Life's lessons...

I'd have to say I've learned alot in the past 5 or so years, more than I would have liked to actually.  It's been a series of what my Dad would describe as me learning things the 'hard hard way' vs just the hard way. 
So I'm home after a long week, even though it was still only 4 days, it seemed like eternity and I come home too... what? Shae is busy being a teenage boy and the twins run off to play with their friends...
I have learned it's awesome to come home to someone who loves you and welcomes you home with a big squeeze and a 'how was your day?'
But I've also learned that it's better to come home to my own place with my own things and know that people aren't unhappy, or miserable being with me.  I'd rather be alone than with someone that doesn't love me or want to be with me.
I've learned to say what I mean and mean what I say, I've kind of always done that anyway, but I've also learned that isn't the normal thing to do.  I have learned that I'm tired of guessing what people want, or what they are feeling or what they are really trying to say without saying it.  I want it bold and out loud and honest.
I've learned that most parents, are just parents, we all make mistakes, some people think they are amazing parents and make sure the rest of us feel like we aren't, when in reality all of our situations are different and usually it's our kids that are amazing.
I've learned my greatest teachers in life have not been my parents although they are right up there, my greatest teachers have been my children.  They aren't bad kids, they're busy, they are full of life and they wake up everyday excited for life, they wake up with awesome everyday.  I want to do that...
I've learned that I'm not the 'black' sheep of the family, our family is multi-colored and there is every shade of every color in our family, I fit right in with the rest of the herd.
I've learned that just because I don't always know where I'm going, doesn't mean I'm lost... I'm just taking the scenic by-way
I've learned that while I don't have the fanciest car, or have a nice house, or even shop at the malls, that doesn't make me less of a success or more of a failure.  My success in life is being alive, and watching my children grow into amazing people.  Stuff is just stuff.  It can all be replaced, my children and I cannot.  We are unique and amazing just how we are, minus the 'stuff'
I've learned that just because I haven't seen some of my friends in ages, decades even, doesn't mean they're not my friends anymore and that they don't think about me and that I don't think about them.  I love my friends and I know they love me.
I've learned that family is more than blood and can grow exponentially and decrease just as quickly.  While I find myself wanting to hang on to people, wanting that life I had, I realize that its not mine to have anymore and I don't fit in, even though I want too.  I have this need to belong, to be needed and to be important in a family...
I've learned that while I hate being alone, it's easier than being with someone angry or unhappy and even abusive.  Everyone knows my story, there's nothing to hide.  Being alone is better than being beaten, it's better than being scared all the time, it's better than walking on eggshells everyday not knowing what is going to explode and when.  But I've learned I miss physical touch.  Someone brushing the hair out of my eyes or giving me a hug or holding my hand.
I've learned that I may go through life alone, I may not have anyone by my side when my daughter gets married (no she's not getting married but someday I'm sure she will).  I won't have anyone by my side when the boys driving (oh man!) and dating and graduate... I'm learning to accept that. I'm learning it will be ok. 
I'm always learning something and I don't always like it or agree with it, but life has taught me alot, my children have taught me alot... my parents have taught me alot.  I wish I had listened better when I was a kid.  I wish I wasn't so stubborn and bull-headed. I wish I wasn't so tender-hearted, broken-hearted and lonely.
But I am grateful for the chance to learn these things.  There was a time that it wasn't going to be a possibility, my fate was somewhat written in blood on the walls of my home.  I'm glad I was able to change that.  Even if it means being alone.