I've been sporadic at best lately, mostly due to lack of access. Sometimes I have so much to say and no way to say it and now that I have better access, I'm afraid of what might come out. There are so many things I have in my head and I'm not sure how to organize it to get it out of my head and make any sense at all. So be prepared for a journey perhaps? It won't be for the faint of heart I assure you. It's not necessarily bad, its just, well, real... and honest..... its a lot of things I've dealt with, survived, endured, denied, tried to forget and things I've conquered... but in my head there are no years, everything is blurred, I only remember where I lived or if it was before or after I had a certain child... I think organizing it in my head is what is giving me anxiety so I need to accept that I'm going to just (excused the analogy) emotionally vomit my words and then I will have to sort and organize and try to make sense of it all. Not so much to torture myself, nor to have people feel sorry for me, but more so to get rid of all of this baggage in my head, sort it out, own what is mine to own, and let go of the rest. Let go of the guilt, acquired responsibilities, and be free of it all... from childhood to current. Even just saying that I will do this, makes me feel lighter in spirit. Its been a very dark and desperate part of my life that I do not want any longer. As one of my dear friends would say, it's time to clean house... I think its time and I think I'm ready... so I hope you are too.
I may or may not do it on this same blog, for those of you that do read this and have a somewhat delicate constitution, I don't want to offend anyone.
I'm almost done with my 40th year and I'm ready, it's time...
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