We always want what we can't have....

That seems to usually be the case doesn't it? If we're short, we wish we were taller If we have curly hair, we wish we had straight hair If we're broke, we wish we were rich If we were born in Utah, we wish we were born somewhere more exotic.... Seems to me we do a lot of wishing.... I do... I get down, depressed, discouraged and I wish I had lived life differently, made different choices... I wish I had handled things better or differently. I wish my kids were better behaved and had a father that loved them and was there for them. I really do feel for people who can't have kids, I do, my heart goes out to them. I was very blessed with 4 amazingly smart, beautiful and lets say 'lively' bunch of kids... what I didn't get was the loving supportive husband and father. Seems that those who can't have children, they have those amazing kind of men. Don't you think? I'm envious of the relationships these couples have. I want that. I want to have someone who wipes my tears as well as my kids tears... I want a man my boys can look up too. I thought I found one, but I was wrong. I thought I found another, and yet again I was wrong. Now, I'm damaged, I'm hurt, I'm broken. I don't trust men, they scare me, they intimidate me and I continue to let myself feel that way. Most of the men that I don't trust or that I'm afraid are going to hurt me, either don't even know me, like the mean pharmacist at Walgreens or one of the bosses at work, or people that love me and wouldn't purposely hurt me ever and understand what I've been through. But on days like today, when I get phone calls from the principal and the high school and everything at work changed and I didn't pay my parking ticket, and the boys are having meltdowns about everything. I feel like a burden to those who love me. I feel like when they leave the house they won't come back. I feel like my kids and I will never be loved unconditionally and I go back to my wish list... I wish I could go back to that young love, that have your whole life ahead of you love, that love you have when you do have a child together and you feel like a family. I wish I could feel like a princess again and know that someone else felt that way about me too. I miss having a soft place to land and honestly I miss being one...