Thought it was time to re-enter society, or whatever this is called. I don't want family and friends to completely forget about us and besides facebook this is the only way I seem to be able to let everyone know whats going on.... and I'm not even very good at that.
This year has been a rather tough one, as many already know, there's been good, there's been bad and then there's just been....
I can't believe October is already winding down, with a chill in the air and the sounds of children cooped up all weekend because of the rain. It's likely to be a long winter.
This time of year always seems to be hard for me. It's snuggle weather... it's the time of year for family traditions, and the crafting that I use to have the desire and ambition to do. So many things have changed so fast in not very many years that I don't even know what to do anymore, or that I want to do anything at all... I feel bad, I wish I hadn't lost that desire to decorate for the holidays and plan parties and family get togethers. I feel like with the two divorces, I lost all interest in trying to make memories at all and that all the holidays end up being is a reminder of what my kids and I don't have rather than what we do have, and I know that is so wrong.
I don't quite know what to do anymore. I don't know if I want too... I don't feel like I'm being the mom I should be or the mom that the kids deserve. I use to have it all together. I use to care. I use to make cookies and decorate them with the kids. We use to have huge pumpkin carving party nights, watch scary movies and then the grand finale of lighting up the pumkins and turning off all the lights in the house to just watch the candles flicker through the carved faces.
I know I should be so grateful for what I have, what I am and how far I've come and deep down maybe I am. But then there is that underlying guilt I have for being in those situations to begin with. It's like jumping in a pool, knowing I don't know how to swim, and then congradulating myself for not drowning. It makes no sense. I know Im hard on myself. I know I don't cut myself much slack. But it just seems like enough is never enough and I can't do enough good enough, fast enough or long enough for anyone to be happy.
Being single does have it's advantages, but not as many as one would hope for, having 4 kids. Its true I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells if they act up or do something wrong. But it's overwhelming to be Mom and Dad, good cop and bad cop and still be the Mom I always wanted to be able to be... I'm learning that my childhood dreams were unrealistic, and that's a sad realization when you can watch other's having what you can only dream of.
I spend alot of time sitting on my porch, people watching, thinking... wishing... wondering.... hoping.....
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