Well if you do you're one up on me..... I hope Shyanne is at school, but I never know with that kid... I do know Shae is at school because I took him there, the twins took off on their bikes while I was getting ready to take Shae to school, I have an idea of where they are, but not positive. I imagine this is the freedom they are use too with their older siblings. I'm pretty sure they are at the 'condors' by their school playing with their friend that lives there... They always come home... I have yet to lose them and I've tried...
So I may have jumped the gun on my vacation, I've kept a flicker alive still.... I think if anyone knew how bad I needed this and they loved me they'd be lining up to help watch the kids and make sure I got the hell out of here... So I'm going to stop being a drama queen... I was quite the drama queen yesterday. I was very enthralled with my niece's (my kids cousin's) pregnancy, she just found out she's having twins... She's 24 and not married and has a 5 yr old boy. Now, while she is still with her boyfriend and hes being supportive I have to remember that her situation is not the situation I had.... but the panic and anxiety I felt when I found out I was having twins all came back... and I was married, with two incomes and a house... and I still freaked out. I just know I'll hunt this kid down if he bails on her... there is nothing harder in the world than taking care of twins by yourself. And once again I have to remember, she is not me, she has her mom and sisters and alot of family support that I didn't get long term. So I'm trying to be happy for her, but I'm so scared for her too... She is having a boy and a girl... I made her promise the kids would have their own names, no daddy's middle name no Jr's no the II's.... they each get their own names. She agreed to that.... She's such a good girl, and such a loving mom... that's just a lot of responsibility for 24 yrs old...
So that started my soap opera yesterday and it just went on from there gaining momentum....
I did have a few ah-ha moments though... I love it when I have insight to things I hadn't seen before... like one of the predictable, totally predictable fractures in my last marriage. I was committed to being married, to being married to not only him, but his kids and his family and that's what I did... that's what I do and how I am. However, it just dawned on me, that he did not have the same commitment. He was committed to us being a 'couple' but not a family. A constant phrase at our home was 'I don't have to be here, I'm here to be with your mom'... well right there, I should have known we were doomed to fail. The kids and I are a package deal. You're committed to the family or your not... you can't just dip your toes... you have to get down and dirty and do it willingly... or how are the kids going to respect you, when they know you're not invested in them? Why should they care? It all makes sense.... So that's just where it's at, especially with the twins.... if anything ever happens ever again.... they're part of the deal, I"ll never see a penny of child support from their bio dad so that's a non-issue.... if anyone wants me, they get them too... no negotiating... just seems to be how it should be... why should I compromise what I want for myself and my kids? I shouldn't and I had... won't happen again. Still and always grateful for the family I inherited I love them all to death, wouldn't trade them for anything... but I want the boys to have a family that is always always theirs, a dad that is always always theirs and that is just as committed to them as to me.
Anyway, its time to play Cinderella... cleaning cleaning and cleaning.... but not waiting for the prince and the glass slippers, more like the mice and pumpkin.... but thats ok... thats my life....
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