Ummm ya..........

So while my weekends lately seem relatively short and unproductive, they linger.... and while it's still not summer, its not necessarily a good thing.  In the summer lingering weekends are good... more sun, more pool, more warm.... now I feel like a hermit, I hide in my room, I hate it.  It's like this winter, I checked out.  I checked out from everything... checked out from my family, my friends, my life... being a mom, I'm skating by...
Am I in a funk?  am I just adjusting to my life?  am I creating anything new?  what do I want out of life?  what does life want out of me?  What the hell am I doing?  Sometimes I miss my old life.  I miss the certainty I had back then.  I knew my job, I knew what I wanted and I worked hard... and now, I don't see the point, so much work for what?  Nothing has ever panned out. 
All I thought I wanted I had... and lost... and not by choice, not even by stupidity, it's just life... my life... it is what it is... and it's not what its not...
I need to complete things in my past.  Things I cannot change, things that were merely events that I gave meaning too, even significance where there shouldn't have been any.  I let those things define me... and they don't, they shouldn't and never should have.  They had nothing to do with who I am or was.  They are just things that happened.
Sometimes I think, because my life has turned out this way, that I was meant to be alone, I was born to support and assist people to the next phase of their lives which never involves me.  I love people, they leave, or chose other things over me and my children.  It's taking me some time not to take that personally.  But I know it's not personal.  I find nice people, that treat me well and I feel like I don't deserve it.  I don't know how to handle it.
I find myself the mother of  a nearly adult daughter, and 3 boys... I tell myself I don't know what I'm doing and truly I don't.  But who does?  I dis-empower myself by telling myself that... I limit my parenting abilities by acting like half of a whole...I am not half of a whole.  I'm a whole person all by myself, I'm a whole parent, all by myself and we're a whole family just as we are, the 5 of us, with all our imperfections, and compulsions and insanity.  People can take us or leave us, and unfortunately most chose the latter... but oh well.  Their loss right?  Great things take great work...
Sometimes I'm so lost and other times I know right where I am... and neither make any sense...