So this year Christmas came with no Christmas cards being sent, again, sorry folks. It doesn't mean I don't think about everyone, it just means I'm to scatterbrained lately to pull it all off.... I have to admit this year was a bit rough. I'm not sad to see it go. I did accomplish alot though... but they were uncomfortable things to do.
I don't remember much happening before my surgery other than my little girl moved out on her own, decided to spread her wings. She has had an amazing year. It was definitely her year to shine. She went out on her own, got a terrific job that pays her well, she has an amazingly boyfriend and dog, she was first runner up in Miss Deaf Utah Pageant. She has touched so many people's lives with her energy, hope, and love. I'm very proud of her. It's nice to see her turn into the woman that I have always known she would be, maybe even better.
The boys.... hmmmm, they all have given me a run for my money... who knew they could all go in so many different directions at the same time. It makes me a little crazy. They each are so very individual, each one has so many amazing qualities and sweet gentle hearts... trapped in bodies of spider monkeys on meth...God must have thought I could do this... must have trusted me at some point. I have the angry teenager, the adhd boy that is constantly in trouble, and my emotional meltdown boy... I'll tell you, a teenage girl was a piece of cake. I do not know what aliens have taken my children but I wish they would return my babies, sweet and gentle like they were. They're all getting so big.
Shae will be 14 in 5 days, and the twins will be 8 in exactly a month... I really can't believe we've made it this far. We've done ok. We're all ok. I just have to keep telling myself that.
I love my kids so much, and I know I don't tell them enough because I have to be the 'bad guy' all the time. There are certainly times I miss being their soft place to land instead of the one setting all the boundaries and trying to be consistent. I miss playing with them and baking with them. I miss being Mom. I hate being crazy lady trying to keep her head above water.
I did make it through my surgery, that was quite the ordeal. But I did tell myself, that I had a year to pull myself together, everything, including my health. So I went and got my back fixed. Now I'm glad I did, still sore from time to time, and I forget I'm still a bit limited as to what I can do. I tend to forget 7 months ago I couldn't even walk.
So after the surgery I moved us to Layton. I needed out of Salt Lake. Needed away from some of the memories and a fresh start somewhere new but still within commuting distance. It's been an adjustment. Its really nice only being 10 miles away from my mom. I've never lived that close to her ever. I have friends out here from my old job and we have re-kindled our relationships which is nice. I tend to be a hermit and they remind me there is a world out there and I can be a part of it.
This year had been a roller coaster of highs and lows. The highs have been really high, like winning the 15 thousand dollar smile make-over, unbelievable! I have never wanted anything so bad in my life and I actually won something. It's still surreal and I'm already getting worked on. In the same week I lost my Grandma. My sweet little grandma finally left to go spend Christmas with Grandpa and Aunt Susie. I know she's happy now, but it was sure hard to let her go. She has always been my inspiration. I wanted to be her when I grew up. I still do. Granted I have fallen short, but who knows? Maybe sometime my life will settle down and I can be a mom and a wife and eventually a grandma...
I've been so fortunate to have my friends and family around me, they have all been so supportive. Even my team at work has started to click for me. It takes me too long to warm up to people and by the time I do, they switch everything around. That's the only constant in life lately, inconsistency.
I'm ok. The boys are ok. We're all ready for a new year. Ready for a better year. I'm going to be 40 in 2012.... seems a little crazy... how'd that happen? Where did my 20's and 30's go? That was my goal this last year, to get back to me, to be healthy and happy and totally rock my 40's. I can do that... 40 is the new 30 right?
I just wanna say I love you all. Those of you I don't see that often, I'm sorry and I miss you... things got weird for me but I'm a big girl and can deal with it. I'm not going to lose friends or family. I don't have anything witty or cute to say. I'm so tired right now I can barely think. I just wanted to let people know I'm still alive, we're still kicking, and we love you all and wish you the merriest of Christmas's, I hope you're all surrounded by those you love and that love you after all, that is the greatest of all gifts.
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