So I'm looking at 5 months post-op and I'm feeling so much better, but what a struggle that was. I don't think I'd do it again. Hopefully I'll never have too.
I keep typing things and then my laptop decides to highlight and delete everything I just typed, sounds like when I write my papers for school.
We are all doing well, we have had one case of strep but that is about it so far... Shae is adjusting to being back from Kentucky and being in school. Even though I bet he'd give his right arm to be back in Kentucky and not here. Typical teenager I guess? He got to do alot of stuff that we don't get to do, and they always had enough food and gas etc... but what do you? Single mom, 3 boys, we make do.... and basically I don't think we're doing too bad. He would beg to differ, even though he just got an xbox 360 with all the accessories.... ya he's hurting...
I'm actually starting to get a little excited about the holidays this year. I've been on a holiday hiatus for the last few years. Simply dreading the mere thought of summer being over and school starting would through me into a holiday pre-panic and I would end up failing the holidays epically.
Holidays are a hard real reminder of what we have and what we don't have. I have to remember to focus on what we do have and not what we don't. The kids keep talking about 'normal', I don't know what normal is... I apparently don't do normal. I remember lavish Christmas's and Thanksgivings as a kid at my grandparents houses and I loved those... those are some of my fondest memories and I always wanted that for my kids but.... considering the family dynamic, it just isn't possible. The older kids had some of those Christmas's and I'm glad that I was able to do that for them when they were little but those days are over and the twins have never known any different than this... Anyway, all we have is us. But we can pull this off and not have it be terrible.
I've struggled every single year for Christmas and something has always come through based off the generosity of others. This year I'm hoping I'm in a little better position to do this myself. The whole Thanksgiving thing still bums me out. I miss hosting the big dinner and having family come over and play games, watch tv and hang out. Now the dynamic is a bit different and things would get or could be a bit weird if we were to interject ourselves into a place where we once belonged but don't anymore, no offense to anyone... it's just different now.
I want the kids to have good memories, which means I need to kick it in gear and start doing those things I use to love doing with the kids again. We need to carve pumpkins and decorate for holidays, bake and go see Christmas lights and go Christmas shopping. This isn't the "heather feels inadequate' season it's a holiday season. So I figure if I get a jump on this, and pre-determine my attitude and state of mind, I just might make it through this year ok. It's not easy to do alone, it's a bit overwhelming and the fear of failure or disappointment looms over me. But I need to remember we all have each other, we have a roof over our head and clothes on our back and I still have a good job with good benefits... I do look forward to spending the holidays with my kids and my boyfriend... I can do this. I will do this. I will most likely stress a bit and might have a meltdown or two, but it is going to be ok.
I want pictures to post and smiles on the boys faces... that might be asking for alot but I'm gonna try.
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