I've spent alot of time this year, reflecting on relationships, analyzing them so to speak... and I've come up with the fact that I don't make the rues. I'm sure my psychology classes are helping immensely. I let everyone else make the rules or boundaries and then complain about the results. But that's because I think they're gonna choose the 'right' thing or even me... what do I know? who am I to determine what's right or wrong? Isn't it just my opinion anyway? They should choose for themselves.
I do this with my kids, afraid of setting firm boundaries, afraid of discipline, thinking they've already had it pretty rough and that if I'm nice and easy they'll do the right thing, and so much is just parenting out of guilt... I feel so guilty for the situation we're in... all of the the 'normal' things they don't have, like a dad.. a home, stability...a parent that can do everything... of course that is me looking back at to the things I wanted my children to have before I had them, or the things that I promised them when they were babies. Yes, I know I know' I didn't have control over things that happened and that I'm doing the best I can. But that doesn't mean they don't blame me or look at me for normalcy. It's not like I don't feel responsible. If I don't, who does? I'm all they have. Which is where I feel guilty and they end up making the rules of the relationship.
I've decided that I'm just not cut out to ever be in a normal husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because I'm simply not crazy enough. It's the crazy chicks that get the guys and tend to keep them. Probably because they make the rules. I don't. I let them make up their own minds, be their own person, give them wings, and let them fly away.... stupid me... for some silly reason I keep thinking, building them up, loving them, supporting them, spoiling them, and encouraging them would give them a sense of what have to contribute to a lifelong relationship, but apparently it gives them them arrogance maybe better the self-confidence they had lacked and I end up being the doormat they wipe their feet on, on their way out... I don't make rules. I was raised with the golden rule. I keep thinking that the better I treat people, and the more I love and encourage them, the more I give of myself, the more I'll get in return. Life has not worked out that way. The golden rule is pretty much dead.
I don't know how to make rules. I read a quote recently that "those who love the least, control the relationship", that really hit home with me...it's true. I throw it all in and hope for a positive result and I am, in fact, afraid to make rules. I had someone I care about very much, ask me why I didn't make rules in relationships, (and by rules I think I mean more like boundaries, expectations of what is and isn't ok.) Rules like: hitting me isn't ok, cheating on me isn't ok, we work things out or try to before we give up and bail, the kids and I are a package deal, for example, and I said," because I figure I'm dealing with an adult that says they love me, they say they want to be with me, they should know the rules and if I start 'laying down the law' they'll leave." And my friend says, 'and that's worked out for you really well so far hasn't it?' Ok, point taken... my approach doesn't work. It may never work. I may need a housecoat (which my mom gave me for Christmas, so I'm well on my way), and like 100 cats... That I can do... I almost understand it. They don't leave, they don't cheat, they love you unconditionally, no matter if you do your hair and make-up or if you gain 10 pounds. All you have to do is feed them and love them. That's pretty much all I've done anyway, men are just more fickle...
I'm so tired of hearing, you're too good for me, I don't deserve you, you do too much and makes me feel obligated or guilty.... its just what I do, it's how I was taught, it's how grandma loved grandpa. Don't I deserve that? I'm not a bad person. Why can't someone get that? Why can't someone just appreciate me for what and who I am. I can't compete with crazy people, I can't complete with babies mama's. I'm never going to have anyone elses kids. I'm no longer pro-creating, especially in order to 'keep' a man.... I want to make rules, I want to say if you say something; mean it. If you commit;commit and follow through. I am not a life-coach but a wife or a girlfriend; I want to be treated and loved as one. I make you a priority and I expect the same. I get other obligations in life and don't have problem with them as long as there is communication. I understand fears, hesitations, and skeletons in your closet, understand I have a past of my own to overcome, I have my insecurities, my fears, my conditioning, give me time and patience like I am trying or have given you. Understand I don't love halfway, I jump in with both feet and love with all I have and am; don't underestimate that, don't take it for granted and let me do what I do. I can't do things halfway, there is no point in doing it at all if you're not going to give it your all. If you're not in, say so, don't take advantage and don't string me along in fear of hurting me, that only hurts me more later. Don't hurt my kids, if I've brought you into their lives its because first of all I trust you, and second of all ,I believe you have something to offer them, even if its just being an example of how to be a good man or how to treat a woman.
Those are fair rules right? I don't feel they are unreasonable. If I keep doing what I've done, I'll always get what I've gotten right? sigh....
I can't say I'm sorry to see Christmas over, it's a very melancholy time of year for me, there are a lot of tears and alot of self-pity and guilt. I'm glad it's over and I get a new start. I need another one. This year has got to be better...
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