On the downhill.....

Finally on the downhill side of January... I don't know why but January usually sucks rocks! It's dreary the air quality sucks, for the first time in my parental life I have to do classroom birthday stuff, times 2.... guess that makes up for Shyanne and Shae having birthdays during school breaks.  I never had to do the goodie bags or cakes and crap... who's birthday is it anyway, all those kids should be bring the twins stuff not the other way around... especially if I have to do it for two classes at a time!  Really, 48 kids! it's not fair... so as long as I gripe about that I forget how screwed up life is and their birthdays and I don't get nostalgic or teary that they deserve so much more than they got... maybe they don't know it, maybe they do to some extent, but honestly, I can't even have a 'family' party because we have no one to invite except Shyanne and Shae and they don't like Shae and Shyanne only on occasion.... hell, me only on occasion....
They should be able to have friend parties and I should be able to take them and some friends to Chuck E Cheeses... (barf! I know) I remember Shyanne's 7th birthday, we had her whole dad's side of the family, my dad flew in and like 30 of us went bowling, Shyanne was on the top of the world... she even got a bowling pin souvenir that had her name on it and #7.  Shae's birthday's were always big deals because they were just in time to catch after Christmas sales and new year's family parties.... but the twins... kind of always have gotten the shaft... I think their first birthday was the best... or most memorable... I think I have pictures of it somewhere... I don't know where anything is anymore, if its not ruined or thrown away...

So tomorrow marks 7 years those twerps have been on this earth... 7 years I've allowed them to live, and 7 years they've kept me alive and going.... I wouldn't trade them for the world, even though they drive me crazy and I wanna shake their heads off sometimes.... I wouldn't trade either of them for anything.  The day I had them was one of the scariest days of my entire life, because I knew, more than when I had Shyanne or Shae, that life would never ever be the same...

I was scared of the responsibility of having them, hell scared doesn't even begin to describe it, I was terrified of that responsibility; so even though I was ready for them to be out, I was rethinking the whole selective reduction thing, or adoption.. (not really) But hell, I knew I was going to do it alone, I just didn't know how alone.  I knew it would be hard, but I never imagined this hard.... I knew I would cry, but I didn't realize the rivers.... I knew I would love them but nothing could ever measure how much...

My kids are my life... they are more important than my life, they're the future... my job here is to turn them into productive contributing human beings.... that is my job, and you can't tell me otherwise... I know that they were sent to me to raise and I have the privledge of doing so.  They are going to be amazing people... they're so smart and beautiful, absolutely brilliant and so strong.... and when I'm old and alone, maybe they'll come visit me... maybe they'll thank me, but even if they don't, I'll know I did the best I could with what I had, given the circumstance.

So even if they spend years in therapy and are completely screwed up... I know and I hope they'll know, that I loved them, that I wanted the best for them and I tried... I didn't always succeed and I screwed up an awful lot, but I've always loved them.