Who wants to do chores every minute they have off of work? I don't, but it seems that is all I have time for. I think the kids feel the same way. We are finally off of our 4-10's work week, that lasted 3 years... so next week will my my first 8 hr shifts, now I'm not as excited as I thought I would be, being that my new boss just quit and went out in balls of flames, so they moved us all to new teams again... being the 'new' guy on the team, regardless of time spent at the department, I'm still low man on the totem pole... so I got the yucky schedule of working 9-5:30... really? I waited patiently all this time for that schedule? That doesn't help me at all... might as well be working 10 hr days. I won't get home any sooner, boys will be at the day care longer, still long nights with homework and chores and shopping etc, going in at 9 am blows... I'd rather go in at 7-7:30, get it over with and get home, get the boys, make dinner and still have time to do their homework and mine... so now I get to work 5 days a week coming home late instead of 4... yipee... they'll re-evaluate the schedule in 3 months... peachy...
The boys are all in school, only a few calls from Hunter's teacher to deal with... Shae isn't thrilled about having school uniforms, but it made school shopping a little easier...
I think the more I'm holed up here alone, with the boys alone, the more use to it i get. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. I've been really impatient with people and I just don't want to coddle adults anymore, don't want to tip-toe around people anymore... tired of trying to please the impossible people... so I quit. I'm done with the never happy, always miserable, always complaining, small-minded, self-centered people... for some reason I attract them like flies to honey... I'm an enabler... people must be able to spot me a mile away and know that it's in my nature to try and help, try and fix and try to make happy.... and I would be better off banging my head on a brick wall. Seems that a lot of my past friendships and relationships have really been lop-sided that way... funny how you can see that when you're outside looking in, but not when you're in it looking at it. In my current relationship, I'm getting use to not having to 'fix' things or not being good enough, or the boys being quiet enough or well behaved enough... there is a lot less stress to deal with without all of that hanging over my head. I still get lonely, still feel like I've somewhat disappeared off the face of the earth, but the people I've cut out of my life are people I couldn't ever make happy. But then I run into my intense need to be needed, I need to be helping, to be fixing, I feel like I have to do these things to be loved because without those things I haven't earned love. Contrary to popular belief, love isn't free it comes with a cost, the only difference is what you are willing to pay for it. I've paid too much.
I have a feeling that with my one year anniversary of my divorce coming up quickly, that it will be the first of many. I'm getting to use to being on my own, I don't want too... I don't want to be alone but all things considered I am where I need to be. Probably could use a little help with the boys, what do I know about being a boy? I am having a hard time relating to Shae lately and it gets intimidating and scary, but we are better off this way and everyone else is just missing out.
I'm tired... not happy about my work schedule, but I do have another job interview next week, I'm bored, but school starts back up next week. I wish I could just settle down and be content. I think that's all I've ever wanted was to be content... its not likely to happen any time soon... I get bored too easy. I wonder where my kids get it from?
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