Things Change....

Funny thing about life, especially mine... nothing stays the same long.  I wish it did, and the things that do stay the same, sometimes I wish wouldn't.  But here I am...
I am back to work, I have the twins in daycare and they are in school right now, they happen to be in year round school out here. We'll see how that goes, so far so good.  I get to pick up Shae this coming weekend and I can't wait, however, according to him, he's not ready to come home.  I was a little afraid of that.. he's had a great summer, spoiled rotten, but it's time to come home... like it or not.  I wish he was wanting to come home a little more than he does, but I know he's nervous about the new area and starting a new school.  Who wouldn't be?  Right?
Steve and I had a falling out of sorts.... I don't know what goes through his head.  It's either all or nothing and he comes back and we see him, then he disappears again, we all know the story.... there were some things he said to me that really made me know that anything concerning 'us' were over.  So I'm ok with that, I'm moving on... I'm trying to be friends still, especially for the sake of the boys.  I'm in such a quandry over them.  I feel so guilty they don't get to have a regular dad.... someone that will really step up to the plate and be a dad.  Everyone bails on them.  I know it's not personal but it's hard not to think so sometimes.
So I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now and he's a great guy, I couldn't ask for more.  I realize that being single at this age, everyone is a bit damaged, everyone has 'baggage' and I am no different, but this guy, he knows all of that.  He's known me for 15 years.  He's seen me black and blue, he's seen me with long hair and short hair, he's seen me pregnant with Shae and the twins, he knows what I've been through with their dad and Steve and yet, he's here.  I'm not saying anything is long term by any means, there are no 'rules' per say... we're not defining anything quite yet.  But I really am quite crazy about him and how he is with me and the boys is just amazing.  He's so patient and handles the boys so well when they get all wound up.  He tells me 'I get them... '  and apparently they get him too.  It's nice to see them not yelled at, of course he wouldn't do that and doesn't have those 'rights'  as that would be crossing some unspoken boundaries.  But he's good to us.  Who know's what will happen?  I'm hoping no more train wrecks like before.... I think no matter what he'll always be one of my best friends.   I wish I could have said the same about Steve.
Steve called when we were out and he kinda freaked out when he heard a male voice in the background.  My bad for answering the phone but I also have nothing to hide, as I am not doing anything wrong.  I am single and was out on a date.... but after that Steve kicked into jealous mode and wanted to know where I was all the time and what I was doing and how the boys were.  Which I just chalked up to concern.  He told me he wanted to make things right.... he said people can change and I know that.  But I guess I just didn't realize that in his head, he was coming back and we were going to be a family again, because we 'fit'.... and at one time I believe we did.  He had it all, I was a good wife, I worked my butt off... but he wasn't content.  He wasn't nice or happy.... so he moved on... so now I've moved on.
We had our firery car crash, so to speak, last week.... I can't play games anymore, pretending that things can go back to the way they were, I can't have him calling me drunk and leaving kinda scary voice mails... so I'm done and I told him.  He wished me well, told me good luck with the boys and that we needed to cut all ties.  I was told not to contact his kids, and I'm not sure if he implied his 'family'... but how unfair is that?  The Kelsey's are all the twins know as family besides my mom and dad.... I adore James and Gina, and they're adults, shouldn't they get to choose or should I just back off as to not cause more stress... I'm really torn.  I know it would be easier for Steve if I just cut all ties, I feel like anything I do is inadvertently 'leading him on' and I don't want to do that and I don't want to cause him pain.  But I don't want to give up my 'kids' or my family.... family is more than blood and I've said that a number of times.
I haven't heard from him since , but told him to stop texting me.... he's a married man, who yes has made some mistakes, and doesn't need to be punished for them because I believe he's punished himself.  He said to me 'you never say you miss me anymore' and I haven't, but I really do... but I can't tell him that because that gives him hope for something that just isn't there.
I don't want things to get ugly, but don't I get a chance to move on too?  was I really suppose to sit around and wait for him to come back after he was done with whatever it is he's doing?  He's married to someone else for hell's sake.... I shouldn't be in the picture or an option.  I don't play those kind of games.  I thought we were friends.  I thought we could stay friends but he said we couldn't....
I hate this...