I suppose....

There are days I suppose you hear 'you're the worst mom in the world' and you know you're doing something right. Right? But some days it hurts. I'm trying to be the best mom I know how to be. I realize I have been given, lets say, challenging children. But some days, I feel like the worst mom in the world. I'm just me. Always wanted to be a mother, always wanted kids. I was giving the privilege of becoming a mother 4 times over. Four beautiful children, full of life and spunk. Im so proud of my kids, even with their sub-par parenting. But I've come to a cross roads that is breaking my heart inside and out. The twins aren't doing any better. There were issues I would hope they would grow out of, but they haven't. There were mannerisms that I thought would fade, but haven't. Behaviors I thought maturity would eliminate but hasn't. I know these beautiful babies of mine came with strikes against them from the get-go, but then to bring them into the chaos of my life and the continuing chaos I can't seem to get away from. I tried so hard to make a home for them. I tried to be a stay-at-home mom like the rest of my family got to be. But it wasn't in the stars for me. Then I thought I got another chance for normalcy... which also ended up in a fiery car crash as well. This damaged the boys more than I ever knew. More than they ever knew. Now we're dealing with adhd, o.d.d., conduct disorder and reactive attachment disorder besides the anxiety and depression. They both have all of these at different levels and severities. I've been taking them to doctors and therapists since they were around 3. It's been nearly 7 years of fighting and crying and new doctors and therapists with no success. Guessing on meds, doctors not knowing what to do with kids this young acting out like they do. They're nine and talk of suicide, and how they'd do it. They talk about killing me and Shae and how they'd do it. They say everyone hates them and that we hate them. They don't follow rules, they don't check in, they shoplift, threaten teachers at school. At this rate they'll be in juvie next year. I don't doubt it. I read things in the papers about kids, no much older then they are, doing horrific crimes. I'm lucky I still have a job with as many times as I've had to go get them from school or pick them up from the police. This is so out of the norm I was use too with Shyanne and Shae. So, they're big kids now and I've had back surgery... I can't control them when they get aggressive and when I say aggressive, I actually mean abusive. I've been hit, kicked, pinched, bit and chocked. And we're not talking little pinches or kicks, we're talking I have bruises and marks with pictures as evidence. I'm not proud of this, but it's also a life I've grown accustom to thought out my life. So I played 'what happens in these walls, stays in these walls' card and haven't asked for help. Recently I hit my boiling point and I did ask for help. I will not raise a man who would beat his mother, because if he does that he'll beat a girlfriend, wife and child. I refused to continue this cycle a long time ago. So now that I've asked for help I have to follow through and do what the professionals think is best and right now that is to take the twins, separate them and place them in therapeutic fosters homes for up to a year so we can all work on getting healthy and safe. This is our last option. This has to work. I'm out of cards to play at this point. This week is going to break my heart. The boys know... they don't know how long, but they understand why. I just want to get to a point that I want to be around them again... where I enjoy their company and we can be a family again. Right now we're just trying to individually survive and it's killing me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong. If I didn't I couldn't do this. It's so hard for me to ask for help but this got bigger than I could handle and I do need help. I need people to want to be with us, to want to be around us. I miss having family and friends. I don't want them scaring off everyone because they're too out of control one way or another.