A decade in the making...

Or much to say about nothing... sometimes inspiration hits me while I'm writing so I thought, even thought I'm not feeling particularly inspired, nor do I have a particular topic, I'd give it a shot. I've been so busy with my school work, on top of staring at a computer all day long, that it's hard for me to bring myself to update my blog anymore. There hasn't been much going on, yet there has been a ton going on. It all depends on what I'm willing to share. Tonight I was just reflecting on where I was 10 years ago, an entire lifetime ago... Right after Christmas, being the size of a double decker bus... having been in labor for 3 weeks and ordered on bed rest (I wasn't terribly good at, it interfered with my baby shopping). It's hard to believe that was 10 years ago. I was about to double my kid load and I was terrified. Going from one kid to two wasn't terrible, and I didn't think that going from two, to three would be bad either... but going from two, to four... scared the crap out of me. Now, tomorrow, they'll be ten. I'm not going to lie, while they were precious and oh so cute... they were hard... hard hard... but that's par for the course I suppose. At the time I was a single married mother. Doing twins by myself was daunting. I was so so fortunate to have the help from my baby girl, I would have been committed to the loony bin if it weren't for her constant help and the absolute love and patience she had for her baby brothers. As they have grown, they have each come into their own. They have always had such distinct and unique little personalities and those have not changed a bit over the years. They've been true to themselves this whole time. Hunter is my free spirit... the oldest by one minute and a broken femur, has kind of had it rough from the get go. But he's a fighter, always has been, be it good or bad, he doesn't back down. He's as smart as a whip. There isn't much you can get past that kid. Full of information about everything but definitely drawn to the world of electronics, to a fault. He has his demons but we're working on them. He's been diagnosed with a.d.h.d. and O.D.D. amongst other issues, but those are the most prevalent. He struggles with them, they impede with his ability to make and keep friends. Sometimes the household is a bit chaotic due to it but we're all trying. It's just a good thing he has squishable cheeks, fuzzy duck head and can be so sweet. Gavyn, the baby of the family, of course by that magical minute. He's the lover of the bunch. He needs acceptance, validation and constant reassurance. He is my social butterfly and resident big mouth. He's more sports minded and has a knack for making friends. He also suffers from a.d.h.d. and o.d.d but not as severely as Hunter does. He's still such a people pleaser and needs lots and lots of hugs, who I might note, has a fuzzy duck head too. Considering the trauma these boys went through as children, I am fortunate that these are the only demons that I am dealing with, at least for the moment. I'm sure later on they'll give me the typical teenage run for my money. I never thought we would all live for the twins to reach double digits... it seemed like it would never ever happen. And now, here it is... I look at these amazing, tough as nails boys and think.... maybe you were worth the C-section scar an stretch marks... just maybe. There are so many things I've wished I could have given them in life. So much more than they have, and I'm not taking about 'things' per se. More along the lines of a home, a yard, a dog, a stable environment where we wouldn't have to move every few years. I was hoping they would have a 'Dad' by now. Someone to play ball with them, someone to do 'guy' stuff with, someone to teach them how to be a man. But that doesn't seem to be in the stars. I'm not sure if that's my fault or just life. I know it's not their fault, they were born into this crazy messed up life of mine. They didn't ask to come here into this chaos. I only wish it could have been under better circumstances. All I can say is that it wasn't that I didn't try, because I did. Now, it's just too little, too late. I only hope that they know, no matter where we live, we are home. That no matter what our situation, we are family and that will never change. That no matter what we have or don't have, I will always make sure our needs are met. It might not be much, and it might not be all you want. But I can promise you it will be everything I have. You're not going to understand that at 10... you might not even understand it at 20, but one day you will understand. All I can give you is a mother that loves you and that will give you everything I can to make sure you grow up into healthy young men, even if that means doing things that hurt me to better you. Never think for a minute that I didn't love you. Never think for a minute that I did things to purposely hurt you, only know that I did what I thought was right and in the best interest of you and our family as a whole. I am truly blessed to be your mom. I am truly blessed for all of my children and my new kid, my amazing son-in-law, who fits right into my whole boy theme... Shyanne is a very lucky girl to have found such an amazing man, who loves her so much. But he's even more lucky to have found such an amazing, loving and compassionate young woman. I love my kids. They are my life. I don't know where I would be without them. They keep me going everyday whether I like it or not. Sometimes I don't know why I was trusted with these 4 amazing babies, but I'm glad I was and I hope I do right by them. Well, I hope they know when they get older that while I may not have been perfect... I loved them as perfectly as I could and I am so grateful for their love and patience of me, a flawed mother just trying to keep it together...

I suppose....

There are days I suppose you hear 'you're the worst mom in the world' and you know you're doing something right. Right? But some days it hurts. I'm trying to be the best mom I know how to be. I realize I have been given, lets say, challenging children. But some days, I feel like the worst mom in the world. I'm just me. Always wanted to be a mother, always wanted kids. I was giving the privilege of becoming a mother 4 times over. Four beautiful children, full of life and spunk. Im so proud of my kids, even with their sub-par parenting. But I've come to a cross roads that is breaking my heart inside and out. The twins aren't doing any better. There were issues I would hope they would grow out of, but they haven't. There were mannerisms that I thought would fade, but haven't. Behaviors I thought maturity would eliminate but hasn't. I know these beautiful babies of mine came with strikes against them from the get-go, but then to bring them into the chaos of my life and the continuing chaos I can't seem to get away from. I tried so hard to make a home for them. I tried to be a stay-at-home mom like the rest of my family got to be. But it wasn't in the stars for me. Then I thought I got another chance for normalcy... which also ended up in a fiery car crash as well. This damaged the boys more than I ever knew. More than they ever knew. Now we're dealing with adhd, o.d.d., conduct disorder and reactive attachment disorder besides the anxiety and depression. They both have all of these at different levels and severities. I've been taking them to doctors and therapists since they were around 3. It's been nearly 7 years of fighting and crying and new doctors and therapists with no success. Guessing on meds, doctors not knowing what to do with kids this young acting out like they do. They're nine and talk of suicide, and how they'd do it. They talk about killing me and Shae and how they'd do it. They say everyone hates them and that we hate them. They don't follow rules, they don't check in, they shoplift, threaten teachers at school. At this rate they'll be in juvie next year. I don't doubt it. I read things in the papers about kids, no much older then they are, doing horrific crimes. I'm lucky I still have a job with as many times as I've had to go get them from school or pick them up from the police. This is so out of the norm I was use too with Shyanne and Shae. So, they're big kids now and I've had back surgery... I can't control them when they get aggressive and when I say aggressive, I actually mean abusive. I've been hit, kicked, pinched, bit and chocked. And we're not talking little pinches or kicks, we're talking I have bruises and marks with pictures as evidence. I'm not proud of this, but it's also a life I've grown accustom to thought out my life. So I played 'what happens in these walls, stays in these walls' card and haven't asked for help. Recently I hit my boiling point and I did ask for help. I will not raise a man who would beat his mother, because if he does that he'll beat a girlfriend, wife and child. I refused to continue this cycle a long time ago. So now that I've asked for help I have to follow through and do what the professionals think is best and right now that is to take the twins, separate them and place them in therapeutic fosters homes for up to a year so we can all work on getting healthy and safe. This is our last option. This has to work. I'm out of cards to play at this point. This week is going to break my heart. The boys know... they don't know how long, but they understand why. I just want to get to a point that I want to be around them again... where I enjoy their company and we can be a family again. Right now we're just trying to individually survive and it's killing me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong. If I didn't I couldn't do this. It's so hard for me to ask for help but this got bigger than I could handle and I do need help. I need people to want to be with us, to want to be around us. I miss having family and friends. I don't want them scaring off everyone because they're too out of control one way or another.

In the moment...

So lately life has been teaching me that nothing is promised, nothing is certain and everything can change in the blink of an eye. Now I've grown accustom to change and try to remain flexible but sometimes I get ahead of myself. I want to know what's going to happen tomorrow and in a week and next month... it's just how I'm wired. I'm looking for stability and consistency, who wouldn't? who doesn't? I'll be the first to admit, I have travelled a damn rough road in life and because of that I'm overly worried about the future. I know what it's like to be left high and dry not knowing what is next or how I'm going to make it to the next day. So I plan, and I worry and I plan some more and I don't want to be caught off guard ever again. I want to know what is going to happen and when. I don't like surprises or lack of planning. I don't deal well with uncertainty. Chaos frustrates me. People not doing what they said they would do or people not where they said they would be, that bothers me. So it's hard for me to live in the moment, when all I do is worry about tomorrow. I've turned into a control freak. I have this need to control whatever I can to ensure I know what's going to happen next. So life continues to throw me curve balls... there were times that I thought that leaving my ex-husband what the hardest thing I would ever go through. It wasn't. Life continues to change and with change I am learning to appreciate the moment even if it only lasts a minute. This is not an easy concept for me and I have to be constantly reminded to be in the moment. I'm grateful to have people that understand that I'm a planner, I want to be prepared, I want to be early, I want to be ready and that puts me past the 'moment' and ahead of myself. So today I'm focusing on being in the moment, not worrying about tomorrow or work next week. Not worrying about an hour from now. With the twins, I only have the moment. Things change so drastically daily that I get overwhelmed and nearly paralyzed with anxiety as to what's going to happen next. The boys have their issues... some are in their control but most are not. It's hard to not react to their behaviors when partially they don't know why they're doing what their doing, or they don't know why they're behaving how they're behaving. I get upset, I try and teach them that no matter what they need to make good decisions even if their impulses say otherwise. The boys have always been unpredictable, but more so lately. They're explosive and sometimes even scary. So I have to remember. I am right here, right now. I have to remember I'm not promised anything beyond that. I have listened to the boys play today. I have listened to a laugh or two. I have laid on the bed and talked to Gavyn. I got up early this morning with Hunter knocking on my door for poptarts and to use my phone to play minecraft. I saw them smile when I brought them cheeseburgers for lunch and watched them play with their hot wheels. I'm appreciating the calm we have, right here, right now. It won't last, I know that. But I want to focus on the positive and not just the negative. I look at their sweet faces and try to stay here, not think about my baby twins, or who they'll be in 5 years. I try and listen to them talk to each other, to them getting along. It doesn't happen often, and they don't know this, but they are best friends. They'll realize that someday. Someday, they'll understand that I love them and everything I've done and have yet to do is because I love them. But I need to not get ahead of myself. I need to let them be 9 year old boys today. I need to be the mother of 9 year old boys today. I need to not worry about yesterday and not fret about tomorrow. I need to let go of the guilt of the past and realize that the future has not been predicted. I need to let them be children today. I need to let them play. I need to listen to them. I need to appreciate my role in their lives. I need to appreciate their role in my life. I need to see the smiles and sparkle in their eyes, however fleeting. I need to just love them. Being in the moment is hard for me, to say the least. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow or next week. I know change is coming I just don't know when. I need to hug them and talk to them and love them now. I need to know I did the best I could do today and that's all anyone could ask of me. Today I was a good mom, not implying that I'm a bad mom other times. But right now, they're not yelling at me. Right now I'm not an idiot. Right now they're not fighting, hitting, biting, scratching or kicking me or anyone else. They're just being little boys right now. Regular little boys. That could change in a minute, or an hour. So I'm breathing, because I have to remind myself to do that. So I breathe, I listen, I watch, I love and I live for these moments. I live for this moment.

Sometimes you need nothing....

I often think about updating my blog... but usually there is so much going on, too much chaos, my head just spins and I know I couldn't get anything out in any logical order. Right now, it's quiet. Everyone is asleep. My mind is silent, or at least in whisper mode. There are always things to write about, always updates and changes, that's the only thing constant in life. There have been so many ups and downs. Tears and heartache for dear friends and extreme happiness and joy for my loved ones. But right now, after days and days of tears and tension... I'm numb. That's not a bad thing. It's self-preservation I think. It's a way to slow my mind down, slow my breathing down and remember what is important. It's a time where my mind and my heart can mingle and find some middle ground. It's a time of not clenching my jaw or rubbing my head or wiggling because my back is too tight. Right now, everyone is safe, everyone is fed, everyone is still breathing and everyone is peacefully dreaming (I hope) I've struggled for days and days trying to figure out what to say to people, and I've come to terms that tonight, I don't have to say anything to anyone. Life is still going on, no matter the chaos, the sun goes down and the moon comes up. We go to work and come home and nothing I have to say is going to change any of that. Life has brought me to a point that I have to accept that the things I do not have control of. I need to do what is in the best interest of myself and my family. I have to be a contributing member of society and do the best I can do at work. I try and be a good daughter and mother. And right now, nothing I have to say will change that. I'm starting school again in a month, but that doesn't change anything either. I'm proud of my beautiful children, that won't change no matter what I say. I'm going to try and hang on to this calm as long as I can because I am headed into a storm, and while I am not alone, I am weary and tattered... but I have to keep my mind calm, my heart calm and know that everything happens for a reason. I have to know that no matter what I say tonight nothing will change that. For a minute, I have found some peace. It's fleeting around here, but when you catch it, it's precious and priceless. Everyone is ok Everyone is safe Everyone is quiet Everyone is asleep... except for me. That's ok. I'm just enjoying the calm in my head and in my heart until my alarm clock goes off and the chaos starts all over again.

We always want what we can't have....

That seems to usually be the case doesn't it? If we're short, we wish we were taller If we have curly hair, we wish we had straight hair If we're broke, we wish we were rich If we were born in Utah, we wish we were born somewhere more exotic.... Seems to me we do a lot of wishing.... I do... I get down, depressed, discouraged and I wish I had lived life differently, made different choices... I wish I had handled things better or differently. I wish my kids were better behaved and had a father that loved them and was there for them. I really do feel for people who can't have kids, I do, my heart goes out to them. I was very blessed with 4 amazingly smart, beautiful and lets say 'lively' bunch of kids... what I didn't get was the loving supportive husband and father. Seems that those who can't have children, they have those amazing kind of men. Don't you think? I'm envious of the relationships these couples have. I want that. I want to have someone who wipes my tears as well as my kids tears... I want a man my boys can look up too. I thought I found one, but I was wrong. I thought I found another, and yet again I was wrong. Now, I'm damaged, I'm hurt, I'm broken. I don't trust men, they scare me, they intimidate me and I continue to let myself feel that way. Most of the men that I don't trust or that I'm afraid are going to hurt me, either don't even know me, like the mean pharmacist at Walgreens or one of the bosses at work, or people that love me and wouldn't purposely hurt me ever and understand what I've been through. But on days like today, when I get phone calls from the principal and the high school and everything at work changed and I didn't pay my parking ticket, and the boys are having meltdowns about everything. I feel like a burden to those who love me. I feel like when they leave the house they won't come back. I feel like my kids and I will never be loved unconditionally and I go back to my wish list... I wish I could go back to that young love, that have your whole life ahead of you love, that love you have when you do have a child together and you feel like a family. I wish I could feel like a princess again and know that someone else felt that way about me too. I miss having a soft place to land and honestly I miss being one...

People Like Us

Issues... I have a few

So here I am... do we care what people think? yes of course I do, I spend my entire day worried about what people think about me, what they think about my kids, the things they think and don't say. Do I have issues? yes I have a few... Am I afraid all the time? pretty much. Do I have a negative self image? don't we all? if not than yes, yes I do. With years of conditioning, I have a horrible self image, some of that my own doing and some of that others. Do I have abandonment issues? very much so, and yes unfortunately they started with my Dad, but he knows that and its gone from there... to the point I've adopted the philosophy that 'everyone leaves' Am I good at navigating my own life? no... who the hell left me in charge? Would I break my back to make sure my kids are ok? haven't I? I would every day and twice some days. Do I feel responsible for their struggles and pain? of course I do... what mom doesn't? Do I feel crazy? Of course, it's a valid feeling apparently and diagnosed Do I feel like I can do everything I want to do? no... I feel like I'm overwhelmed and that paralyzes me Do I feel alone when it comes to family? very much so Is that my own doing? most likely, I only know how to hole up and hide when things aren't just so... or if I don't feel good enough or don't measure up to the rest of the family. Do I emotionally vomit on my blog? from time to time.. ok every time I get the chance and am in the mood to vent and need to get it all out of my head. Is the negative voice in my head in charge? a lot, even when I tell it to shut up... and I tell myself I can, or I am, or I should... Do I feel capable? sometimes but not as often as I should Do I need to feel loved? yes, one of my greatest downfalls Do I love to much? with my heart and soul, I give everything to everyone I love, making the loss of them more devastating, hence feeding my abandonment issues. Am I being redundant? probably, my train of thought derails from time to time Do I wish things were different? every minute Do I wish someone would comfort me when I cry and don't want my kids to see it? yes, it's not manipulation, it's pain and fear and hurt. It's real. Do I wish there was a middle ground in some of these things? more than life itself. Do I wish someone would reach out and scale the wall I put up? sometimes... but I don't want to hurt anyone. I think I'm toxic. Are my thoughts rational? I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes, or not at all. Do I want to fix everyone and everything except myself? yes, it's much easier than fixing myself. I want to help those I love, that validates my purpose for being here, I don't want to fix, I just want to help, and I'm pretty damn good at it too. Just can't take my own advice. Do I regret? every day Do I have guilt? more than anyone will ever know. Will I ever forgive myself? I don't know how Do I have bad hair days? more often that not... Are there days I can't leave my room? absolutely but I do Are there days I think retail therapy will fix everything? sometimes but it usually doesn't really help all that much being broke and all... Do I feel like I'm good enough for anyone? no. I'm broken, I'm damaged, I'm irreversibly scarred. Do I have ptsd in a ridiculous way? you'd never even understand Do I fight it? everyday Do I avoid painful places, people and things? yes, that's a big part of my ptsd. Is this post meant to single out or hurt anyone? No Should anyone take any of this personally? NO... this is all the crap spinning in my head right now. Do I need to get ready to drive my man-child to work? probably, I look frightening. Do I feel better? not yet.... Do I know how to post this so it doesn't look like a blob? no