Tough pill to swallow

I'm not always trying to vent, but it seems to be the only place I can just say it like I feel it is... not necessarily how it is, just how I feel things are. I'm struggling with many family issues right now, and while I do not proclaim to be perfect in any way, shape or form. I do try and pride myself on being honest. I'm a pretty straight shooter, unless of course that is going to cause harm of some kind. I'm not out to hurt people. Now with that being said, I love my family, I love my children more than life itself. I adore my daughter and am so proud of the woman she's become and continues to be. But I am so deeply hurt by her right now, no words can express the pain I feel for the way she is behaving right now. I can't even understand it. It's hurtful, selfish, and even mean. There is nothing more in this world that I would want than to have unlimited supplies and funds to take myself and her brothers to San Diego for a week and attend her small intimate beach wedding ceremony. But I don't and I can't. It's physically not feasible for me to make this trip. I can't afford to fly, I don't know that my car will make it and I know I can't afford a hotel there for all of us. His family can, my parents can... I can't. Yes, I feel like a huge loser... yes it breaks my heart into absolute pieces. It's all I can think about. I've let her down, in so many ways, and continue to do so. I couldn't even buy her dress, she went with my mother behind my back and got her dress and went out to lunch and had a nice day and didn't even tell me about it. That felt like a bit like pouring salt into the wound. My mom wouldn't even look for dresses with me for my wedding. I feel like history is repeating itself. Except the fact that my mom did show up at my wedding, I didn't even care who she showed up with, just that she came. My daughter doesn't feel that way. She doesn't want me there, with someone or not... she told me all men leave me anyway so why did it matter if I brought someone. Now she's filled all her slots so I couldn't come if I had a way too. I am so tired of the women in my family having secrets and giving silent treatments. It's bad enough my sister has to act like that, but now my daughter? There is no understanding, no compassion. I don't even know if Hunter will be out of the hospital. Do they not understand that right now my life sucks and I'm still here? I'm still going and trying and kicking forward, even if I'm crawling on broken glass I'm moving forward. At home, my boys have grown so lazy in helping around the house...I guess that's women's work? Granted Shae is doing good things, but I'm always to drop what I'm doing to drive him all over hell and back at the drop of a pin. Of course stay at home mom's can do that, but I'm not one of them. I wasn't allowed the privilege of being a stay at home mom. I've had to work my ass off to take care of these kids, and I know they don't understand it. I know they won't until they have to do it themselves. Hopefully they'll have learned from my mistakes and have better lives and make better decisions. Maybe I've prepared them for the world a little more than I was prepared. The world kicked my ass. I was not ready for it and it ate me alive. Maybe my kids will be tougher... I just hope not too tough. I just don't understand coming from an extremely small family, how one can turn their back on another. How one feels superior to another or feel the need to punish or exclude another. Right now I'm trying to swallow all of this, I'm trying so hard to hold this all together. I'm trying not to get angry and say things that could further damage relationships. But I'm not cut from the cloth that says we give people the silent treatment. How I raised my kids is, we get it out in the open, we deal with it and we move on. Not this bullshit I'm going through right now. If they want to hurt me they are, my daughter for weeks, my sister for years... I'm sorry I'm not perfect, I've never been the perfect sister, I've never been the perfect daughter, I've never been the perfect mother. I make mistakes, I make a lot of mistakes and will probably continue to do so. I'm human. I love though... unconditionally. I will fight for you, I will defend you, and I will protect you with my life. You will not find anyone more loyal than I am. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the crazy one, like everyone else is right and I'm wrong. Like I'm not understanding the world and how it works and they all do, so therefore I shall be shunned. Because that's exactly what I need. My daughter is getting married and I can't go, I live hand to mouth trying to raise 3 growing boys by myself, my baby boy is in the hospital for who knows how long for things I can't fix and yet feel responsible for, and I hurt.... no one asks me if I need a break, if they can make me dinner or help me with the dishes or go to the movies... if I want anything I have to beg for it. I feel like I love unconditionally, maybe I don't and I don't know it, but I feel like I do... but where's the unconditional love and honestly in return? Why the secrets and lies and shunning? I have not lived my life the best way possible, but I have survived it and brought my kids through hell with me, but we're here. Doesn't that count for something? When does someone ask me how I feel about all of this? How do I feel about not having enough money to go to my only daughters wedding and then knowing she's moving to the other end of the state? How do I feel about that? I think it sucks! I don't want her to go, I don't want her to go and not come back. I don't want her to go and have a new family and forget about us and have babies down there and I'll be the grandma they never get to see and that doesn't get to see them or babysit them or spoil them, they'll barely know who I am. How do I feel about not being there for the most special day of my daughters life? It blows! I've damn near given my life to make sure she had one, I've lived where I needed to live to make sure she went to the school she needed to go too, I went in front of hospital boards to fight for her to have surgeries they told me she couldn't have. There isn't anything I haven't or wouldn't do for her. I'm just at a loss at this point. I don't have anyone to help me and I don't have a job that affords me a lavish lifestyle either. My checks pay the bills, barely. I don't get child support, I don't get things that other single mothers get. I've done this myself. How do I feel about Hunter being in the hospital? It kill me every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep and I don't see his big brown eyes and fuzzy head. I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel like I should have been able to fix him or help him and I couldn't. I feel helpless, I feel weak. I feel like I let him down. I feel his problems are my fault. How do I feel about needing another back surgery? I hate the thought of it! it scares me to death I hate surgeries and I've had my fill, but the thought of living with this pain for the rest of my life seems unbearable. But having the surgery seems to be an inconvenience to everyone and everyone is worried about this and that and no one has been worried about me or that the pain is making me crazy and not feel like myself. There are a lot of other things I'd much rather do. I don't want to be laid up for another 6-12 weeks on a measly short-term disability check that will not pay the bills. Using a walker again so I can get to the bathroom or make the boys dinner. Everything is always about everyone else... I thought I was doing a good thing by being me... but I've just figured out being me, is the equivalent of a doormat.