My attitude of gratitude

Seems appropriate for me to share the things that I am thankful for, not just because it's November but because it's been too long since I have publicly expressed my gratitude.  There is something to be said for just throwing things out there and making them tangible. 
I get things swimming around inside my head and sometimes I leave them there instead of getting them out and making things known.  Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's not.  I have so many things that I am truly grateful for, most have been life lessons that turned out to be blessings in disguise.  It's just taken me awhile to appreciate them for what they were worth, what they taught me and where they brought me too in my life.

I am forever grateful for my daughter... she has been such a blessing in my life and I don't believe that she will ever, EVER, understand how much she has taught me about strength, love and dignity.  She has conducted herself in such a way that I feel I am the student and she is the teacher.  I may have given birth to her but she has given me life.  She has transformed her childhood into the stepping stones I had always tried to teach her about... and while I still stumble... She has made turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones real.  I am so proud of her.  And while she may not be perfect in others standards, she couldn't be more perfect to her mother.  I am so grateful she loves her brothers with the unconditional love that she has.  I am in awe of her... she has never let anything slow her down or stop her, and she's had many 'excuses' to fail... but she cannot or will not use them.  She makes me feel like I've done something right in my life.  That is all wasn't for nothing.  She helps me see that the last 20 years, while they were far from perfect, did serve a purpose. She is compassionate, empathetic and tender to a fault.  She's learned to be forgiving and she is far from judgemental.  While the world around us judges everyone for everything, she accepts people for who they are, not what they've done or haven't done.  That is true Christianity in my book... so many people want to judge and point fingers and step on others to make themselves look better and bigger and she is not one of those people.  She makes me proud.

I am grateful for my boys, all of them.. while I thought raising my daughter was challenging... they've made me rethink that and appreciate how easy she really was.  I have learned more coping skills and patience in the last 8-14 years than I have in my entire life. I'm proud of all of them, and while they are not easy.. they're mine and I love them.  They are all wicked smart and they keep me on my toes... Shae's world views are so far advanced for a 14 yr old it blows me away... he's on top of politics and current events throughout the world.  He's got a goal and his eyes set on the prize and there will be no stopping that one... just had to get him headed in the right direction.  He will be a mans man one day... I believe I have had some influence on that.  It took some doing but I don't think he will ever follow in his father's footsteps.  He does have a respect for women/girls and I can see that now.  I don't know that it was always there, and it took me standing on my own two feet and laying down the law for him to see that we are a force to be reckoned with and have earned respect.  I see so much potential in this kid... and determination.... he will do what he says he will do and I have no doubt in that. 

I'm grateful for my twins... I don't know that anyone plans on twins, and I know no one is prepared for twins... and no one can possibly be prepared to be the single mother of twins... but we've managed, we've cried behind closed doors and prayed for guidance... we've prayed for strength and received more trials and tests.  We've prayed for patience and we've again received more trials... but I think we've finally got a handle on this.  I'm grateful they were such stinking cute babies, I look at their pictures at my desk and on my walls at home and remind myself that they didn't ask to be born, they deserve a fair shake and for some reason, I was chosen to be their mother, and Shae was chosen to be their brother, and Shyanne was chosen to be their sister... there is a purpose for all of us. They have taught me to say what I mean and mean what I say... if I say 'just a minute' I'd better mean just a minute... if I say something like 'Gavyn ate the frozen burritos' I'd better be prepared to hear 'no he didn't, he cooked them'... I'm grateful they keep my life interesting.  I worry... I cry... I stress... I know people stay away because they are a handful... they don't get to go stay with their grandparents or friends houses ever... but that's ok.  I'm learning it's ok for them to be them.  We're finding a middle ground with the behavior... and while I would love a break, I'll get one in about 10 years. 

I'm grateful I got chosen to be a mother to these kiddos... someone thought I could handle it.  And for the last 20 years they have been my reason for getting up everyday, improving my life, fighting for every inch... they have been behind alot of tears when I felt I had failed them.  That's alot of responsibility on one persons shoulders.  I want to scream at their father for letting them down the way he did and taking the cowards way out.  He may be in prison, but I'm the one doing the hard time... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am so grateful for Gina and James and Alvaro, they have enriched my life so much... I still get to play grandma to those sweet beautiful babies and I get to still be someone who they can turn too when life gets tough or they just need a friend.  I'm ok with that... there is a reason for everything and I believe that.  I absolutely adore Alvaro... I love the light and energy and happiness he brings to our family. I love his monster bear hugs and his smile and am so grateful my little girl found him and he found her, it puts my heart at ease knowing he's there to take care of her and protect her... after all we've been through, he's exactly what the Dr ordered.  He love her, accepts her past and scars and wants to make a future in our family... I'm ok with that. 
I've been rather gushy lately... I have my honey to thank for that... He's been by my side through thick and thin for over a year now.  He keeps me grounded and makes me think... he's held mirrors up for me and helped me see who I am instead of trying to change me.  He's ok with me being me, he's not fond of my past but he's not expecting me to pretend it never happened.  He's got a past too... we all do, he is truly my kindred spirit.  He's accepted me when I couldn't accept myself and he's helped me understand my boys, and he's understood my boys when I couldn't.  I've needed that kind of calm, patient, loving support.  I don't know what the future holds but if it's more of that, I'd be ok with that...
I'm grateful for my boss, in her understanding and believing in me.  It's helped me excel at work in the last 6 months, where I've simply existed for the last 5 years.  Its funny what can happen when you think people believe in you.  I'm grateful she was able to get me closer to home and to my boys and understood that was a priority for me.  I'm grateful she's a mother too, so she gets that the kids come first and she doesn't judge me when my kids are troublemakers and I have to go save them.
I'm grateful for my mom and my dad... and while they may never see eye to eye again, they have both taught me alot about life.  My mom has always been my soft place to land when things got tough and I didn't think I was tough enough to make it.  My Dad kept pushing me, do more, be more, be better, you can do this... I swore if I heard  "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" one more time I was going to blow a gasket... I'm grateful that even when I fell, they were both always there to help me up, physically and in spirit... it's not been easy having a dad half way across the country but I guess that's what works best for us.  It allows him to remain objective and me to feel more like a grown up and less like a child.
Sometimes, I think... well I think a lot... but I don't think I take enough time to acknowledge those who have helped me along the way.  My friends that I can spill my guts too, the ones that know everything and still love me... I'm grateful that I have quality friends, the kind that no matter how much time has passed, I can call and pick up like it was yesterday.  I've been fortunate to have those kind of friends.  I may not be super popular but I wouldn't trade my friends in for anything... not one of them... they are all valuable to me. 
I've been fortunate to have alot of people in my life who have been there for a reason, a season or a lifetime... I've needed them all... and I've needed them to stay and I've needed them to go when they did.  They all have contributed to my life in a meaningful way.
By the ways of the world, I don't have much... I don't have alot to show for my 40 years... but I have more than most.  I have my family, my kids, my love, my friends, my integrity, my values, my ethics, a way to make a living, things to look forward too, things to look back on and say 'I've come along way' and be proud... I have a very full life.  I have a lot to be grateful for, not just now, but everyday...