Blizzards and Dreams....

So since last year I've been planning my 'dream' vacation.... figured since I wasn't going to be handed it, I needed to get out and make it happen, and hopefully... fingers crossed it may be coming to fruition in May.  I can't wait.  First I was thinking Cancun, but so many people go to Cancun, and if I was going to get a passport (which I did) I wanted the first place I went to be off the beaten path, somewhere not everyone goes.... so I  a took some advice from a friend and took peek at St Lucia... now nothing is set in stone, yet but this is where I'm planning on being the first week of may, minus 4 kids.... and could be set in stone in the next few weeks.  If not here, somewhere else fab, but this is my goal for today.

Right now, this, is getting me through, the days, the hours, the mere minutes of my day. So many things going on, so many things going wrong... so many things to think about and decide... so much responsibility.  I can't deal with the back pain much more without going completely bonkers and I'm getting no where with Dr's I don't need pain pills I need it fixed... pain pills give me headaches, and God knows I have enough headaches. I spent last night in the ER because of my back going out, I drove myself, they gave me a shot of morphine, that made me soooo sick and then told me I couldn't leave until I had a ride... well that posed kind of a big problem for me as I have no family around the area, at least no one I would bother.  No friends I would bother in the middle of the night, I have awesome co-workers but no one I would bother in the middle of the night on a work night.... fortunately Shy had a friend that was awake that brought her to the hospital so they'd let me go... I drove she supervised, at least to the pharmacy.... by then I wanted to die, and that was proven by letting her drive me home....
All in all it was kind of a bad weekend, that topped off by speeding ticket 500 ft from the apt entrance.  I was late for work today obviously being doped up at 1 am it doesn't wear off by 6.... but I did go into work, I did finish my school assignments and I did go get the kids some groceries.  I made some important decisions regarding the older kids that I"ll inform them of later.... and then when all the meds wore off I was sick again.  I just can't live like this, so I had a big long talk with my dad and than another with my mom.... long over due... I miss them.  I miss having a family.  I don't like feeling alone and I needed them and I decided it was ok that I needed them, it wasn't a sign of weakness but a sign of love. 
I have to work early in the morning again, as always.... I have kids that need to go to the dr... Grandparents day that they told me about yesterday.... we need to go to the dentist and catch up our laundry... my work is never done... I've failed in so many ways, and I"m at the point, and maybe it's the continued pain killers, that things just are how they are.  Shyanne is who she is regardless of anything else and the same with Shae.... and the twins (who still hug me when I come home.... I miss that) 
I get so hung up on being 'independent' that I"ll sit in an er for 2 hrs because I don't want to bother anyone... I could have walked home in the amount of time... My quest for independence is going to leave me with just that... my independence and nothing else... I"m fortunate to have friends that love me, that tolerate my psychosis, my kids and my wierd ways of being.... and they stick around, they think I"m worth it and they've never left my side even though in my 'independence' I often leave theirs.
I'm hitting a difficult time of year for me... it's been a year since Steve told me about him wanting to leave and for whom.... its been a year since my attempted od., its nearly been a year since he left and we had to move from our home.... and what do I have to show for it? not much... a few dreams and hopes maybe that I didn't have before... Maybe St Lucia?  maybe a few more good friends that have faith in me?  maybe a new relationship with my parents?  Maybe a new relationship with Steve, on a more mature level?  I don't know.  I have a summer of possibly only having two children at home... that may give the the time I need to pull my home back together and put myself back in charge of my life instead of the kids in charge of me... We'll see I suppose.... but if I don't create something than I get nothing..... so I'd better start creating.... dreaming.... realizing possibilities.
I"m tired and have to get up again in 5ish hours.... I need to work on that too... sleep...
I know I"m not writing this for anyone to even read, but it helps me figure things from the mess in my head.  It makes more sense in black and white, it makes it real... these are things I can do, even on the days I cry and say I can't.... and the days I don't want too... if others believe in me I have to believe in myself...
I can honestly say all of this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through alone... and I've been through alot.  Now to just make it worth something, to make it mean something, to have it help someone....
But for now, St Lucia is my goal..... that's where I want to take my break from my crazy world... breathe clean air and see the ocean... I've never been on a real vacation... Never been to disney land, or disney world.... Hawaii... a cruise... it's almost impossible at least where I work to find someone that hasn't been anywhere..... I don't want to be that person anymore.... I have passport, hear me roar!