In the moment...

So lately life has been teaching me that nothing is promised, nothing is certain and everything can change in the blink of an eye. Now I've grown accustom to change and try to remain flexible but sometimes I get ahead of myself. I want to know what's going to happen tomorrow and in a week and next month... it's just how I'm wired. I'm looking for stability and consistency, who wouldn't? who doesn't? I'll be the first to admit, I have travelled a damn rough road in life and because of that I'm overly worried about the future. I know what it's like to be left high and dry not knowing what is next or how I'm going to make it to the next day. So I plan, and I worry and I plan some more and I don't want to be caught off guard ever again. I want to know what is going to happen and when. I don't like surprises or lack of planning. I don't deal well with uncertainty. Chaos frustrates me. People not doing what they said they would do or people not where they said they would be, that bothers me. So it's hard for me to live in the moment, when all I do is worry about tomorrow. I've turned into a control freak. I have this need to control whatever I can to ensure I know what's going to happen next. So life continues to throw me curve balls... there were times that I thought that leaving my ex-husband what the hardest thing I would ever go through. It wasn't. Life continues to change and with change I am learning to appreciate the moment even if it only lasts a minute. This is not an easy concept for me and I have to be constantly reminded to be in the moment. I'm grateful to have people that understand that I'm a planner, I want to be prepared, I want to be early, I want to be ready and that puts me past the 'moment' and ahead of myself. So today I'm focusing on being in the moment, not worrying about tomorrow or work next week. Not worrying about an hour from now. With the twins, I only have the moment. Things change so drastically daily that I get overwhelmed and nearly paralyzed with anxiety as to what's going to happen next. The boys have their issues... some are in their control but most are not. It's hard to not react to their behaviors when partially they don't know why they're doing what their doing, or they don't know why they're behaving how they're behaving. I get upset, I try and teach them that no matter what they need to make good decisions even if their impulses say otherwise. The boys have always been unpredictable, but more so lately. They're explosive and sometimes even scary. So I have to remember. I am right here, right now. I have to remember I'm not promised anything beyond that. I have listened to the boys play today. I have listened to a laugh or two. I have laid on the bed and talked to Gavyn. I got up early this morning with Hunter knocking on my door for poptarts and to use my phone to play minecraft. I saw them smile when I brought them cheeseburgers for lunch and watched them play with their hot wheels. I'm appreciating the calm we have, right here, right now. It won't last, I know that. But I want to focus on the positive and not just the negative. I look at their sweet faces and try to stay here, not think about my baby twins, or who they'll be in 5 years. I try and listen to them talk to each other, to them getting along. It doesn't happen often, and they don't know this, but they are best friends. They'll realize that someday. Someday, they'll understand that I love them and everything I've done and have yet to do is because I love them. But I need to not get ahead of myself. I need to let them be 9 year old boys today. I need to be the mother of 9 year old boys today. I need to not worry about yesterday and not fret about tomorrow. I need to let go of the guilt of the past and realize that the future has not been predicted. I need to let them be children today. I need to let them play. I need to listen to them. I need to appreciate my role in their lives. I need to appreciate their role in my life. I need to see the smiles and sparkle in their eyes, however fleeting. I need to just love them. Being in the moment is hard for me, to say the least. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow or next week. I know change is coming I just don't know when. I need to hug them and talk to them and love them now. I need to know I did the best I could do today and that's all anyone could ask of me. Today I was a good mom, not implying that I'm a bad mom other times. But right now, they're not yelling at me. Right now I'm not an idiot. Right now they're not fighting, hitting, biting, scratching or kicking me or anyone else. They're just being little boys right now. Regular little boys. That could change in a minute, or an hour. So I'm breathing, because I have to remind myself to do that. So I breathe, I listen, I watch, I love and I live for these moments. I live for this moment.