It's been 6 months and 2 weeks since my surgery and I'm finally feeling a bit more 'normal'. I was beginning to think that I had made a huge mistake, thinking that the pain would never stop and that I had messed up my body forever. I'm glad that is not the case. I still have a few minor issues, but nothing like it was. I can handle a numb foot here and there and some back pain when it gets cold... that's doable. I can look at the stairs now and know they're not overwhelming. I don't have to plan my day by how many trips I may or may not have to take down the stairs that day. I don't stand at the bottom of the stair case at work and wonder how long it's going to take me to get up them. In fact I found myself just cruising down them the other day without ever thinking. And, best of all, I've been able to wear some of my cute shoes again without feeling like a pig on stilts....
I've managed to drop quite a bit of weight in being mobile again, that and being broke. The best diet of all... The boys are fine, we just don't tend to have the same tastes in food lately and since they don't want to eat any of my cooking, I just don't anymore. That kind of makes me sad, I really like cooking this time of year. I took a lot of pride in it when I could have family or friends over and serve a good homemade meal... there is little point in that now. No family and no friends to cook for anymore. Not on a pity party, just moved out of the way and our place isn't very welcoming to company, being that we still lack furniture.... it's all good though, less stuff to have moved, and to potentially move, and less for the kids to stain... we'll wait till they're a little older and can actually take care of things.
The boys have struggled with the move, I think the summer was ok since I was home with them, and if anything I was glad that my surgery enabled me to do that. Made me miss being a stay at home mom... being able to put family first, plan meals, be involved in school activities, making sure homework got done, planning holidays and family outings. But that was a lifetime ago, funny how 2 1/2 years in 19 years changed my entire outlook on being a mom... It wasn't just something you do, but who you are. And for those 2 1/2 years that's who I was. It's nice to have had that, even for a short time. My mom was a working mom and I was a latch key kid and I just thought that was how it was. I never even thught about being a stay at home mom with Shae or Shyanne... I wish I had, I wish I had more time with them. But I'm glad the twins came and gave me that opportunity.
I'm trying to put together my gratitude list, as this time of year really really puts me in pity party mode... I want to think about all the things I can't do and don't have rather than what I do have and what I am thankful for. My instincts for this coming week are to prepare for the wallowing to begin, to find some place for the kids to have a 'traditional' thanksgiving and then just spending the day in my room feeling sorry for myself. Nice positive outlook on things isn't it? So I'm forcing myself to look at what I am grateful for and put it in writing so it isn't just thoughts in my head that I can dismiss as whimsical.
- I am grateful for the ability to support my kids, no matter how meagerly I do it, I'm doing it, even when I was told for years I couldn't do it.
- I'm grateful for modern medicine so that I don't have to live in chronic pain and can go back to being me, minus the pain. Even though that was the most painful experience ever to go through alone. You never know how tough you are until you have no other choice. And for the medicines that help Hunter be Hunter and not a crazy outta control kid that is always in trouble, that's not who he is... he's sweet and loving and brilliant and I'm glad we've found something that lets other people see that.
- I'm grateful for patient teachers and daycare directors, that care more about me and my kids, then their occasional bad behavior, and their willingness to help me, help them. And for them for listening to me and offering advice and understanding when I'm frustrated.
- I'm grateful for my kids. While they are my greatest challenge, they are my heart, my breath, my anchor in life. They give me purpose and meaning. They're beautiful and so intelligent, more intelligent than I ever was at their age. And they are themselves, always... I admire that. I admire that they don't change who they are because it's not the 'norm'. It makes them interesting, it gives them perspective that the rest of us don't have. We're so busy living and fitting in the proverbial box that we lose sight of actually living. They haven't lost sight of living and they don't live in society's box. They remind me daily of what is and isn't important, they have been my greatest teachers, all of them.
- I'm grateful for my family, even though I whine about not having any, because I'm not 'close' to anyone. I'm not emotionally or locationally close to anyone, so I have the tendency to feel like an only child/orphan. I don't get to have the family holidays or get togethers for birthdays or just because. I do tend to look backwards and miss what I had. I miss hosting Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas parties and bbq's... that was something I loved doing and miss terribly. I look back at my childhood and wish that my kids got to have the big Thanksgiving dinners with their aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents, a chance to sit at the 'kids table'... all of the things that I had.
- I'm grateful for the perspective I've gained in being a parent and understanding my parents more and realizing they weren't as dumb as I though they were back then, like my kids think I am now. I understand more now, I appreciate them more, I get the struggles and trials they had with my sister and I. I understand the arguments and tears and even punishments. Without my kids, I don't know that I ever would have had my eyes open to what they went through as parents. Without my kids I wouldn't have realized that we, as children, do not come with owners manuals, we're all different, all unique and all have our own sets of needs and ways of communicating. We all had separate and individual battles that our parents tried to help us through. We were stubborn or easy going at separate times, never both 'good' at the same time. Boy do I understand that more than ever now, especially with twins.
- I'm grateful for the few close friends I do have, it doesn't matter how much time goes by or what happens, we can pick up like we haven't missed a day in each others lives. We will always care and love each other. I have been blessed with some truly genuine friends, and even though we all have our own lives, our own trials and often go in different directions. We're always there for each other.
- Now that the twins are almost 8, I'm grateful for locks on doors and sleep... and knowing they won't go anywhere in the middle of the night or completely trash the house and can feed themselves breakfast if I don't get up when they do. I've waited to sleep for 19 years... I'm out of practice, not very good at it at all, but it's nice to have the option again.
- I'm grateful for the people that have been brought into my life as family, and have stayed there regardless of 'relation' afterwards. It's nice to know they are there, even though I worry I don't belong there anymore, things have changed and well, I really don't have a 'place' so to speak but I know they love me and the kids and will always be there as 'family', and for the boys they will always be family, they will be the aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings and niece that mean the world to them. The only real family they know, as they still think I've made up my sister... they believe in the Easter bunny, tooth fairy and boogie man more than they believe I really have a flesh and blood sister. How sad is that? But they do know they have James and Gina and Matt and their Grandparents always and that they are real...
- I'm grateful that regardless of my immature behavior sometimes, and me acting out of emotion and pain instead of logic and maturity, that the twins can still have a bit of a relationship with their Dad (Steve). It's been good for them, just knowing he's around and does care. I've learned how much it hurts to feel 'abandoned' and I've see it happen to so many kids, even when they're not kids anymore, I really wasn't, I was almost 16, but I took my dad moving across the so country personally, like I wasn't important enough to stick around for. I realize people have their own lives, but my kids are my life and I couldn't imaging just leaving, (ok, I threaten to run away but only for a night or two) but there were alot of other circumstances going on that a 15 yr old doesn't take into consideration, and didn't realize at the time that the whole world didn't revolve around me. I'm glad the boys aren't so wrapped up in the self-pity and they tend to roll with the punches of my life, maybe not as well as I do. They certainly haven't had it easy and this isn't the life I wanted for them, but the twins don't know any different life anyway. I think that is why Shae is so angry, is because he had more stability and more family and was spoiled rotten when he was little.... the twins never have been, so they don't know what they're missing and I'm grateful for that.
- I'm grateful for hair dye and the occasional ability to splurge on myself, even though I feel guilty as hell afterwards. I'm glad I have friends that tell me I'm worth it and that I need it and I deserve it every once in awhile.
- I'm grateful that I'm not as bitter and angry as I could be. I worry about that alot. I still hope, I still dream, I still think there is something or someone out there for me but I have to be patient and wait until I know what or who it is, even if it's just learning that it's ok for me to just be alone and that I don't need to be loved like I thought I did, learning that it's ok to not be the wife I always wanted to be. Maybe I have something else to offer the world. I'm glad I still haven't given up. Someday I will have what I need, I just don't know that it's going to be what I think I wanted.
- I'm grateful for the memories I do have of my childhood holidays, and my wonderful grandparents and the ton of cousins I had. I look back on those memories with so much fondness. I miss those days, I miss my grandparents, and this time of the year is really hard for me not having them. When my parents weren't there for me, my grandparents always were... they were always my stability, my example of family and marriage, they were everything I wanted to be and have when I grew up. I just wanted one man to love me forever.... it's never going to happen, but Im glad I've seen it happen and I'm glad it happened to them.
- I'm grateful for the ability to express myself. The ability I have to go to school and to work. For my health and strength even when I don't think I have any.
- I'm grateful for my bedroom and my ability to cry when I need too without upsetting my boys.
- I'm so grateful for my amazing daughter and how incredibly kind and loving and giving she is, not only to her family but to her community. She has so much to give and she's giving it. She will change the world someday, she's already changed mine and many others. She's inspiring and beautiful and so smart. I must have done something right in those 19 years, even if it was just feeding and clothing her... the rest is all her. I'm so proud of her.
- I'm grateful that my boys love me, even when they say they don't, I know they do. I'm glad they talk to me, and that they're open and honest. Sometimes too open and honest for me, but I didn't grow up that way. They are all so smart, too smart, and so handsome. We have a few things to iron out but we can do it.
- I'm grateful for all of the things I take for granted, my ability to have cable tv and the internet, cell phones for me and the kids and a car that's reliable.
- I'm grateful that we're all alive, and healthy, people might not understand, but that wasn't always something I thought I would still have at this point. I'm glad for the justice system and that justice was served for my kids sake. I'm glad we don't have to live in fear like that anymore. We struggle everyday with our demons from that time in our lives, but we're not afraid of each other. We're learning to trust and not be so paranoid all the time. I'm grateful for my daughters strength and the strength only a mother could have to do what I had to do, when I had to do it.
- I'm grateful for my friends that have stood by my side though everything and loved me regardless and never judged me.
- I'm grateful for the ability we all have to forgive. We may not forget, but we can forgive. We can chalk things up to life lessons. The ability to take situations and learn from them, and to know they happened for a reason and they weren't for nothing.
I'm sure I could think of other things and I'm sure I left things out. This may be continued... its a bit therapeutic as it gets closer to Thanksgiving, I'm trying to not let my anxiety take over... not always easy, so if you see or hear me freaking out... just ask me what I'm grateful for... even if it's popcorn, it puts me back on the right path.
Miss you!
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