Lucky 13

Lucky for Shae that is... he made it to that magical and frightening age where he is no longer to be considered a child, at least physically.  This has always been a time of reflection for me, maybe because it's his birthday, maybe because it's the next to the last day of the year.  Either way, it's a day of melancholy for me.
Birthday's certainly weren't what they use to be, especially for him.  Being the first son,the first grandson, the first boy to carry on the 'VanZyverden' name, which use to actually mean something to someone.
My handsome, intelligent, witty, sweet angel boy is growing up and as much as I love the fact he's getting older and more independent, I miss him being my little buddy that went everywhere with me.  The little boy that asked a million questions a day and never took because God made it that way as an answer. 
He was by far my easiest pregnancy... easiest delivery and the only baby I got to take home with me when I went home from the hospital, that's his claim to fame with his siblings.  He was beautiful, strong and such a healthy baby.
As I watch him grow, I've watched him struggle intensely... and as every mother in the world would, I would have taken his trials and pains a million times over rather than have him go through them.  He's been through some pretty tough realities.  But regardless, underneath that that tough obnoxious teenager shell of his, there lies a heart of gold, of compassion and caring much like that of his mothers but with the stubborn manly tenacity of his father. 
There are so many things he's had to go without, so many things he's had to make do with, and all in all he complains very little about those things.  His main complaints are about his little brothers but from what I hear, that's normal...
I love this boy with my heart and soul... we are so much alike, him and I.... we think alike.  We connect where a lot of kids and parents don't... now don't get me wrong, he's not 'expetional' in that relationship area, but pretty darn close.  I really do understand him, even when he thinks I don't.  I know his real dad loves him even though he made the decisions he made that took him away from his son.  Shae won't fully understand that until he's older, hopefully by then some of the anger will have subsided....
I see great things for this amazing boy... he is loved by so many... I hope he sees how valuable he is to himself, his family and the world and doesn't get lost in the self-loathing and self-pity that most teens find themselves in.
I love you Shae, more than words could ever say, and the days you think I push you too hard or expect too much, are only times I know you are better than the decisions you are making or the situations you are putting yourself in.  I'm proud of the man you're turning into, despite the lack of a good example. You're handsome and strong, physically as well as intellectually and spiritually...
Thanks for letting me be your mom, it's not always been easy but it's always been worth it.  I love you Bug, and as long as I live I can call you that.... yes I did give you life and yes I can still take it away so don't take 'bug' away from me!
You're a funny lovable kid... don't go all emo on me... its not your style...you have the potential to be a great brother, uncle, grandson and nephew and you are already an amazing son. I'll love you as long as I live and then some.  You'll always be my golden boy, baby Hercules...
So I suppose it's time to say good-bye to your childhood and welcome you into your teenage years... Hold your breath, close your eyes, and keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times... it may get bumpy but I have you for 5 maybe 6 more years, and that's gonna fly by... don't grow up too fast... appreciate the things around you, take time to appreciate others, give to others the gift you've been blessed with... love often, smile often and hug your momma daily!  Pretty soon you'll be too 'grown up' for that stuff...
If I could only express how much you mean to me... you'd understand why I do what I do... someday you'll have a child and you're heart will be walking around outside you're body and you'll understand where I'm coming from.
Happy Birthday boy... I couldn't ask for a better son... I'm glad I didn't drop you on your head to hard ;)