Time for gratitude....

I've been so consumed, so overwhelmed, so manic at times. so up and down... that I tend to forget what I do have. I take things for granted. I take for granted that I do have a lot of people in my corner even when I push them away. I still have people that believe in me and tolerate my ups and downs and love me unconditionally. I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to have had 18 years with my beautiful daughter and I'm having a hard time letting go, it seems to permanent. But I'm grateful she is so strong and intelligent and even stubborn. I'm grateful for my boys, for keeping me busy, keeping me on my toes. Challenging me daily to be better, to know more, to think harder... to help me remember what is important. I'm grateful for my mother, for her never giving up on me, even after going through hell and hell again with me. For knowing I'll get up after I fall and not letting me get away with using excuses and crutches to fail because I have a thousand reasons to quit. But she believes in me and knows I won't quit. I can't quit. My boys and my daughter need me, even when they think they don't. Just like I need my mom, even when I think I don't. I've realized a few things lately. I am so busy beating myself up, punishing myself for everything I've done wrong or can't do myself that I'm driving people crazy. I'm driving them away and I'm hurting them. I don't mean too. I really don't. I just don't know how to do 'normal'. I hate the medications I'm on, they make me feel 'blah'... not happy, not sad just somewhere in the middle and people tell me that's normal. It's not my normal and I'm not really liking it a whole lot. But I know I have to do it or I'm going to be alone, alienated from my family and friends even more than I already a I so desperately want friends and family. I want family bbq's and I want to go to movies with my friends and I want to go shopping with my daughter and I want to go to ball games with my boys. I just don't know how to do that. I don't have the money to do everything and I make people crazy trying to figure out how. My boys don't even ask for things anymore because they know I can't afford anything. I hate that so much of everyone's happiness depends on money. It shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to worry about gas money to take the boys to the park or to go visit Hunter. I am grateful for the job I have, that it does provide what it does and that I can provide the basics. It's hard for me to accept help and when people contribute I feel bad. I feel like I should be able to do it all myself. I want to just be ok. I want my mind to shut up. I want to still my mind. I want it to stop spinning. I want to stop thinking about a million things at the same time. It's exhausting. It never stops. Ever. I just want to be normal, I want to be happy... I want a home, and a family. I want to be loved without driving people crazy. I want to know that people won't leave so maybe I push and push just to see if they'll stay, and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. I have to stop doing that. I have to stop building walls and expecting people to climb them to get to me. I don't know why I do that. There are so many things I do that I don't know why I do. I know I've been terribly conditioned for years. Do things a certain way, say certain things, behave certain ways... and when I don't I don't know what to do. When I have the freedom to thing and act for myself I feel completely lost and out of control. I don't know what to do or choose or what to say... I need to let go, I need to put my feet at the edge and my face in the wind... and know that every storm runs out of rain. I need to be grateful for the trials that made me strong and wise. I need to be proud of my scars instead of ashamed. They show I'm strong, I've survived, I've healed... I haven't forgotten but I have healed. I've earned these scars, I've survived my life. Now I want to live it. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know who I am anymore, without the guilt and chaos, I don't know what's left of me. When you take that all away, what's left? What if what's left is nothing? But what if its something? What if it's amazing? How do I get there?