They boys are about to go back 'on track' as school finally, they've been out for a few weeks. Shae just broke up with his first admitted girlfriend (dumb teenage girls) and me? I feel like I'm stuck in Bill Murray's "Ground Hog Day". Everyday the same thing, I get up, get the boys all dropped off, do the commute, get the the office, look at the back of the same people's heads all day, doing the same type of work all day, just more and faster... it's leaving me feeling rather bored and bland. I don't quite know what to do about it.
I tried to shake things up a little and I took me and the boys to Red Robin, yes by myself, and we actually had a pretty good time... there was only one slight spillage, Shae survived without having to hid his face on the way out and got a decent meal out of it. All in all it was a pretty successful family outing to an eatry that did not have a playland. Its a start right? Sometimes when we go out its sensory overload for Hunter especially and he has to see and hear and touch everything....he gets so distracted he can't eat or carry on a conversation. It's kind of cute but limits what I want to put him through at one time.
So Hunter's ADHD medicine is working well for him with one side effect, which isn't terrible, but he never sleeps anymore, and has lost a little weight. We took Gavyn off of that med because it wasn't working the same, he Dr suggested that Gavyn's just might be more anxiety than ADHD so they are having me try him on a low dose of liquid zoloft. And Shae had agreed to talk to the Dr about what he's been going through and how he's been feeling lately and he was open and honest and she is having him try a low dose of zoloft as well. Now I am not all about drugging my kids because I can't handle them, we've tried therapy for all of them for the last 4 years, play therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, attempted family counseling.... but nothing clicked yet. Maybe they aren't ready and maybe it is something medicinal. With Hunter on his meds lately, I don't know why I made him struggle the last few years so hard. He has done a complete 180 and is amazingly alert and calm and reasonable, he's who he's suppose to be. Gav and Shae still need a little more time but we're going to work this out....
I love my boys, they'll probably argue otherwise, they drive me crazy to the point of wanting to stick ice picks in my ears and pluck out my own eyeballs, but I couldn't have life any different. I couldn't give up any one of them. I sure wouldn't mind a break from them, and I would love to be able to take them out more without someone throwing a fit, calling names or being embarrassed... we're working up to that.
I have one week left in my English comp class, yeah ! but then realized the summer sped by. I'm feeling much better, walking better and losing weight which is nice, but I don't want summer to be over, I love the hot summer nights, where I'd get home at 6 and it wouldn't get dark until 10. Now I get home at six and it's already getting dark. I don't know what I'm missing, probably no much but it feels like it. It was fun to take he kids to the pool and hang out after work for a few hours.... plus it'd wear the boys out. I guess the summer nights remind me of alot of good times, when things were fun in my life, where things were easy, where things were right just how they were... it felt like they would never end, but indeed they did.
I'm not sure I'm liking the cooler weather in my back.... the mountains are beautiful right now all changing beautiful call colors, my favorite palate... that makes me nostalgic for times the big kids and i would go up into the canyons and down by the lake and get leaves and twigs and cattails and I would make things with them for the house... I dont even know how I had the time to do that then.... everything for the last 7 years has been keeping up with the little ones. I feel like I'm doing them a disservice not giving them the same opportunities as I gave the big kids, but what do you do? I'm two parents in one body now, but I wasn't back then....
But this year I'm really going to try hard and suck it up and change my attitude about the whole holiday season. I want it to be fun, I want the kids to be excited, I want to be excited..... I don't know how much longer we're going to stay here, I don't think this place is working for us as well as I had hoped.... it suits it's purpose just fine though. I keep telling Shae it's just a rest stop though. I'm sure that gives him a ton of confidence in me.... he's so tired of changing school... he wants to go to a school and stay there, establish friends, you know all the things I wanted to do at that age that I swore I'd never put my boys through.
So this week we're working on the attitude and changing my internal perspective and expectations. If I don't it will end up like the last few, miserable....
Well I already did my homework tonight and it's about 2:30 in the morning, the boys will be up in about 4 hours. Of course on the weekends they wake up that early, just not on a school morning, go figure.
If anyone still reads this, know I love you, I think about you and I still care... don't forget about us, we need you, you're all we have. Take care and thank you.
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