So many things happen and yet nothing at all... seems like we keep getting hit with stupid little breakdowns, fortunately nothing significant. Hunter got hunted down by the stay-at-home mom's neighborhood watch, which I am not a part of... for running down a little girl on his bike.... that kid is going to be the death of me. Of course in dealing with much more significant issues in my life, I apologized to the mother profusely (Hunter was hiding) told her Hunter would be dealt with properly and under my breath I muttered her girl outta learn to move.... my bad... but so tired of this petty stuff... I can't think of my parents coming to some kids house that had been bothering me, maybe they would have, maybe not, but I handled most things myself... go figure. I'm seeing a pattern here.
Then for the second times in as many weeks, the West Jordan cops have pulled me over because the van apparently had the registration revoked for lack of insurance, which I've never even had a lapse since taking James off.... but there's some issue with the van being registered to my dad and the insurance in my name... it's never been a problem before.. so last week I faxed in all of my insurance stuff to the DMV special department that deals with that and once again today I got pulled over again for the same thing. Fortunately I had all the information in the van with my fax sheet, my insurance infot etc... jerk still gave me another ticket for the same damn thing..... now I'm a bit paranoid to drive as if I need my only vehicle impounded. Sigh.....
I've been a week on the steroid's for my back, have an appt on Tuesday with the orthopedic.... Shy and Shae have been getting the brunt of my frustrations... Sometimes, I'm just a lousy mom... and most times I'm a terrible dad. I have a hard time just trying to be me and being consistent. I flip flop every day as to what I want. I want this, tomorrow I don't, I want that, a week later I never did.... I lost my life map....
Is it normal to still mourn what never was but could have been?
Is it normal to wish my life was more glamorous than this? more exciting in a good way.... my friends have ex's buy them houses to get them back.... mine are all gone for good.... and the chances of me making anything work again, are probably slim to none. I lose myself too quickly in trying to be a people pleaser, trying to make myself irreplaceable, that I just get taken for granted, those things become expected and I become resentful of all the effort I put in, being that I was raised by the golden rule, I'm hoping that how I treat others will someday pay off... so far no luck. I have 2 ex husbands, an estranged sister, angry children and few friends....
I post-poned the talk with my boss and it's kind of a good thing I did because someone brough to my attention that i do make a difference, that I'm not just a cog, and that the help I wanted to give back to my community and those in need I have been. Services were there when I needed them and the help was life saving... in turn over the last almost 4 years I have probably had 1500 cases cross my desk of individuals and families that I have helped... they don't care about how many cases I process an hour or how many hours I put in a day or how unappreciated I feel... all they care about is that I worked their case, that I helped them in a time of need, and that made a difference for them... I have made a difference in the world... to those people, I may be nameless and faceless and that's ok... I just want to know I've done good in the world, that I've paid back my debt to society and the system that helped me. And I was reminded that I have and do... now I have to shift my point of view and focuse on that... on the customers, not the cases.... I lost that focus and became extremely discouraged by my job....
My class this semester is seeming to be a breeze... interviewing techniques... go figure I do it daily, and do have my past academics in journalism... but my next assignment is a mock interview of questions I would ask President Obama... so not something I want to handle... I handle personal stuff, not political...that was Steve's arena... and now Shy's and even Shae's arena... he did teach them the passion for standing for what you believe in and sticking to it.... something I've only done silently. Anyway, still not looking forward to the assignment.....
I miss my mom... I asked her to let me know if she had any time available to see them, we haven't seen them since before Christmas.... I just wanted to take her pics of the twins... but she's either not feeling well or too busy... I do have a date with her for her birthday and I splurged for the first time in a long time and bought her Reba and George Straight concert tickets... I remember listening to Reba with her over and over after her divorce (I don't remember which one) but she really could relate to the songs and the messages and I just remember how much she loved her I was excited to be able to do this for her... I hope she actually comes....still have a fear she will bail on me. I have the kids covered for babysitting... everything is good to go.... so now its just the waiting...
I miss my Hunter girl... I haven't seen her in so long.... but between my schedule, everyone being sick and the stupid weather, no one gets out much. Gina seems super psyched about starting a new diet on monday... Im super jealous... I need to get my butt in shape... I really hope this all lifts her spirits and self-esteem... I know she's struggled... who doesn't huh?
Well I'd better go swap out the never ending laundry.... it's about time for a new washer and dryer.... thats next years tax refund though... if I'm still living here... which if we don't get kicked out I probably will be... but that's my next big purchase, then after that, the boys should be old enough and shyanne should be gone so they'll have a room and I'll get a new living room set... :) yeah!!!
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