I am really really trying to maintain a level, if not upbeat attitude toward the holidays this year. It's not working. I'm really struggling, the closer it gets the gloomier I feel and the heavier things seem.
I plan and plan and something always comes up that screws up the plans... So this year my kids are getting warmth for Christmas since my paycheck is all going toward an old gas bill that wasn't even in my name... sigh... if it wasn't that it would be something else. I keep trying to remind myself of the things I should be and am grateful for but it just isn't doing the trick. I'm grateful to have my kids, a job and a roof over our head.... the rest is just fluff...
The calls from the principals and teachers stress me out... I can't help but think of how much I lost this year. I feel like I'm mourning all over again... and I really thought I was so over all of that.
I am not trying to feel sorry for myself but I do feel sorry for my kids... they really are good kids, I know they are frustrated, unsupervised, and often hungry, but what do you do? I work as much as I can, I'm going to school, I'm trying to better myself and my well-being in order to be whole enough to be a mom and dad for these guys... and it's just been a roller coaster and I can ride and ride and ride, but I want to get off right now... I'm tired of the ride... amusement parks can only be so much fun before you get sick...
I hate feeling and sounding so damn gloomy... it's really bothering me. I try to give myself goals and things to shoot for in the future but they all just become pipe dreams... I feel like I should be living in Detroit or Chicago, working a day job and at a diner or something at night and school in between while the kids are raised on the street... seems silly but I'm seriously getting to the point that I'm not making it the way it is... I don't know how I can physically do more but I'm going to have too. Something has to change... something big. I'm not wanting or expecting to be rescued, in fact I want to know I can do this on my own, but why does doing it on your own, mean doing it alone?
Doesn't a girl need a hug once in awhile without someone thinking that's 'enabling'? Can't people call and see if I'm ok and when I say yes, can't they know I'm really not? Can't I have a friend that doesn't want to suck the life out of me and leave me with the shell I'm becoming? I continue to give as if I was a whole person, as if I was a married whole person, and I'm not. I'm not whole, I'm not complete, and I'm not perfect. I'm not a good mom, I'm adequate... I do the minimal amount to keep the kids fed, safe, and sheltered, they're barely in clothes, I feel like such a failure. Hunter is stealing food... I know what food we have at home, is not nutritionally substantial enough for growing boys, I'm not home to cook and my big kids just won't step up to the plate. I'm trying to come up with solutions to these problems and create new possibilities but I don't know what those possibilities should or could be? I don't know what to do to make sure the boys eat breakfast and take a bath... I thought having Shyanne home would help, but the boys get themselves up ready (in whatever they feel like wearing that day, ugh!) and get to school on time... I'm grateful for that, they're smart boys... they're good boys... I'm just not enough, not like this...
The people I do know, I don't want to unload on, and some I can't for fear of judgement... I'm not perfect but still want to look like I have it all together when the truth is I don't, I don't have anything together. I miss my family... I miss my childhood traditions.... I miss what Christmas use to be, I miss how I use to be, when I use to care if we made homemade cookies for Santa and baked goodies and decorated, but I don't care... I honestly don't care and I feel like the twins have been so robbed of the mom I was with the older kids... the Christmas's we use to have...
That's always going to mess me up, 'what should have been' picture I have in my head and this stupid little voice in my head telling me how I screwed up, how this isn't acceptable, how I'm not enough and the kids deserve a family and traditions and I should care and do them even though I don't feel like it... because that's what mom's do, it's what my grandma's did, it's what my mom did and it's what I should do.... and I can't...
I don't even want too...
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