Sometimes you need nothing....

I often think about updating my blog... but usually there is so much going on, too much chaos, my head just spins and I know I couldn't get anything out in any logical order. Right now, it's quiet. Everyone is asleep. My mind is silent, or at least in whisper mode. There are always things to write about, always updates and changes, that's the only thing constant in life. There have been so many ups and downs. Tears and heartache for dear friends and extreme happiness and joy for my loved ones. But right now, after days and days of tears and tension... I'm numb. That's not a bad thing. It's self-preservation I think. It's a way to slow my mind down, slow my breathing down and remember what is important. It's a time where my mind and my heart can mingle and find some middle ground. It's a time of not clenching my jaw or rubbing my head or wiggling because my back is too tight. Right now, everyone is safe, everyone is fed, everyone is still breathing and everyone is peacefully dreaming (I hope) I've struggled for days and days trying to figure out what to say to people, and I've come to terms that tonight, I don't have to say anything to anyone. Life is still going on, no matter the chaos, the sun goes down and the moon comes up. We go to work and come home and nothing I have to say is going to change any of that. Life has brought me to a point that I have to accept that the things I do not have control of. I need to do what is in the best interest of myself and my family. I have to be a contributing member of society and do the best I can do at work. I try and be a good daughter and mother. And right now, nothing I have to say will change that. I'm starting school again in a month, but that doesn't change anything either. I'm proud of my beautiful children, that won't change no matter what I say. I'm going to try and hang on to this calm as long as I can because I am headed into a storm, and while I am not alone, I am weary and tattered... but I have to keep my mind calm, my heart calm and know that everything happens for a reason. I have to know that no matter what I say tonight nothing will change that. For a minute, I have found some peace. It's fleeting around here, but when you catch it, it's precious and priceless. Everyone is ok Everyone is safe Everyone is quiet Everyone is asleep... except for me. That's ok. I'm just enjoying the calm in my head and in my heart until my alarm clock goes off and the chaos starts all over again.