Spring, Sprang, Sprung....

Ugh, really snow again?  I am so done with this winter and the waiting.  I'm ready to get this move over, although I'm not literally ready, I'm ready to get this surgery over with, even though I'm scared spitless... I just want to move on with life.  I want to be able to do things again without the pain... I want to get into shape and train maybe for a 5k, I've never done that before, maybe something more?  I wanna learn how to scuba dive and go on dive trips... I know right, not realistic, but if I don't keep dreaming I won't keep living. 
I've been so down in the dumps lately, I know alot of it has to do with this time of year, especially this time of year last year, it was devastating... but I've survived... not pretty but I did it... now I really want to move out of that 'survive' mind frame and over to the 'live' mind frame.... I want things to be excited about again. 
I had an episode this week where I've just felt sorry for myself, I had nothing to look forward too, getting older and had felt that I've already done everything a young person has to look forward too... I've been married, did the whole wedding thing, had kids... girl, boy, boy and oh boy... did I have kids... and I do love them, nothing I wouldn't or haven't done for them, no battle to big to take on for them.  Had my oldest move out, that kind of sucks actually... wasn't as great as I thought it would be... maybe it's the fact that she still comes over while I'm at work and goes 'shopping' here... but I miss her, I haven't seen her for almost a week... I hate that.  Makes me worried I didn't teach her enough, didn't give her enough life skills and know how... she's got the right mind frame... she's brilliant and ambitious, shes out to make a difference in the world and I want to get to that point as well. 
I want to teach the importance of family to my boys, they don't get it...  they think families are disposable that you use them when they are needed and toss them aside when you don't and I totally get where that comes from, but now to teach them the value of relationships within their family that can last a life time. 
I'm still doing well in school, hanging on in work, but I'm not satisfied... not feeling I'm living to my potential... feeling I need to do something bigger, something more, but I don't know what.
I think right now, while I'm waiting... to move, to get the surgery over and recover, I'm standing on a plateau and thinking, "What now?"  what's next?  I think a large part of that is me.. getting me back to where I want to be, especially physically... where I feel good and feel good about myself... where I can play with the boys and take them on physical outings, fishing, hiking, bike riding and be involved... I think that's been missing... they may not have a dad but they sure can have a better more active and healthy mom.  But I also think my need to accomplish something extends far beyond my kids... what do I have to offer the world?  my community?  What do I have to offer that would make a difference?  there has to be something... something outside of my normal comfort zone, something that inspires me and that would inspire and touch others.... I just haven't pinpointed what that thing is yet... maybe I need to finish my degree first?  maybe it's writing an article or a book?  maybe its teaching or counseling women, men and or children involved in domestic violence?  I don't want to call them 'victims' or 'survivors', as they experienced what they experienced and they've assigned the importance to their experience but I want them to get beyond those labels and start living again, outside of those experiences and meanings....I just don't know how to go about these things... grandiose plans and goals scare me because I'm afraid of failing... but I have lived my whole life being afraid, waiting for the next person to hurt me... waiting for my next relationship to fail epically... and living like that keeps me in a very small world... I know that, and it's so hard to not fall into my knee-jerk reactions to life... to protect and preserve... I won't grow without making myself vulnerable again...
Spring is the renewal season, where everything starts anew... I felt that before.... felt like spring was the beginning of a new life, a new chance... I need to feel that again... not just about the things that happened in the past... they're done... experiences I had and now memories that need to remain memories, and not ones that I use to base current decisions on. 
I have a lot to learn , a lot of practices to master, a lot of mindsets to change, and points of view to embrace.  I have these boys that I want to have fabulous lives and I know I'm a vital part of their outlook on life and if I'm whiner and miserable, that's no good for them... I need them positive and full of creation... I need them to be kids not my caretakers because I'm sad or crying and they want to make me happy.  They do make me happy... even in all their craziness... they're still cute, even though they're not 'baby' cute... they're smart and witty and I want to embrace that and build on it, create possibilities for them to have extraordinary lives with their experiences in life being stepping stones and learning experiences rather than walls and stumbling blocks and things to 'overcome'.
They are who they are... they are not their father... they are themselves... they are beautiful and smart and young.... full of potential.  I want to make a difference for them, take a stand for them and to do that I need to get my butt in gear and do it for myself as well.... take care of myself, find my goals and my happiness... find a way to dismantle my upsets when they happen and not be crippled by them.  I need to remember that I am perfect, whole and complete, just the way I am... I don't need anything to complete me or even compliment me... I need to just change my point of view and see these events in my life as new opportunities for change and growth rather than setbacks and breakdowns. 
I can do this... I need to remind myself, even when things get dark for me, that I am capable... the things i have accomplished are not 'nothing'  they are significant and I should be proud of myself... it took courage and being fearless to do what I've done and to get where I've gotten... my life hasn't been text book... far from perfect but I can say that I've learned a lot... and I am stronger and wiser, perhaps a bit jaded and scared but that can be changed... it doesn't change the fact I've done what I've done and become who I've become... and am still in a state of transformation.
I'm sorry for dragging people into my pity party, enrolling people into my bleak outlook on life instead of into the possibilities I can create.  I'm sorry for being miserable and negative.  That's not who I want to be.  I'm capable of being bigger than that.  I need to ride the roller coaster that is my life, and instead of hanging onto the bar for dear life, I need to raise my arms and ride the waves with enthusiasm, just the way I want my boys too... just the way my daughter does...
I am bigger than the small dark bleak world I've been living in... I'm going to take on these next few weeks with a different point of view... I'm going to be 39 in 2 weeks and I'm going to prepare myself this next year to live full out... I'm going to rock my 40's because I certainly didn't do it in my 20's or 30's... I let life live me... In my 40's I'm old enough and have the knowledge now to know.... I'm the boss... I'm in charge... and I want to live.