Just want to be heard....

I don't know if it's good that I've rediscovered my blog... I have so much I want to say and I can't organize a single thought in my head.  I've tried to outline things in my head but they just won't follow the pattern and then they get all jumbled and I feel like I have alphabet soup in my head.  I'll bet you I can relate to Hunter and his adhd... if that is what its like, which I'm assuming it is a little bit.. Its terribly confusing to try and get out what you want to say and have it received the way you meant it to be recieved.
I've been having a problem lately, with what I say and what people actually hear.  I don't think what I'm saying and what people are hearing are even remotely the same thing.  I've become very aware of this lately, and maybe that's why it's harder for me to say what I want. I keep thinking about how it will be heard instead of just saying what I want to say. 
For example, and this is just a basic example, I tell the boys "No, you can't go play it's late" and they hear, " I hate you and want to make you miserable..." I realize that is basic kids stuff... but then I make myself crazy trying to figure out what to say so they hear "No, you can't go play because it's late".  I also realize I cannot control what people hear when I say whatever it is I have to say... but I'm super aware of this say vs. hear system and it's almost crippled my communication.
When I ask someone "how can I help?" I know that's not what they're hearing... When I say I'm worried or concerned, they're not hearing that either... When I tell my boys how I feel about things, I know they don't hear that I love them and want the best for them, they hear that they're not good enough or they did something wrong and then they get defensive and angry. When I talk to my daughter about her wedding, my ideas and or concerns, she hears me not being supportive... For some reason I feel I've lost my ability to communicate to people.  I don't know where this came from or why I feel responsible for what people hear but it's really troubling me. I want to say the things I want people to hear.  I want things to come across just as they are... I don't know how to do that anymore.  I second guess everything I say and then think of what I could have said or should have said later that would have maybe been clearer or more concise or more compassionate or whatever... I'm doing it right now... ugh!
I do realize that I do the same thing and I have to stop myself all the time from reacting to what I heard vs. what they said... Someone says they're tired and I hear, you're bothering me... or they say the boys are a handful, and I hear, the boys are out of control and you need to do something about it.  I am trying to take things at face value but that voice in my head, it's been pretty loud lately filling me with self-doubt and insecurities....and I absolutely hate it.
Sometimes things only make sense in my head and when I try and talk about them, they don't come out right and then I feel like I sound stupid or needy or insecure... which I am, but I also am not... I know my mind, I know my values, I know my passions and I know what I love... I know I'm a good person, a kind person, a forgiving and sometimes patient person.  But the path from my heart to my brain to my mouth is a bit rough...and once they're out I can't really rearrange them to look or sound pretty like I can when I write...
I don't know if it's all me, but it seems more complicated now than ever to talk to anyone... there just aren't words for what I feel anymore.  It's bigger than my vocabulary.  I wish I could make people understand.  I wish I could just show them how I feel... I try too... I just don't feel like anyone gets it.  When did this all get so complicated? Is it just that I'm more aware now than I have been in the past?  I've always tried to use my words wisely.  I've always been able to paint the picture I needed too with my words, not necessarily my voice... I've lost my touch I guess... sometimes being aware sucks... awareness brings on a whole new responsibility that I'm not sure I know how to handle...
I'm kind of tired of being so aware... I want to go back to my bubble... if you know me well, you know about my 'bubble'... I don't have it much anymore... a little bit but for the most part the bubble is a thing of the past...

Anyway... enough babbling for now....