Finally February....

So January is finally over, and of course we're in a cold spell... brrrrr.............  but spring isn't far off.  I started spring cleaning... then had to stop... too much on the old back, there.  So after weeks of horrible pain, I'm finally going to get an MRI tomorrow. Guess we'll see if it's all in my head or actually in my back.
I'm finally done with birthdays until August!!!! Got the twins through their birthday, it wasn't pretty but we made it.  Hopefully down the road they'll have some worth remembering and ones like these will easily be forgotten...  I always wish I could have been able to spoil the twins like I was able to with the older children, but maybe that's for the best.  Who knows what's down the road?  Maybe they'll get their spoiling down the road? Maybe not at all...
So, I"m still plugging along in school and plugging along at work... kids haven't killed each other yet, Shyannes almost done with her first semester, Shae is half way through 7th grade... it's getting hard to keep up with everyone and keep up with my own stuff.   My class is a lot more involved than my other ones have been and I totally love the class i wish I just had more time to actually focus on it.
I'm doing alot better about being alone lately, realizing I have alot more freedom than I've ever had or ever given myself before.  I can do whatever when ever ... it's actually kind of cool... I can see why once people get the hang of being single it takes them a good long while to reconsider taking that long walk off a short pier again... I suppose for me, and my kids and parents, that's probably the best thing anyway.  Get school finished, get my kids raised... go out have fun, don't get to serious, live my life on my terms and by my rules... no one telling me how to raise my kids, whether I'm doing it right or wrong, but of course, with that comes the pain of having to deal with fears and inadequacies by myself... no one to share the burden with... no one to be mad at that really cares.  Don't get me wrong, I still get angry... even over happy things... I had two men, promise me and these kids they'd be here through thick and thin, good and bad, and when these kids are amazing, I have no one to be proud with me... when they're tyrants I have no one to be frustrated with me and when they belch and fart... I have no one here to blame that should be bearing that blame... It sucks feeling like none of us were important enough to anyone to play by the rules, to keep their word.... its been really hard to teach the twins the value of a man keeping his word.  I'm trying to teach them the concept of 'do what you say you're going to do, when you say you're going to do it'  unfortunately they don't see me as much of an example as they did others... I hope James gets that... I felt really good about being able to keep a promise I had made to him, when in all actuality I never thought I was going to be able too after Steve left... I thought I was toast and so was everything I had promised the kids.  But I did it, it took me a little longer than I would have liked but I did it and I was able to let him know that not all people break their word and that promises are your word and you are only as good as your word. I think he gets that... now if my boys would... they're still young... I hope there's still enough time.
But right now, alone in my room, kids asleep, I'm ok sitting here with me... it's been a long time since I was ok with that.... I'm quite comfortable in my own company... I'm not all bad.... most just a poor judge of character is all...
Well I ought to get to my reading... won't be able to get much of it done tomorrow since I had to switch phone shifts so i can get off early to go get the MRI...  I'm kinda tired, haven't been sleeping well lately, I'm hoping that once I get this back thing figured out, that the gym will help my insomnia... sometimes I think I just dont want to sleep.... I want my me time... my no running errands or cleaning to breaking up fights... it's quite and i like it... I like my life.  I'm not always thrilled with it and I do get lonely, but considering all... its not that bad...
I'm just glad that January is finally over!  and I don't have to worry about Valentines or Feb birthdays... yeah!!!  And its getting closer to going to Mexico!!! have to get my back fixed and hit the gym hard! fast!