As all things do....

Seems to me that my long term commitments keep getting shorter and shorter and shorter.... and not by any choice of my own necessarily.  So as everything else in my life has, another chapter is closing, maybe it's for the best?  Hard to say... wasn't my choice, but I'm finding in my life things often aren't my choice, I just deal with the consequences.  Guess that is was keeps me being a 'victim' instead of a champion... I let life run me instead of me running my life.  I really don't see thats working out so great for me. I mean look, here I am... closer to 40 than I ever wanted to be and where am I?  I'm looking at back surgery, having no place to live, changing the boys schools again, having to tell my daughter I can't afford for her to live with me anymore because I won't be able to find a new apartment I can afford with enough bedrooms... I know I'm fighting this but, this is NOT what I dreamed of when I was a little girl.  This is not what I wanted. I want to lay down and kick and scream and throw a tantrum until someone makes this all right.... but there's no one to listen and no one can.  This is just life.  My life.  My life consists of moving at least once a year, I've moved 5 times in the last 4... it consists of my kids going to more schools than I had too... not having childhood friends, like I always wished I had been able to have.
My life is me... working, trying to go to school, failing at parenting, having 3 very busy, very opinionated and passionate sons who might as well be aliens to me at this point. My life is finally letting my daughter go... being afraid for her and hoping I taught her enough and hoping she didn't learn all of the things from me I'm afraid she did. 
I'm feeling a little lost, a little upside down, a lot lonely... I'm sad, Im angry... I want to lay blame, but what's the point?  It doesn't change anything.  It doesn't make me feel better.  So I sit here in this emptiness not knowing what is next... not knowing which way to go... not knowing if I'm capable of creating a new life again.. I'm worn out.  I've worn everyone out.  I feel like a disappointment and a failure.  Sure there are single moms out there succeeding all the time, I just don't happen to be one of them... its not for me.  I can't do it, yet who will?  do I have a choice?  Not really... my kids are my kids and they're all I have and I'm all they have.  If I'm not there for them, no one is, well maybe the state... they seem to be interested in unsupervised children that misbehave while their mother is working to pay the rent... but I hear the State doesn't make a great parent. 
I think Im out of tears this go-around... missed work today... I've let my boss down, my job is suffering, I've been making stupid mistakes and my accuracy hasn't been what it should be, so I'm sure a write up is in the immediate future.  They know about the chronic pain and my back and the surgery, but it's irrelevant... no excuse to not bring in the numbers I need to be bringing in.  It's all about statistics not people... not clients or cases... it's all about the stats to present to the legislature and the feds... but I need my job, I need the insurance... at least until I get my back taken care of and then I'll go from there.... but between my back and my job and now moving.... it's a good thing I hadn't made any final reservations on my 'vacation' because that will now be when I should be having my surgery and I should be moving somewhere the week before that... here's to pipe dreams....
I just need to be healthy and whole and present... no more pain, no more pain killers, just me and an ok me... alone.. maybe... with my 3 boys... Shyanne found a place to stay already... she'll be fine... she will basically be nannying.... staying in the same complex with another deaf couple... so she'll still get the pool and hot tub for the summer which will be good for her... she's scared though. 
Me too...