I'm finding myself with little to no time to do the things I'd like to do and too much time doing the things I have to do and all the time to do the things I don't want to do.... Funny how life works that way.
I just finished another 'series' on dvd, wasn't all that great but it's about all I have since I gave the kids the cable box. I should be focusing on my homework, housework and whatever other work I need to be doing. I just get so lost inside my head sometimes. Seems I have so many things to work on, so many things to better and refine and I feel like I stand here and spin in circles.
I have come to terms with alot of things this year, that I've let my past experiences influence my future happiness. I've let bad memories rob my children of making good memories and family traditions. I've unraveled the victim shadow that's been sewn to me for so long, much as peter pan lost his shadow, I've lost mine, and this one I don't want back...
I don't have alot of people around me that I can share these particular achievements or developments with. There is still a rift with my mother and I don't know if this something she could even understand or accept as 'victimhood' was a part of our identity, it wasn't something that happened to us, it's who we were. So many people get so locked into their story that they believe that their story is reality. When all reality is, is that whatever happened, happened.... it didn't make me who I am nor did it take away who I am, it was simply an event completely septerated from my interpertation of what I precieved that happening to be. They are completely seperate entitites and that took me some extensive studying and understanding to wrap my head around it. I was a victim of my childhood, of my parents, of my sister, of society, of God, of my first husband, of my child's handicap, of my kids, of my second husband, of my job and lack of career choice as well as my choice of employment. I allowed myself to remain this eternal vicitm and was so set on being that vicitim that I've wasted and ruined so many things in my life. I so wish I would have had this wisdom earlier and am so grateful to my friend that saw past my story, saw past the soap opera and decided he saw an extraordinary person in me... and that I was capable of happiness and power in my home... things I never would have seen for myself. I am truely blessed to have found such a friend.
I'm fortunate to still have a friend in my ex-husband, when possible, he's really a person I can still relate too and that can relate to me. There always has been and always will be a connection between us, something that transcends time and distance. I think we both just want each other to be happy. I'm not looking to sabotage anything, I'm not out to 'bring him home' although I don't think anyone would complain if he did come home, of his own free will...
I remind myself everyday, I can do this, I'm alone and I'm ok with that. I keep saying all throughout the day, I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok...... the kids are ok and they're just kids being normal things... they're loud and they argue and back talk, but from talking to other moms and guys, this stuff is all 'normal' whatever 'normal' is...
its nice to at least have others view points and validation that we're ok, boys are boys... I know so little about boys being boys. I have great guy friends that offer their opinions and advice and comfort... just too bad they're all in toxic relationships with their ex's but they are all such good dads that onlyl want to be with their kids and only get to do the 'every other weekend ' thing. I should be grateful I don't have to deal with that but it would be so nice to have a break like that without feeling like I was putting someone out or paying through the nose. Having Shy watch them costs me so much.
I look at people, a lot, well watch them... I think I notice more around me than ever before, maybe it's becaue I'm looking at all the thing that others have and i don't. People, just in general, are in relationships.... I know relationships aren't easy to say the least, but people have them all the time, I see people together and I get lonely. I need to learn to be ok alone but it's not what I want.
Everyone my age is broken, tossed aside, it's like shopping at a thrift store at this point. I'm hoping that someone's trash will be my treasure someday. But having my kids makes things a bit more difficult because people my age are either done raising kids or not interested in raising someone elses's kids full time. It's ok. I'm ok being a mom. It's what I do. I just need to get over this need to be in a relationship. It's just hard with the holidays and the weather... makes me miss alot of things.
I'm hoping with the end of this roller coaster year that not only things will settle down, but that I will. I know things are always going to change.... guess this time around there won't be much that takes me by surprise. I don't have much more to lose. I'm down to the bare minimum. Anything I had that was for me, is gone... I have my kids, a job and a roof over my head. I need to know that, that is bette than a lot, it's better than being with the wrong person and that there is nothing more important that the kids. I just wished they had a better life. I wished they had a dad... I hope they know I tried...
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