So I got to work this morning before 6 a.m. The boys woke up at 4 and I just gave up that fight without even trying. Its just easier some days to be at work even though the guilt of not being there really bothers me. I really haven't minded the morning shift being that I can get up and dressed without having to get the boys ready, I've been a bit spoiled that way having Shyanne home. I guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
Yesterday ended up being a pretty hard day for me, left me blue and lonely... I don't know that many people understand, guess it really doesn't matter one way or another, it's not like anyone talks to me anymore. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this is what it is... I'm alone, raising the boys is so hard, I have good friends but nothing in the way of anything substantial. I have a decent job and am still going to school, but I want to change jobs and not go to school but I don't want to start paying back student loans.
They say that the happy people are the people that aren't looking for 'happiness' but the people that are happy with what they have. I wish I could be content being alone and raising the kids. I cry for the boys daily. I'm a lousy mom and dad... I just want to be a mom. I wanna be like my grandma was, back when men were good for their word and provided for their family and valued hard work and a good woman. I tried to be that woman...
I know I'm not to blame for the kids' fathers actions. He chose what he chose. I just wish he hadn't. I see people all the time that have significant others that have been there for years, decades and work through things and stick things out. I see people that aren't terribly physically attractive yet they're on the arm of someone that loves them. I see people that will drive across the country to be with each other. Why can't I have that? What is wrong with me that I don't deserve to be loved? why does everything have strings attached? Why do these good guys swoon and remain so love-lorn over women that have used and abused them and not appreciated the good guys that they are... why couldn't I find someone like that? Someone that wouldn't hurt me and wouldn't leave me? I guess I'm just having a pity party... I'm just wanting to be someones priority not a back up plan or optional, when the mood hits. I want someone I can talk too and someone that cares about what I have to say and how I feel about things and wants to just be with me. I know I'm not being terribly patient but I just feel like I'm expecting too much, but if I lower my expectations I'll get what I've always got... and I'm so done with that.
Anyway, I have my monsters at home, the 3 boys, I promise, will be the death of me. Sometimes I think that'd be easier than raising them. I'm gone so much at work and the big kids don't watch the twins that well, so I'm just waiting for DCFS to show up at my door for neglect. I'm doing everything I know how to do but it's just not enough. Shae treats me like crap, he speaks down to me like he's superior and gives me ultimatums... the twins follow suit... They need a positive role model, but the only guys that are out there are the ones that have ulterior motives and I don't think the boys are ready for another 'step-dad' that is just there for purely selfish reasons. I just want to do right by them.... and I know I'm not.
Shyanne went to her college orientation yesterday, it's becoming more and more real that she's leaving.... and it's really starting to scare me. How can I protect her if she leaves? I couldn't protect her in her own home with her own father, how can I take care of her when she's not there?
(sigh.... )
I guess that is all for now, better get back to work so I don't get in trouble.... I'm tired and the coffee isn't helping, time to move on to the harder stuff like the rock star and 5-hr energy drink so I can have the shakes all day.... yeah!
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