Really?

I often find myself in way over my head, this is nothing new for me... I fall off the deep end often.  But today, a little more so than usual... or maybe I didn't fall, maybe I was pushed.  I have a lot of things spinning in my head and no one to really talk to about any of them, no one that doesn't have alterior motives, no one I would trust to be completely objective and no one I would want to offend or hurt especially...
Shyanne decided to throw her hat in the Miss Deaf Utah Pageant, and she's a prime candidate, this I know for certain... but at the same time it scares me, my resources are so limited... my nerves so weak at best.  I'm a bit panicked as to the responsibility of it all.  I know it's 'her' thing but I want to be supportive, I want to be helpful... but how does one in my position have the resources for dresses and props and does she have a talent per se, I mean she's extremely talented but what do you do for a competition.  She doesn't know how to do her make-up or hair really, she's never cared... always the tomboy, which until now has been no big deal.  Her in a gown and heels?  oh boy...
My job is really grating on me physically... I really can't stand sitting 11+ hours a day, I physically can't do it, it's driving me nuts and killing my back, it's inhumane actually.   I have had a request in for my work station to be adjusted for nearly a month now and while it's been approved nothing has yet to be done. Its really frustrating and I'm nearing the point of looking for another job, which is nuts in this economy considering my rate of pay and benefits.  I'd be insane to leave it.
Had an epiphany today and while enlightening, I didn't like it.  I have some heavy issues on my heart and I am so completely lost.  The longer I'm involved with someone the more I realize it's never going to work, nor is it even going that direction for that matter... it just is... and I don't know that I'm necessarily content with that, but on the other hand my feelings about everything are so guarded and reserved I'm not surprised.  Really, who's going to put up with my broken heart and spirit... who cares enough besides me to make sure that I am healed and whole?  Everyone is always looking out for number one, they look out for their wants, their goals and their dreams.... I've looked after everyone elses's first and then my own, well when everyone else is gone, I realize I don't have any.... I'm simply surviving, the oxy-moronic statement of they decade, as none of us 'survive' life... no one gets out alive do they?  I don't know why I can't just live instead of struggling so hard to survive.  What do I want?  how do I feel about things?  what future can I create that inspires and enlivens me?  I don't know.  The things I wanted in life, well, they just don't seem possible anymore... and if they were, I don't know that I would trust them and just ruin any possibility of them ever being recreated. 
Right now I'm really fighting back the tears, which I absolutely HATE, being that I'm still at work and have make-up on...  I don't want to be all doom and gloom thinking I'm going to be alone forever, because I'm not alone now and I know people that have been alone a lot longer than I have that are fine and prefer it that way.  See that's the thing... alone, no one yells at my kids but me... no one makes me feel guilty for the things they do or say but me, no one gets all butt hurt when they're just being kids and stupid.... no one but me... I don't have to be responsible for anyone's feelings but my own and I don't have to micromanage the kids, walking on eggshells to make sure they don't do or say something wrong, which they are destined to do, they are kids after all.... but I'm hyper-sensitive about them... hyper-protective as well.... I don't want anyone saying anything bad about them, its not anyones place too... their my kids, I've put in the blood sweat and tears and if anyone has the right to say anything its me...so do I really want to deal with that all over again, I mean I have 11 years of legal parenting left and a lifetime of voluntary parenting to go.... who really is invested in my life and my children enough to go through that with me, as a partner not a freaking diva that is bothered by this or offended by that....  they are kids and boys to boot... letting someone back in would require me to be vulnerable again and to take the bubble off of them as well and I don't know if I can.  They have been through so much already, so many moves, so much chaos... no stability by any of the men that have been in their lives, not even Grandparents have been there consistently.... 
I feel like we're a little pack of nomads that really don't belong anywhere or to anyone... no one really cares where we are as long as we're not bothering anyone and don't need anything.  I could move out of state, keep my cell phone and no one would be the wiser, that's how much family is involved in our lives... that's how much people check on us, call us or visit.... see, and now I'm just on a pity trip...
I just don't know... the things I want and my apparent behaviors just don't mesh... my actions are not consistent with my goals... and what are my goals?  I don't know, I think I know more about what they aren't.  I don't want to lose myself again.  I don't want to be someones hand maiden, I deserve more than to wait on selfish people that don't give back.  I'm tired of patting people on the back for what should be a normal expectation in a relationship.  Showing up... ya so, that's part of the commitment... wow me... I want to be wowed.  I want someone to love and dote on me as much as I do them.  I want them to genuinely love my kids... imperfections and all, for what they are and what they aren't.... without blame or judgement, with positive role-modeling and positive reinforcement, looking out for the kids best interest instead of their own. 
I know... I'm being totally unrealistic... I know that is something that a father should have done or been there for... but that isn't an option... never was. 
And what about me?  I want to matter, I want to be loved... not just loved but cherished for the good person I am, for the good heart I have.  I'm tired of being wrong for doing something nice because someone doesn't want to be indebted to me... why can't they just be appreciative?  who says I don't like flowers or being taken out on a date?  who's put forth the effort... in the past I had too, if I wanted to go out, I had to plan it, I had to arrange the kids and I usually had to pay for it too....
I want to be worth a diamond because I am... I've made do and accepted what was for a long time and I've put in my hours, I've proven myself over and over and I feel like I deserve that unconditional love I've always offered... I don't want to be anyone's back up plan, safety net or option... I want to be their priority, their "I can't live without", I want to be the one they call 'my sweetheart' ..... I listen to people I know and I hear them talk like that about their partners and my heart just aches for what they have... I've had a taste of it, but it was fleeting and brief.... too brief, over before it was over... maybe its just not in my cards.... maybe I need to learn and accept my place in life and stop this stupid daydreaming.  I should just buckle down and raise the kids, finish up my school and work and do that the best I can.  Right now it's all I have....