Well lookie here......

It has definitely been awhile and I thought I had been locked out of my blog because it wouldn't let me in forever.... but Ta-Da here I am :)

Miss me?
Now to play catch up? hmmm... where to start?
I'm still working for the state but they have moved me much closer to home which has been such a blessing! Now it's a 2 minute drive to get the boys from school or to get from home to work. I can even run home for lunch. I don't know that I've ever been able to do that.

I'm still missing my girl... all grown up and engaged... but I am absolutely thrilled to welcome Alvaro to my dysfunctional bunch. I absolutely adore him and he is sooo good to Shy and the boys.  He is a real treasure and I'm so glad Shy found him and was able to have a healthy and whole relationship with an amazing guy. That makes me feel like I've done something right as a parent.  She's brave and brilliant and so strong... I had to have done something right by her, and I hope I can do the same for the boys.

Shae just joined CAP (Civil Air Patrol), I'm not sure I grasp the whole CAP concept but he absolutely loves it, it's voluntary and hopefully leads him in the direction he has always wanted to go.  I believe he meets with ROTC this week.  He's got a determination and a drive in him to really do this and I support that 100%.  He's very political, more so than I will ever be.  He's on top of all the pubic/current/world events.  It amazes me the interest he has in those things at 14 years old.  I really see him heading in a positive direction, which is a huge change from even 6 months ago.  He keeps me on my toes... he's a sharp one, that kid... so smart and handsome... and huge! he's over 6ft now... I'm glad Shyanne got the small genes and not the big ones!

What is there to say about the twins?  sigh.... They... well, they're hard. It doesn't seem to get easier, just different.  They started 3rd grade recently and are in the same class for the first time ever.  Poor teacher... I think we may have found the right combination of medication for Hunter at the moment.  Between watching his diet and taking his meds we have most of his issues under control.  He was recently diagnoses by a Psychiatrist with adhd, which we knew already... O.D.D. and Conduct disorder. All of those 'issues' together are kind of a recipe for chaos, if not addressed.  He's calmed down a lot recently.  He still has some major aggression issues, but he's been able to mellow out a lot quicker than he use too.  I have a long road ahead of me with that kid.  It's a good thing he's so sweet and soft.  Inside he's such a tender heart... most people don't stick around long enough to see what I see in him.  He's not welcome at friends houses and most of our family can only handle him in small amounts... which I understand but it makes me so sad for him... he's not choosing to be this way, it's just how he's wired.  It hurts him when he can't play with kids or can't go visit family... it breaks my heart.  If I could give that kid anything or if I could take anything from him I would in a heart beat... he's a brilliant kid, and I'm not just being mom here... seriously, wicked smart... off the charts at school, 7th grade reading levels at the beginning of 3rd grade.  I take no credit for any of that... he's done that all himself.   He's an amazing kid, he's a brilliant old soul in an 8 year old body...

Gav, my baby by a minute.... he's been challenging lately.  Trying to find himself I think, I think part of the new 'attitude' is feeling the competition of having Hunter in his class and the work not being quite as easy for Gavyn as it is for Hunter.  Gavyn is my social bug, he's Shae's mini-me whether Shae likes it or not.  He tries to do the political talk with Shae (of course Shae doesn't have much tolerance for it) he tries to act macho and tough and puffy like Shae does... when they are all together I have a 14 yr old that fights with the twins like an 8 yr old, I have an 8 yr old trying to be a 14 yr old and I have another 8 yr old who is 60 and 3 at the same time.... It gets a bit busy in our house.... Gavyn is just busy figuring out who he is... He knows he's not Shae and he's not Hunter, but I think he's a little lost because Shae and Hunters personalities are very dominate and he feels the need to compete.  Must be a male thing?  I don't know...

My Gina just had another precious baby girl in September, McKenzie Jordyn and she is absolutely beautiful just like her big sister... I miss those guys.  I'm glad we've been able to maintain a relationship and have it be a lasting one.  I think they know I'm always gonna be there, at least I hope they do... its been hard for me to get around to see people or to hang out, but that doesn't mean I don't think about them all the time and I don't love them. 

James just got married this month and is turning out to be quite the amazing young man.  He works so hard and he's so diligent.  I'm proud of the man he's turned out to be, I know I didn't have a lot to do with any of that but I hope he knows I'm proud of him.  He's got his head on straight... I think he's taken life's lessons and learned from the mistakes of others as to not repeat them.  He gets being honest and fair and loyal. That's all a man needs in life... when you think about it... he's a good one... Joclynn is a lucky girl.  I was glad I got to go to their reception even though I was extremely weirded out and scared to death.  I had to face some of the demons from my past because James was more important than my pride or the skeletons in my closet.
It wasn't easy for me to go to the reception, knowing Steve would be there with his wife.  I don't know why I had such a hang up about it.  Maybe because of the hell that woman has put me through the last 2 years... the belittling and the gloating, but I had to remind myself... I'm not broken.  I'm a bit cracked, but stronger now than ever.  I'm stronger, I'm braver, I'm still a lady and most of all I didn't lose anything. I was able to move onward and upward to better things and better people. I rose above all of the drama and bs.  I was proud of myself for being able to remain a lady.  I was proud of the man I was with, and who we are together.  She didn't hurt me, she helped me... I just didn't see it at the time.  I could not be, nor would not be where I am if it wasn't for her.  I am a better person because of her.  It all seems a bit skewed and I don't think many will understand, nor would I expect them too... But I have an immense amount gratitude for my broken road... because it led me to right here, to right now...
I am now with someone that loves me, all of me.  Who knows my past and doesn't expect me to just 'forget it and move on'.  For those of you that have a 'past', you know that's impossible... it's a part of me, part of who I am, and Phil loves who I am.  He loves the package deal... he doesn't yell at the boys or belittle them by calling them names.  He's patient and kind and talks to them on their level and they respect him for that.  They trust him enough to get angry in front of him and have meltdowns without being scared.  Again, that may not make sense to people either.... but that takes a lot of trust. 
I like who I am, probably for the first time in decades.  I don't like where I am and I am continually moving forward in pursuit of my dreams, but I am not where I was.  I have a full plate, I have challenging children and an amazing man who sees the real me, who accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly... and loves 'just me' and I love 'just him'... the good, the bad, and the ugly... 
I still don't know where I'm going... but I'm proud of where I am and the person I am.  There are so many things I could be... so many excuses I have to fail or quit... but I don't, I won't... I can't...
I have a bucket list... there is still an awful lot of living left to do and I plan on living it.  I plan on being happy and most of all grateful... for those who have come in my life and made it amazing and for those that left and gave me the room I needed to grow. 
I love my babies... all of them... I'm not going anywhere... you're all stuck with me.  Even the babies that don't know they're my babies yet... I'm going to have my porch and my yard and my holidays and my grandbabbies around... I'm going to do all of those things still... no one can stop me...
Thank you babe, for helping me see what was real, for helping me see what mattered and what doesn't... thank you for loving me when I didn't love myself... and thank you for believing in me when I had no faith left and most of all, reminding me to breathe....
My kiddos.... we've come a long way and we have a long way to go still, but don't give up on me and I will never give up on you... ever.... that's kinda what mom's do.