Round and Round and Round we go.......

Where we stop nobody knows... At least that's what it feels like, a lot. Hunter is still in residential,Shyanne is still planning her wedding and I'm not coping with either. I can't seem to multitask as well as I should. Mother's day tends to remind me of my failures of a mother. It makes me feel bad for those who can't have children. I makes me feel bad for those who do and have children with mental or physical issues. Those issues begin to be the center of their (the parents) lives. I was blessed with four beautiful, intelligent children. Of course they all think they're all only children which proves to be a bit difficult for me... I feel so disappointed, so often, for everything my kids have had to go through, it seems to never go away and there are daily constantly reminds me of my mistakes, even though so many of them I had no control over I still carry the guilt and the pain. They don't understand the depth of that guilt. I feel like I've failed them as a parent. I have done the best I can do, everyday, but it's never enough. It'll never be enough and it will never make up for what I've not been able to do for them or give to them. Mothers day and Fathers day are so hard for me. While I feel so bad for our situation, I also don't think my kids understand what I've gone through to get them where they are. I don't think many know what I've had to do to get them where they are. They are amazing kids, I wish they could see themselves through my eyes. I'm so proud of them, and I am able to look at them and know that I have done something right. They are responsible, hard working, focused, at least the older kids, the twins still have some growing and maturing to do. That may be harder than I ever imagined... way harder than the older kids. Im so proud of my kids, they have worked so hard and over come so many obstacles. We've always said 'stepping stones, no stumbling blocks'. My Shyanne, she made me a mother, without her I wouldn't be a mother, no she wasn't planned, but she was certainly wanted and loved from even before she was born. And after she was born, I could see my heart outside of my body. I couldn't have loved her more. When she had to stay in the NICU it killed me that I had to leave the hospital without my baby. The Dr's then determined that she/we had cytomegalovirus while I was pregnant and that is the cause of her deafness. Its a common flu virus that many or almost all people get when they are children, but not me... no I waited to get the virus for the first time while I was pregnant....chances are because I worked at a day care. However, her being deaf opened a whole new community that I wouldn't have even known existed. I love the depth and passion they have for everyone, and my daughter is part of that and had fought for them, loved them, led them. They are a beautiful community that offers whatever a deaf person would need, whenever they need. So while Shyanne was growing up, my life revolved around her learning to sign, getting the right hearing aids and crazy color molds... eventually a cochlear implant. I never wanted her to say I didn't give her every chance she may need or want. Now she's all grown up, working. getting married and moving to Cedar City in July. So for her right now, her wedding is front and center and I need to be doing what a parent does.... and I can't... I financially can't, I emotionally can't, I can't leave Hunter behind if he's still in the hospital. I don't know that she will ever understand that until she's a mother. Its not me choosing one child over another, its just me being there for the one that needs me the most, not that she doesn't need me, it's just a different 'need'. Shae, likes to remind the boys that he was the 'wanted' child. He was, we had tried to get pregnant with him and we did want a boy and that's what we got, it was an easy pregnancy and delivery. He got to come home with me when I left the hospital. That's important point for him. He was sweet and easy, my hip attachment, He was very much a momma's boy. That was ok with me, we'd get Shyanne and get them both in soccer and we would take them fishing and camping... Snyanne was never much of a camper. But Shae loved it. Those are good memories. Then the surprise of the twins... they weren't 'unwanted' as Shae likes to tell them, but hey were very much a surprise. Once I got use to the idea of twins, I started reading the pregnancy books, the twin books. eating healthy...I tried to take care of myself, but they (we) were in a lot of stress even before they were born. It's been explained to me that when mom is stressed the babies know it and it wires them a little differently. They're all on high alert all the time. Hence, the adhd etc. They are so complicated, but so sweet (you have to be patient for that, it does surface on occasion). They have taught me so much, I'm learning more and more about them every day. They are so complex, there are so many layers to them. I just have to be patient. I have to stay calm and know that I'm not going to understand them all the time. But I do know that I love them with all my heart and there isn't anything I wouldn't or haven't do anything for them, even when it feels like it's going to kill me... I know this really isn't a complete and focused post, but right now it's all I've got.