I think during this holiday season I've had some time to think about a lot of different things. Of course, with it being the end of the year, I did a lot of reflecting and that brought up a lot of raw emotions and then I realized it was also the end of a decade... wow... that really hit me hard. In the last ten years, my 8 yr old turned 18, my 3 yr old turned 13, my twins were born nearly 7 years ago... my first marriage ended 5 years ago this year and my second ended exactly 2 1/2 years to the date from the day we got married... I've seen my grandbaby born, and learned what being a grandma was... I've watched my kids graduate, I worked at a construction company, had my own home on an acre lot, I got to be a stay at home mom for a short period of time, I went back to work when I left my first husband and started the string of bad daycare experiences for the twins... I went from working in the state finance department to the department of workforce services, I've gone back to college and helped get my daughter into college... I've dealt with infidelity, abuse, affairs and illegitimate kids, court dates, parole hearings and hours of counseling appointments... Highs and lows of parenting, being a wife, being a sister and a daughter, none of which I have been terribly successful at... but ten years is a long time... I've had everything and lost everything in ten years, and I've had nothing and gained everything in ten years. I've lost my mind and gained angels. I lost my hope and faith and my kids found theirs... so much and so little....
As I was reflecting on the last ten years I realized why, and maybe I'm being pessimistic (but for those of you that know me know that it totally in my character) but with that being said.... I've come to a conclusion, or perhaps it is only a hypothesis, that; By the time you hit you're late 30's or 40's, you've already had your whirlwind romance, you've already been madly in love with someone who was most definitely your prince, princess, angel, cupcake, honey, hero.... and all of those other pet names people in love call each other.
By then we've dreamed our dreams, we've attempted to build our foundation, we've done everything we thought was right 'by the book'. We've bought our first home, had our first or 6th kid... Planned imaginary vacations and some of us have actually gone on some (not me...just sayin) We've gone to sleep at nights with dreams of growing old with the person next to us, traveling, visiting our children and playing with our grandchildren. We've planned our future holidays and where our kids are going to go for what holidays if they're married, and made sure there is room for them if they aren't. We've found jobs, established careers, even gone back to school to change careers... and then, during all of this reality and all of these dreams in progress, everything crashes down.... everything goes black... hopeless. Instead of looking at a new beginning we can't see anything through the darkness of our tears.
Maybe we saw it coming and chose to deny it or maybe we really didn't see it at all. But regardless, the damage is done. The endless dreams and enduring love come to a screeching halt. You wake up, scared, hopeless and alone. Now what? and then you realize you're not the only one, I'd dare say the majority of people I know are in this solitude with me, funny how you can all be so alone together. Ironic.
But at this point, everyone is damaged, everyone's heart is broken, everyone's spirit is more hesitant to dream, everyone's emotions are as fragile as cracked crystal... how can anyone build a new relationship with all of that? No one trusts... everyone is afraid of being hurt or alone. So we end up isolating ourselves, making sure we are alone and that no one else can hurt us... so we hurt ourselves in our selfish solitude.
We second guess everything anyone has ever done or ever said, questioning it's authenticity... we question our own authenticity. We taint memories we have by wondering what or who our 'significant other' was thinking about or where they would have rather been than with us... or we feel guilty ourselves, thinking about someone or something else.
We try to find solace in our rationalizations, we find it in a bottle, in excuses that no one else can love another's child like their own, or that you have too many kids to even be considered for any sort of relationship and you're stupid for even thinking you were in the game, or you even get a twisted sense of satisfaction in the misery and misfortune of others as a form of karma... justice for your misery...
All the while, we are falling into the crowd of envious people that watch, longlingly, the older couple walking through the store hand-in-hand... or the teenagers with their reckless abandon and public displays of affections and long to have those days back or those possibilities again... but no, instead we go back to drowning or sorrows in work, pity, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, in alcohol, in everyone else's life so we don't have to look at our own.
We do everything in our power to NOT have to look at ourselves in the mirror... we throw ourselves into the world and let them devour us so that we don't have to do it ourselves, never knowing how much self-loathing we need to take in the shower with us, we let the world decide. We give everything we have, so when someone asks something of us, we can honestly say, "I have nothing left to give, not even to myself..." and it's true. We find parasitic friends and relationships to compensate that insatiable need to be needed or better yet wanted.... We want to be missed, we want someone to say "come back" we want someone to say, "you're beautiful" or "don't go ...." but they don't. They say "I need... ", "I want... ", " you need to do this or you need to do that.... ", and while all of those phrases show a need or a want from someone, this is NOT what we're looking for, it's not fulfilling and meaningful... there is no reciprocity... there's no love or passion in that, it's the parasitic co-dependent need to be helpful and contributing and all while being taken advantage of or just used in general because we allow ourselves to be.
If only we could really start fresh... unscathed.... but silly me, nothing in this world is unscathed... being born scars you in one way or another... unscathed is an illusion. But regardless of our situation, and time 'healing all wounds', the scars remain, they will always be there that is just a fact... Now whether or not other people see them is irrelevant, they are bright neon signs in your mirror reminding you daily that they still exist.
The trick is ignoring them... pretending they're not there... or better yet using them to your advantage or getting rid of them all together... is that possible? optical illusions? can we tell ourselves those scars mean nothing? that they bring nothing to our future? Can we convince ourselves that these battle wounds don't prove to anyone, who is the strongest warrior or who can endure the most? who really cares anyway?
Rarely, others are in tune enough to see those flashing neon signs we carry with us and are sympathetic to our cause, but most of the time they're too wrapped up in the nurturing and feeding of their own neon signs... trying to attract sympathizers with the bright lights like moths....
There are so many neon signs/scars in my life I'd dare compare myself to Vegas... as least a section of it... but put me with others in my boat we could beat Vegas hands down, our lights would so shine! *sigh.....*
I've heard that to know love you have to know pain, you know, the whole 'opposition in all things'. We'll I've known pain of all sorts and I'm not sure I'd recognize love unless it slapped me in the face, it is surely a sad irony...since that is all I've ever wanted in my life. The one thing that feels so elusive....
Love is far more frightening to me than anything or anyone I've ever been afraid of in my life. I now live my life in this bubble where the events of my life run on replay endlessly.... I punish myself for all of the bad decisions I've made, I punish myself for others failures. I could have done this... or I should have done that.... I didn't pay enough attention... I didn't love enough, I didn't give enough.... When in reality, I logically know that is all bullshit.
I did give enough, I gave everything... except what they wanted... I know no one is really looking for a step- ford wife... they don't need the perfectly behaved children, they don't need dinner on the table at 6 p.m., ok well some of them do... but I put such high expectations on myself to be this wonder woman, super wife... that I never was just real. I would do everything, hoping for a pay-off... walking on eggshells, hoping one day..... but one day never came...
And when 'that day' came it was me that took the blame, all of it... they did what they did because of me, because I wasn't worth being faithful too, or I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough to not be hit or left... I didn't have well behaved children because I'm a poor disciplinarian, I have unruley kids... I found a way to blame myself for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life, in my relationships, even with my parents, my sister and my children.... I somehow a long time ago, decided that I was responsible for all of their happiness and unhappiness, which is not true... I know that... but releasing myself from that responsibility has become quite challenging and I often find myself in an internal battle with myself... catching myself in knee-jerk reactions of assuming responsibility or feeling guilty for things I shouldn't.... as long as I keep up that way of being I will never be free to be happy... I won't ever be free to love, if I don't give myself the freedom from everyone elses's woes.... I'm doomed to continue living like the martyr I've made myself.
This simply is not acceptable and is a total waste of time and energy... honestly do I think so highly of myself that other's blame their misfortune, their bad dreams, their poor choices, their bad days, their car problems etc on me? I doubt I even cross their mind. Well maybe a few, but for those few, I wasn't responsible for their actions but I held them responsible for theirs, which they made me 'wrong' for doing.... but for that I do not feel guilt, only redemption... and justice. But for the rest... really, I'm just human, I'm not super woman... I have no magical powers or super bullet deflecting bracelets... I'm just me, I make mistakes, I don't know what I'm doing , I didn't read the mom manual, I fake my way through life... just like the rest of the world.
I don't know if I'll ever have butterflies again... and if I do, will I trust them, will I recognize them or will I deny them the freedom to fly? Will my future relationships always be tainted with fears of my past experiences? One would think you learn from your mistakes and move on, at least that's what we're told to do. Fresh page, new book, sharpened pencil.... is there a way to write a completely new story? Is there really away to have a happily ever after?
Everyone is so broken and beaten... no one trusts anyone anymore, no one is willing to give too much of themselves anymore, in fear of losing themselves again. Everyone is jaded and cautious... How can you have cautious butterflies? And I know its not all about the butterflies... but they should still be an option shouldn't they? I miss new love, not having to compete with ghosts and ex's and love gone wrong... I can't beat any of that...
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