Crazy crazy ride....

This week has been quite challenging to say the least.  I got through Thanksgiving ok, I did go to a friends house for a bit, but she started her turkey so late that I couldn't stay, I left the boys there since I had to work the next day anyway, so they got their Thanksgiving still... I got to go home and still wallow a bit, thought I'd get something to eat and then realized there wasn't anything... thought the grocery store would be open but that was a big negatory... next time I'll at least be prepared enough to have something I like to eat around the house on Thanksgiving... I ended up with my Charlie Brown Thanksgiving with popcorn and a movie... good enough for me, had to work on 'Black Friday' anyway...
So Friday was ok, seemed dumb to be open as I don't think anyone knew we were and we just sat there most of the day. Saturday was ok... Sunday, not so good...
Sunday, I decided that after about a month of trying to deal with it myself that I was giving up and going to an insta-care to get an antibiotic for my sinus infection, so as soon as I got there, I got a phone call, which really doesn't happen all that often... just so happened to be the Layton City Police... sigh.... ya you know who got picked up for shoplifting... he was suppose to be at his friends house playing, Shae was at home babysitting the place and I thought I could run... no can do.... so I had to leave my appt, run up to the store across the street from our apartment and pick him up from the store manager and cops.. .Hunter and his friend were both sitting there bawling, splotchy faced, pointing fingers at each other, offering every excuse in the book but not once taking responsibility.  That kind of made me sad... I've always taught my kids right from wrong, and most of all, that we all make mistakes and when we do, we own them, we take responsibility for our choices, good or bad.  No one makes us do anything... I told Hunter if I or even his friend had the power to 'make' Hunter do anything, it would be to clean his room and do amazing things in the world.,, not steal.... So Hunter's been grounded for real this time, and I've been consistent all week.... Impressed?  ya well it doesn't stop there.... after all of that, a night of beating myself up for being a crappy parent to have a child that did this... I went back to work... mid-afternoon I get a phone call from Hunter and Gavyns principal... not really uncharted territory for me considering.... his principal starts out "Hunter's been in my office 3 times...."  and I sighed thinking, in the last week?  The last month? maybe we've lucked out and this is just the 3rd time this year... ummm no.... 3 times that day... ya chalk that up to another super terrific day.... which continued right into daycare where he got sassy and physical with the teacher there... I was so excited to get him... I reminded him he was grounded when I got him and he went in, straight to his room and fell asleep, and slept until 7 am the next morning.  This is so not like him.... so I'm hoping he just didn't feel well and we're back on track....
So there goes the roller coaster... I did get back to the dr and got my prescription, just in case you were worried....
Tuesday morning, I get to work and I get a phone call, and they want my mom, not me, which makes me think it's Hunter's teacher (she doesn't like bugging me at work knowing the whole single mom thing I have going on, so she calls mom)  so I call my mom to see if that's who it was and she said it wasn't but that she needed to talk to me, at the same time I get another call.... I'm so freaking popular lately....
So I tell my mom I'll call her back and take the call just in case one of the boys had done something else I could be super proud of... no it was a lady named Tory calling me from the dentist office I had gone too once this summer... long story short, my mom had entered me into a 'contest' of sorts or 'nominated' me for a smile make over, I hadn't thought about it since I had gone there since they fixed my tooth in like July and I was on my way... anyway, Tory told me that their office was extremely touched by my story and they had all decided that I was the one they wanted to win the smile make-over.... HUH?  worth 15 thousand dollars, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I seriously thought it was a wrong number or a joke.  But apparently it's not because they've called me several times since about permissions for things and getting pictures etc.... it's real folks... Things like this don't happen to me, ever!  I am seriously like a dog that was kicked too much and good things make me super nervous.... so I spent most of the day crying, thanking them and my mother... and just crying in disbelief.... I was afraid to call the clinic back to make an initial appointment in fear it wasn't real... silly huh? 
So on my way home from my super draining crazy day, my mom calls me, and my hero, angel, grandma isn't doing so great.  I guess that depends on you're definition of great... it's almost time for her to go and be with my grandpa... I know that, I don't want her to go, but I know she wants too, and I want her happy and comfortable and not stuck in this old earthly body... I still just want her to be 30 years younger and live forever... but that's just me.  Me being selfish... I don't want to live forever, I couldn't imagine being 85, of course 30 years ago I couldn't imagine being 39...
I've blogged many times about my grandma, she's the last of that generation in my family, the last of an amazing generation... Sometimes I wonder if that was when I should have been born... I wanted my life to turn out like grandma's, I couldn't have gotten further from it... but that's what I wanted... a home, a husband that adored me and I him... kids, grandkids, a garden, a community I belong too, be able to raise my kids in a small town with stability, I want to cook and bake and make stuff... go on picnics and camping and fishing, and have time to spend with my kids and grandkids and mother.  There wasn't anything my Grandma couldn't do.... alot of things in my life will die when she does, there are things I don't know how to do, didn't have time to learn, or didn't have time for her to teach me.  The things she did teach me, I'm so afraid I've forgotten....
I think what I regret the most, and this is the same with her and my grandpa, I always wanted them to be proud of me and to know I was ok... I wasn't when my Grandpa died, I was in a really bad place in my life... and very alone... and now, well I don't know if she's proud of me, I do know she loves me, but I don't think she knows I'll be ok, how could she?  half the time I don't even know, I just fake it... fake it till you make it right? 
So I go from willing a new smile to losing my hero within 8 hours.... that was a bit much for me.
Nothing significant happened the rest of the week... but it's still been exhausting.  I had homework due on Monday that I still haven't done.   I'm trying to care but I just don't right now...
Everything seems a little crazy and upside down... red is blue and right is left... Christmas is right around the corner, I can't even start my panic attack about that right now, that's a whole other rant... I can't deal with that right now... this time of the year is always so hard... bad enough having Christmas, then there's Shae's bday and then the twins...  I so fail at these things anymore.  No time, no resources, no interest....
I do have a new smile to look forward too, if youve never noticed,  I don't do toothy smiles, never have... this is as good as it gets.... for now...