With the conclusion of Halloween, which by the way lasted wayyyyy to long, I feel like the 2010 year is finally winding down. All I can say is 'Thank Goodness'. Its been a rough one.
I just started my math class, finished my composition class, the one I tanked earlier this year. Our offices just moved downtown last week, the bldg is really nice and there are lots of windows but I have a little anxiety about being so far from the kids.
Reality is setting in with Shyanne leaving, I still haven't figured that out without resorting to pulling them out of their school and moving them to another. Shy has a new puppy, Lily (I'm still not convinced she's a girl) she's a border collie, golden retriever mix, which are suppose to make excellent service dogs. So as soon as we can get her shots and get her fixed we can put her in the training for that, so she can alert Shy to things like doors and horns and eventually babies... which makes me a little more comfortable about her moving out, I worry about silly things sometimes.
All of the boys are growing like weeds, I can't keep food in the house ever, but I hear with boys this is normal and with 3 I'm surprised they haven't knocked off a grocery store yet. I recently let Shae hang out with his Uncle Corstiaan, his dad's older brother, I'm still not convinced I did the right thing, but Shae was being really mean and aggressive and I didn't know where else to turn. I think Shae just wants to be loved, just wants to belong, just wants to be someone's boy... I know what he's going through unfortunately. It's a painful thing. I just wanted to be my dad's girl, didn't matter how much my mom was there for me, didn't matter how much she did or that she never left, I still wanted my dad to be proud of me, I still wanted his approval and attention, still do... I'm getting old enough now though, and have been a parent long enough to realize that no matter what mistakes I make, he loves me anyway and doesn't have to be right here to do it.
I have so much going on and yet nothing at all.... Everyday is chaotic, but plans for nothing. I need to be better about that. I was a totaly slacker on Halloween. I don't know what we're going to do for Thanksgiving, I haven't decided yet, but I know there are alot of us orphans out here and I can do something at my apt and invite some of my friends. The only problem I have with that is that I'm sure Shae will say or do something mean, rude or embarassing.... and second, I don't have a kitchen table yet.... I need to do that someday.
I miss my big table, the holidays are going to be hard this year. Really this will be my first holiday season completely alone, the first year after I left the kids dad, my dad flew us out to Kentucky and the next I was with Steve... sigh....
Tomorrow would have been our 3rd anniversary. I bet he won't even remember.
I've been going out, met some really nice guys, but I just don't feel anything, guess it's not time too and that's just fine, I am having a good time, going out, meeting people, having new experiences. Deciding this time what I want out of life, not just what I get or settling. I'm still going to counseling, learning things about myself everyday. Learning that I tend to have parasitic relationships, not just personal ones but friends and work ones as well... very draining and unhealthy for me. I need to find healthy people that aren't so needy, that bring something to the table, and in return I need to not lay all my cards on the table right off the bat because then expectations are made that I can't always live up too. This tends to be true for my kids as well.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting and seeing so many similar patterns and traits in all of my relationships. In wanting acceptance and approval no matter the personal sacrifice. I just can't keep it up anymore, it's too taxing. I'm losing too much of myself, in this process, with no one putting anything back in, just taking and taking.... I don't know if I attract these kinds of people or if I'm drawn to them.
I'd better get to work, it's a monday, and as always we're crazy busy and I've slept maybe 4 hrs tops.... a good night but not the best. I need a bed for the boys before I lose my mind....
No comments:
Post a Comment