Issues... I have a few

So here I am... do we care what people think? yes of course I do, I spend my entire day worried about what people think about me, what they think about my kids, the things they think and don't say. Do I have issues? yes I have a few... Am I afraid all the time? pretty much. Do I have a negative self image? don't we all? if not than yes, yes I do. With years of conditioning, I have a horrible self image, some of that my own doing and some of that others. Do I have abandonment issues? very much so, and yes unfortunately they started with my Dad, but he knows that and its gone from there... to the point I've adopted the philosophy that 'everyone leaves' Am I good at navigating my own life? no... who the hell left me in charge? Would I break my back to make sure my kids are ok? haven't I? I would every day and twice some days. Do I feel responsible for their struggles and pain? of course I do... what mom doesn't? Do I feel crazy? Of course, it's a valid feeling apparently and diagnosed Do I feel like I can do everything I want to do? no... I feel like I'm overwhelmed and that paralyzes me Do I feel alone when it comes to family? very much so Is that my own doing? most likely, I only know how to hole up and hide when things aren't just so... or if I don't feel good enough or don't measure up to the rest of the family. Do I emotionally vomit on my blog? from time to time.. ok every time I get the chance and am in the mood to vent and need to get it all out of my head. Is the negative voice in my head in charge? a lot, even when I tell it to shut up... and I tell myself I can, or I am, or I should... Do I feel capable? sometimes but not as often as I should Do I need to feel loved? yes, one of my greatest downfalls Do I love to much? with my heart and soul, I give everything to everyone I love, making the loss of them more devastating, hence feeding my abandonment issues. Am I being redundant? probably, my train of thought derails from time to time Do I wish things were different? every minute Do I wish someone would comfort me when I cry and don't want my kids to see it? yes, it's not manipulation, it's pain and fear and hurt. It's real. Do I wish there was a middle ground in some of these things? more than life itself. Do I wish someone would reach out and scale the wall I put up? sometimes... but I don't want to hurt anyone. I think I'm toxic. Are my thoughts rational? I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes, or not at all. Do I want to fix everyone and everything except myself? yes, it's much easier than fixing myself. I want to help those I love, that validates my purpose for being here, I don't want to fix, I just want to help, and I'm pretty damn good at it too. Just can't take my own advice. Do I regret? every day Do I have guilt? more than anyone will ever know. Will I ever forgive myself? I don't know how Do I have bad hair days? more often that not... Are there days I can't leave my room? absolutely but I do Are there days I think retail therapy will fix everything? sometimes but it usually doesn't really help all that much being broke and all... Do I feel like I'm good enough for anyone? no. I'm broken, I'm damaged, I'm irreversibly scarred. Do I have ptsd in a ridiculous way? you'd never even understand Do I fight it? everyday Do I avoid painful places, people and things? yes, that's a big part of my ptsd. Is this post meant to single out or hurt anyone? No Should anyone take any of this personally? NO... this is all the crap spinning in my head right now. Do I need to get ready to drive my man-child to work? probably, I look frightening. Do I feel better? not yet.... Do I know how to post this so it doesn't look like a blob? no