Now if my niece ever sees this I hope she doesn't take it to heart, being that shes almost 6 months pregnant with boy/girl twins... I'm sure her babies will be angels... just like mine, when they were born. Unfortunately mine mutated... They're not bad kids or necessarily naughty but so so so busy and in their busyness things fall causality.... lots of things.... I'm not sure if it's deliberate or just lack of awareness of the world around them, or constant lack of parental supervision. But I'm one person... out numbered 4 to 1, work full time, school full time and additional self-improvement activities.... I feel, no I am, parenting by remote... it's like trying to drive cattle from across town via remote control, just not working. But what are my options? I'm not going to find someone who's going to allow me to be a stay-at-home-mom.... who's going to want to provide for a family, where the kids are not biologically not theirs... not many, maybe a few a very few.... but none that I can find.
I just got my laptop replaced after a month or so of not having one because the boys were playing football in the house and spilled a drink on my laptop, cleaned it up, but neglected to tell me about it, so when I went to use it and it didn't work the finger pointing started flying.... of course and nothing out of the usual... Hunter did it, Gavyn did it, Shae wasn't watching, Shyanne was asleep... the story of my life as everything I own falls causality to my children. Nothing is safe, especially when I'm not home to deal with it or supervise. I feel like I could have such a better handle on things if I was here more, if I worked normal hours or had some familial support... but that's not my life... this is my life. Talk about being a single mom... not something I would have chosen voluntarily... especially not with boys. I don't think I grasped how busy boys were... well not times two.... maybe wouldn't have been so bad if there was one at a time? hard to say... Shae was a really good kid, he was my hip-attachment and did everything mom did and when he wasn't with me, he was out digging holes in the yard (which at the time wasn't a big deal as we lived on an unlandscaped lot) Shyanne wasn't nearly as busy, she was inquisitive but she also started school full time at 3 yrs old... that kept her involved, intellectually stimulated and busy. But the twins... boy and oh boy.... I had an idea of what I was in for but not nearly to the extent that I'm in... I knew I would be doing it alone... that was just a feeling I had from the time the ultra-sound tech said both heart beats looked great and one of them wasn't mine.... I cried for weeks... I think mostly because I was overwhelmed at the thought of going from 2 kids, which were managable to 4 kids...where I was out numbered. I had no idea of what awaited me on the marriage front or the hell I would drag these guys through. Probably hard enough to just have them in a normal household with a normal environment, but dragging them here and there and not being able to provide them with any foundation other than myself... well I think that's added to the intensity of their 'busyness'.
And while I wouldn't give one of them back (permanently) I wonder why me? Dumb I know... it is already in existence and has been for 7 years now. You think I'd be use to the fact by now... but as each year goes by I find it not getting easier, just a different kind of hard. So much maintenance required... so much I feel I'm not able to give them... they need sports, I can't do it, not with my schedule and finances... they need supervision, they've been kicked out of every daycare from the Capitol to West Jordan, and now they've one upped it and got it so the apt complex will not renew our lease, oh joy... they need a consistent parent, not one that's falling apart every other day and body part by part.... there has got to be a way that everyone will survive this... not survive, I don't want us to just merely survive, I want to live... I want to enjoy their childhood instead of wishing it away... I want to take them places and have fun with them... it's my last go-around with kids of my own. No more looking forward to new babies, this is it... now to make the best of it... There has to be a way to juggle all of this... they need a mom that is whole and complete just the way she is... not always parenting out of guilt for having to work and guilt for them not having a father figure... we are complete just as we are, even when Shyanne moves out, and Shae goes to Kentucky for the summer, we're still a complete family just the 3 to 5 of us...
I don't know why I have such a hang up on this... I think I'm just fighting the fact that things didn't turn out the way I expected or wanted them too and I'm angry about that. This is not the life I dreamed about having as a little girl. I'm almost resentful, even toward myself... like I should have known this would happen... and if I had known it was going to happen I wouldn't have brought children into this.. I really wouldn't have, if I knew... but they're here for a reason... maybe its just to test my sanity? maybe it's to cure cancer? or solve world peace? or just make a better hamburger... who knows?
All I can hope is that I do right by them... and give them what they need or enough material to keep them in therapy for years as adults.
So in a little more than a month, we're looking at moving, in about 6 weeks we're looking at back surgery to take care of this once and for all... it's been a rough winter and rough keeping up with everything being in constant pain. I don't like the thought of living on pain killers which is what I've been doing to simply keep going. I don't have time to slow down... but I can totally see how people get addicted to pain killers being in chronic pain, the dr's hand out the pain killers like candy to me now... and while it's helping me function and keep my job... boy it's sure not worth the headaches it causes both literally and physically... that's one thing I don't have to worry about is being a pain pill addict... they give me really bad headaches... so it's a backache or headache, I get to chose which I'd rather deal with but it's always one.
I'm trying to simplify... get my life in order, make things less complicated, get rid of un-needed stress and things I can't do anything about. I need to give up being angry about things I cannot change and change the things I can. I need to not lose hope but learn to live with the way things are and the situation I have. There are certain facts, that as much as I resist and don't want to deal with them I have too... and resisting them is causing me more stress than just dealing with them for what they are, and they are nothing more than a situation that exists, they are not a crisis, or meltdown, they are just situations that I need to navigate through. I get hopeless sometimes, and apologize if I always come across that way. I am trying to shift my perspective. I need to come from a view point of possibilities for the future and not where I'm stuck in the present or where I failed in the past. We are where we are... life is what it is and we're perfect whole and complete just the way we are, there's nothing to fix... only things to change, room to grow and experiences yet to be had.
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