Here I go again....

No, I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In the songs of yesterday
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again.....

Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again....
I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on loves sweet charity
And I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days
cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Who knew in 1987, that I would be living out this song?  In 1987 I was 15... my parents were still married, I was still in high school.  I didn't have my drivers license yet.... went to church dances and school dances still... hadn't even been kissed...I still had braces!  Who knew then that I'd be here now?  that was the same year that Michael Jackson's song Bad came out and Alone by Heart... it seems like an eternity ago....
This is not how I planned things... obviously...not how I wanted my life to be.  Not what I pictured my future to be like. I hope my kids understand that.  I didn't plan on their dad being a felon and going away for 14+ years (which turns out to be a blessing in the long run), I didn't plan on marrying someone that would abuse me for 13 years, I didn't plan on staying that long... I didn't plan on being a single mom, homeless, jobless with 4 other mouths to feed... I didn't plan on getting a job that was so involved I never see my kids anymore, I didn't plan on my second husband leaving me for some grade school crush that won't leave me alone still, I didn't plan on the twins, I didn't plan on the kids raising themselves.... I didn't plan on having to move again because the kids got into too much trouble.... I didn't plan on my back going bad... I didn't plan any of this... seems life is happening to me instead of me living it... it's all backwards... and I'm really really not complaining, I'm just trying to define things in my life, what's not working and fix it, well there's a lot to fix....
I'm tired of telling the kids I'm doing the best I can... it feels like a cop out now.  Shae tells me that I'm just bad luck... that I've never had good luck so not to count on any, any time soon.  He tells me that when I say "I did the best I could" is just an excuse for making stupid or bad decisions.  Yes I realize he's a teenager... yes he is an angry teenager.  Who wouldn't be?  and I have made stupid/bad decisions, many.... but I blindly and naively believed I was making the right choices.  I saw futures and stability... or maybe I just thought I did, or I just wanted to really really bad.  Who wants to fail?  Who looks at someone and says "I think you'll break my heart, destroy my family and leave me in two years for some bimbo... lets get married?!?"  Who does that?  apparently I do... me and my blinders or rose colored glasses...
and despite EVERYTHING..... I have amazing kids.... sure they're busy and a bit unruly.... its hard to listen to all of them at the same time and they create ALOT of laundry.... but they are the smartest people I know... they're the funniest people I know.... and I love them more than anyone in this world and there isn't anything I wouldn't do or go through for them.  They love me... even if they don't say so... I know they do... I know they're hurt and longing for things we just don't have and things I just can't be or just can't provide them. 
In my dreams... we all have a home, we have a loving dad and supportive and caring husband... we have a yard and a dog and a garden... we have time to go fishing and play Frisbee in the yard... we have home cooked meals and bbq's.  I have a cat again.... the boys have a swing set and we have a tire pump for flat tires and someone that knows how to fix them, we'd go to church together and come home and have a roast and potatoes for Sunday dinner and movies with popcorn.  We have warm summer nights and snugly snowy winter days... but we don't.... but that doesn't mean I don't want those things and that I didn't want those things for my kids.  Just didn't catch any breaks in life... at least in that department.  In the kid department... I lucked out and have beautiful, intelligent, witty, sensitive, tough, loving kids.... who hopefully will have everything they want in life and have their futures happen on their terms... instead of flailing like a fish out of water for the last 20 years like I have... just reacting instead of acting....
So we're moving again... technically we're not going to "have a place" until July-ish.... being that I'm having back surgery on May 2nd and will be out of commission for about a month.  My friend has graciously taken us in for May and June so I can get through my surgery and find a suitable apartment in a decent area for the kids without the pressure of the deadline and surgery over my head... its workable but not ideal... Shyanne will be moving out on her own so-to-speak.... that's so strange for me to think of her living somewhere else... of course I've been waiting 18+ years for her to move out and now I don't want her too... I'm having a bit of anxiety about it... but what do you do?  I still have the boys... and will for a long time.... sigh..... well I'd better get back to work...