Half-time

If the first week of this year is any indicator of how this year is going to be, I'm out.... I don't want to play.  I'll pray the Mayans are right and I can make it to December again.  I feel like I'm always complaining and I don't mean to sound that way.  I just get exasperated with life and get terribly tired of it being so damn hard.  I feel like I have come such a long way good time right?  just an extended time out to enjoy the entertainment, take a breather from the game, reset and then restart.... is that why people have their midlife crisis? They just need a time out?  I am starting to think so.  I've worked hard, I've been good, I've raised my kids by myself.  I've loved hard, I've been responsible, I've paid my dues... I need a time out, time to regroup so I can finish the second half... is that unreasonable?  Probably, that's why there is so much devastation left when people up and take their half-time without any warning or regard for other's feelings. (if I have excessive typo's excuse them, my computer is possessed and my cursor has a mind of it's own)
I still have my priorities, I still know what is important to me and where my responsibilities lie.  I don't wanna just up and check out of my life and start a new one... I probably only need a weekend breather... that would be amazing.  Do I go alone?  I have resolved this year that I'm going to start living and stop waiting for others to decide what they want so I can plan my life around that.  I am important. My wants are just as important as anyone elses.  I have the right to have others make plans around me, if they want to be involved in my life at all.  I don't always have to put my wants aside while others figure out what the hell they are doing with their lives.  I'm tired of waiting for everyone else to decide what I can do with my life.  I need to be me. 
I miss being me.  I want to do what I want to do... is that selfish?  I've spent the last 20 years living my life based on other's lives, decisions, wants, dislikes, messes, dramas, ex's and schedules.
I'm not quite sure where that puts me... does that mean I need to go it alone?  Is it true that no one will ever fit into my "schedule" as I've been told?  Do I want to be alone?  I'm finding I lose myself in relationships and while I am in no hurry to have a relationship go anywhere,  I can't stand it being stagnant either. 
I was told yesterday that I can't have expectations of people because they will always lead to disappointment, which in part I do believe.  I am not to expect things to be reciprocated in a relationship... I think that is a cop-out.  I think if I am in a relationship, I should be able to expect to be important, to be loved in return, to be a priority.  Why should I put myself into a relationship with the idea I am not to expect anything out of it?  that is counter-productive.  If that is the case, we'd all be better off single.
I wish I was ok being alone... I wish I was ok just living my life the way I want.  But I keep looking for some kind of validation, some kind of acceptance and companionship.  When is it going to be ok, with me, to be me?  Am I so conditioned that I will never be able to accept me doing what I want to do without thinking I'm selfish or dramatic or needy?  Why do I have this need to be needed and wanted?  I think that in my head, if I'm needed there is more security in the relationship because I have something to contribute.  Is that off?  I want to be wanted, but I've learned that fades...
How do I teach my boys to be strong, independent men if I don't know how to do it myself.  Not that I know how to be a man... that's a given.... but I have this need to belong to something bigger than myself. I have the need to contribute to a family, one that I just don't have.... and now my family feels incomplete and I don't know how to change that mindset.   I do know that my kids come first, and no man will ever treat them they way they've been treated in the past.  They are worth more, they are important and they matter... just because they're not you're blood doesn't mean they don't feel and don't cry, and don't deserve a good life, stability and a family.   I haven't been able to give that to them.  I may never be able to give it to them.  But maybe in some odd way, they'll have lived a life they don't want their kids to have to live and give their families everything I couldn't.  Sort of a reverse psychology type of thing... who knows?
I think I've lost interest in school... I've lost interest in work, I've lost interest in alot of things and I need to regroup, put on my big girl panties and figure out what it is I do want and what does interest me, without hurting people and myself....
I'm so ready for half-time... just have to figure out how to do it...