So now with Thanksgiving officially behind us, one thing I am truly grateful for, begins the 'Christmas Season' . Now, I purposely avoided family Thanksgiving issues as this was a rather hard year and the last thing I wanted to be reminded of was everything I had last year that I didn't have this year. I missed my table and my kitchen, and baking two turkeys and a bazillion pounds of mashed potatoes. I missed my family... I loved it when everyone would just come over and hang out, chit-chat, watch foot ball and eat... even though pulling the whole thing off always stressed me out, I was in my element doing that. This is the first year I haven't hosted Thanksgiving, in ages. So I decided to throw it out the window this year and not worry about it.
I recently re-introduced the twins to their bio-dad's side of the family, one of those weights that was holding me back strapped to my past. Well the re-introduction led to a Thanksgiving dinner invitation for the kids and myself to go down to Delta, where their Grandpa's sister still runs the family cafe.... a place we use to go a lot when I was married to their dad. The boys were thrilled to go, Shyanne went with her Aunt Sirrye, she doesn't like going places where no one communicates with her or even tries to include her in conversations. I can imagine how boring that gets to be for her. So the boys left Thursday morning for Delta and Shy left around noon... I had the whole apartment to myself... it was very surreal and went by rather quickly.
I kept waiting for the noises the boys make and there was only silence.... I waited for someone to mess up the living room, but it stayed in order. No one tattled, no one kicked or banged on my door, no one climbed through my window.... I was completely alone. No phone calls, no text... it was as if everyone had disappeared, or I had... either way I think I'd feel the same way.
Some times that alone time is good and allows for thoughts to be processed, puzzle pieces put into place without the chaos of the world in your head.... sometimes that alone time is calming and healing. Sometimes it's damaging, it causes anxiety and fear.... it makes you really feel alone, not just in your room in your apartment, but in your world.
I reflected on so many Thanksgivings , the good the bad and the ugly and I can't help but think about how ripped off my kids are. Not that they are in need of material things, but memories, family traditions, a firm foundation with roots.... I've not provided any of that All I can say is I tried. I did the best I could.
Yes I need to pull out of this woe-is-me mood and deal with my life right now in this moment, not for the future and not because of the past, but just for here and now, for my kids and myself. I keep mourning what could have been and what should have been and what isn't, and I can't keep living life like that. The expectations I have put upon myself are unrealistic and I know that, but for some reason it doesn't stop the compulsion I have to think and act that way. If it can't be perfect I don't want to do it, that's a silly way to be....
I think about putting up the tree this year and I don't want too... I don't want to pull out the Christmas ornaments and see the ones that I bought with my first husband, the ones I bought with my second, the ones the kids have made me over the years and ones from my childhood.... I want my first Christmas with Steve back.... we didn't do much but it was a very spiritual Christmas, where we did focus on the meaning of the season and taught the kids... I don't know that I have that faith in me anymore.
Life has led me down so many roads, all roads I have chosen, I get that. They were neither right or wrong they just were. The situations and events in my life, make for interesting stories and sound down right ridiculous coming out of my mouth, like this can't possibly be real. This is tv stuff, real people don't go through this kind of stuff, day after day, year after year. People laugh, and i know they aren't laughing at me but sometimes it does feel like a cruel joke. People like my dad say, you don't do things the hard way, you do them the hard hard way.... and then friends and even strangers agree, it makes me feel like a circus freak... like when is it time for my life to settle down and be normal? I know, for a fact that there are people out there alot worse off than I am, I do have to pat myself on the back for not completely losing my mind through all of this. I am grateful for that, that I have a strong mind and even thankful I have a tender forgiving heart.. even though it usually doesn't serve in my best interest.
I'm going to have to pull out the Grinch costume soon or I'm going to have to jump in over my head and do this Christmas and do it up right... The twins deserve to have some of the me I was 15 years ago when I couldn't wait to put up the tree and decorations and bake cookies for the neighbors... I use to do so many things and I loved it, every minute of it. Seems that through all of my trials and heartbreaks, I've lost that 'magic' that made things special... maybe I quit believing in miracles or love or maybe I even lost hope and faith. I don't know... all I know is when a dog gets kicked too much you only have to look at them mean for them to cower. Life just has to look at me mean now and I cower... its pathetic... I don't want to cower I want to live and I want to live a full and happy life, single or not, but always with my kids.... I have to do this for them and eventually I'll be doing it for myself again as well.... its just the alone part... no one to share the Christmas secrets with, no one to shop for, no one to bug about what my present is... no one to hold my hand when we go see the Christmas lights... How did I end up here?
I don't think I ever put this on my Christmas list.... but than who am I to know whats right for me, I haven't don't so well this far... maybe I just need to hand over the reins to a more experienced driver....
Happy Holidays, I do love you all!
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