It's really not as scary as you might think.... I've actually had a lot on my mind lately and very few people to talk too. I suppose if I want to go into the line of work I want to go into, I ought to get use to that, it'll be what I get paid for :)
Speaking of that, class started today on Counseling Theories and it's so cool, I can't wait to go home and actually read what I'm going to school for... actual application. Anyway, seems like a long time since I've been that excited about something... as silly as it seems to be excited about a class. I really am. Math, um not so much but this absolutely!
So I've found myself thinking alot this weekend about alot of different things... somethings I think I'm finally coming to terms with. I think I'm finally accepting where I am in life and just being there. Getting use to it, trying it on for size instead of avoiding it. Sitting with it, making a map of it and knowing I'm gonna be ok alone. There's nothing wrong with alone... it's not wrong to be alone, it's not right either. It just is and that's where I'm at.
I'm noticing when I'm in a bad place, everything is in a bad place... the kids, my friends, my outlook, hell even my house... but when I'm in a good place, or even just a better than bad, place... things run smoother, I'm not so dramatic, I'm a lot smarter without the chaos.... and more productive.
I start to think about 'settling down' and boy it just doesn't feel right... I think I'm suppose to be where I am right now... just being me... creating me.... that doesn't mean I can't go out and have a good time, but I'm not obligated to anyone or anything. I have the right and the ability to change my mind. But people know that, so if I say I need to go home, or my kids need this or they say they need something that seems unreasonable, they play the guilt card, whether or not they know they're manipulating me that way, I don't know but it works and I hate it! I don't do so well with the guilt trips, that is one of my Achilles heels.... that and my kids bring me to my knees.... and lately I've been wondering why I do that ? Why am I so sensitive about my kids and feeling guilt? and how do people know? How do they know that works on me?
Why do I assume that guilt whether or not it's mine. I think the guilt is somehow tied to failure... I set such high expectations for myself, even unknowingly, that when someone, anyone!, expresses anything but appreciation, acknowledgement, or gratitude, I'm devastated... I can't be wrong and if I am wrong, I'm so dramatically wrong.... it's not like a learning experience, it's like I've failed life, I've failed relationships, I failed cooking if they don't like what I made, I failed shopping if someone found something better or cheaper... it's ridiculous how hard I am on myself which of course trickles down to my expectation of the kids.
I don't let people help me, I don't like people judging me or my work... I have a huge complex about that. I want to be perfect I want others to think I'm perfect and I KNOW I'm not... I'm human just like all of the other human beings on the earth... no different, no better, no worse. I judge myself and my kids for other people to avoid the pain of hearing it from them. I realized this weekend how afraid I am to take my kids anywhere or introduce them to anyone, afraid of being judged a bad parent because they are unruly or may say something off the cuff....
I found an old old boyfriend online via other connections and wow... just successful, looks happy, a boat load of kids, active in their religion, and it just... wow... I'm so happy for them... I wonder how things would have been if I had followed the path that had been laid out for me... but I didn't, and wouldn't , so... here I am... it's not a jealousy thing, I think I am in such awe of people that stuck to their guns and followed their paths... guys who are still around raising their kids and loving them... it blows my mind. My dad left me, my husbands left me... my kids dad left them, their step-dad left them... I think I hid us away so no one else can leave us... so we don't trust and don't feel comfortable and don't put our guard down because, who knows what could set someone off and it's all over... How could I do that to my kids again. The only thing I know is that I'm not leaving them... that's the only thing I can promise them, is that I will never voluntarily leave them. Sure way to make sure that no relationship ever works out it to try and live two separate lives at the same time.... Only I get to bitch about the kids, if someone else does it, the walls goes up!!!! Only I am allowed that because I've been there with them since their birth... I can be sarcastic and I can define my relationship with my kids because I'm the only one that has ALWAYS been there for them. Not even their grandparents can say that.... we've been written off so many times..... So what am I fighting?
I so want them to have a dad... but their dad blew it... and their step-dad blew it..... so now what? Do I spend the next 12 yrs alone raising my boys Dr Laura style.... or what? I'm going to screw up whatever kind of relationship i find myself in because of this dilemma. I don't want them hurt anymore, I don't want hurt anymore. I don't want them thinking that all men leave their marriages and or their kids, that's not natural or normal... when it probably is, but I don't want my boys doing that to anyone, I'll string them up!
I sit here.... alot... and I just think about things.... lots of things.... and lots of people. Successful people, success not measured in money but in family and love and life.... and the thing is... I have alot of those kinds of people in my life. So many of my guy friends are 'those'kinds of dads, the kind that want to be with their kids, that would do anything for their kids and have.... the dad's that hurt when their kids hurt and still call their children 'their babies' when we all know they're not babies anymore.... Now I wonder... when I see all of these dads... these people I knew and still know.... who are extraordinary fathers.... now how come I couldn't find me one of them? what is it with me being attracted to things that won't ever work... things I need to fix. If there's nothing to fix I don't feel needed... and that's such a messed up way of thinking.
I want a relationship that doesn't need me to constantly be fixing things or changing things, that's good just the way it is and can always be better but is allowed bad days too....
I want someone who loves my kids as much as I do, and deep down, I know that will never happen. It's not in my cards and I think I'm ok with that. I have good, smart, beautiful children and I'm proud to be their mother, even though its the hardest job I've ever had and I don't think I've ever cried more tears in my life than I have for them. I know I'm not going to find a dad for them... I tried finding someone who loved me and the kids were part of the package but that didn't work out so well.....
I am so totally rambling now.... anyway, just saying, to those of you out there taking care of your own... loving your kids, raising your kids, protecting your daughters and your sons.... I want my boys to turn out like you... and it's gonna take a miracle and a strong mom to get them there..... Guess that's why I'm riding solo...
And don't get me wrong, this isn't a pity trip, I'm miles away from tears... it's just a realization of what is....
I know those kids inside and out... I know what makes them tick... I know what hurts them even when they think they have to be all tough.... I know what makes them cry for no reason at all.... I feel like I've earned the right to be angry with them and I'm the only one that should be allowed to yell at them, but then I'm too big of a wuss to do it... I'm working on it... we're getting the hang of it. We're not use to running as an autonomous machine and so we're still working on a few things.... cogs adjusting here and there... not perfect, yes I complain... it's part of who I am... I think sometimes I just want someone to say, you're doing a great job, and not only that.... I want to believe them!
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