A decade in the making...

Or much to say about nothing... sometimes inspiration hits me while I'm writing so I thought, even thought I'm not feeling particularly inspired, nor do I have a particular topic, I'd give it a shot. I've been so busy with my school work, on top of staring at a computer all day long, that it's hard for me to bring myself to update my blog anymore. There hasn't been much going on, yet there has been a ton going on. It all depends on what I'm willing to share. Tonight I was just reflecting on where I was 10 years ago, an entire lifetime ago... Right after Christmas, being the size of a double decker bus... having been in labor for 3 weeks and ordered on bed rest (I wasn't terribly good at, it interfered with my baby shopping). It's hard to believe that was 10 years ago. I was about to double my kid load and I was terrified. Going from one kid to two wasn't terrible, and I didn't think that going from two, to three would be bad either... but going from two, to four... scared the crap out of me. Now, tomorrow, they'll be ten. I'm not going to lie, while they were precious and oh so cute... they were hard... hard hard... but that's par for the course I suppose. At the time I was a single married mother. Doing twins by myself was daunting. I was so so fortunate to have the help from my baby girl, I would have been committed to the loony bin if it weren't for her constant help and the absolute love and patience she had for her baby brothers. As they have grown, they have each come into their own. They have always had such distinct and unique little personalities and those have not changed a bit over the years. They've been true to themselves this whole time. Hunter is my free spirit... the oldest by one minute and a broken femur, has kind of had it rough from the get go. But he's a fighter, always has been, be it good or bad, he doesn't back down. He's as smart as a whip. There isn't much you can get past that kid. Full of information about everything but definitely drawn to the world of electronics, to a fault. He has his demons but we're working on them. He's been diagnosed with a.d.h.d. and O.D.D. amongst other issues, but those are the most prevalent. He struggles with them, they impede with his ability to make and keep friends. Sometimes the household is a bit chaotic due to it but we're all trying. It's just a good thing he has squishable cheeks, fuzzy duck head and can be so sweet. Gavyn, the baby of the family, of course by that magical minute. He's the lover of the bunch. He needs acceptance, validation and constant reassurance. He is my social butterfly and resident big mouth. He's more sports minded and has a knack for making friends. He also suffers from a.d.h.d. and o.d.d but not as severely as Hunter does. He's still such a people pleaser and needs lots and lots of hugs, who I might note, has a fuzzy duck head too. Considering the trauma these boys went through as children, I am fortunate that these are the only demons that I am dealing with, at least for the moment. I'm sure later on they'll give me the typical teenage run for my money. I never thought we would all live for the twins to reach double digits... it seemed like it would never ever happen. And now, here it is... I look at these amazing, tough as nails boys and think.... maybe you were worth the C-section scar an stretch marks... just maybe. There are so many things I've wished I could have given them in life. So much more than they have, and I'm not taking about 'things' per se. More along the lines of a home, a yard, a dog, a stable environment where we wouldn't have to move every few years. I was hoping they would have a 'Dad' by now. Someone to play ball with them, someone to do 'guy' stuff with, someone to teach them how to be a man. But that doesn't seem to be in the stars. I'm not sure if that's my fault or just life. I know it's not their fault, they were born into this crazy messed up life of mine. They didn't ask to come here into this chaos. I only wish it could have been under better circumstances. All I can say is that it wasn't that I didn't try, because I did. Now, it's just too little, too late. I only hope that they know, no matter where we live, we are home. That no matter what our situation, we are family and that will never change. That no matter what we have or don't have, I will always make sure our needs are met. It might not be much, and it might not be all you want. But I can promise you it will be everything I have. You're not going to understand that at 10... you might not even understand it at 20, but one day you will understand. All I can give you is a mother that loves you and that will give you everything I can to make sure you grow up into healthy young men, even if that means doing things that hurt me to better you. Never think for a minute that I didn't love you. Never think for a minute that I did things to purposely hurt you, only know that I did what I thought was right and in the best interest of you and our family as a whole. I am truly blessed to be your mom. I am truly blessed for all of my children and my new kid, my amazing son-in-law, who fits right into my whole boy theme... Shyanne is a very lucky girl to have found such an amazing man, who loves her so much. But he's even more lucky to have found such an amazing, loving and compassionate young woman. I love my kids. They are my life. I don't know where I would be without them. They keep me going everyday whether I like it or not. Sometimes I don't know why I was trusted with these 4 amazing babies, but I'm glad I was and I hope I do right by them. Well, I hope they know when they get older that while I may not have been perfect... I loved them as perfectly as I could and I am so grateful for their love and patience of me, a flawed mother just trying to keep it together...