Ends and Beginnings

It's been awhile since I even had the desire to blog, but I'm full, ready to explode with conversation, words, ideas, occasions....
It seems like the summer has come and gone like a heat wave.... It was hot then it was gone. We got off to a bumpy start but started to settle down and get in somewhat of a routine, so to speak... I went to work, the big kids hung out at home, mostly at the pool and with friends, they both had quite a few mini-vacations. I'm super jealous!
The twins would oscillate back and forth between staying home and getting to play and hang out at the pool, and going to the sitters, which was like pulling teeth. I was late for work most of the summer trying to get the boys to the sitters, she doesn't even open until I'm suppose to already be at work and having road construction between her house and my work didn't help any. Fortunately I have a wonderful boss who has been a single mother for a long time and is very patient and understanding. She's all about trying to help me help myself make my life less complicated.
I'm all about keeping things simple but I just can't seem to do it.... there's too much going on to keep it simple, I'm usually going 15 different directions all at the same time. Emotionally I'm in a tail spin, I'm happy, I'm busy, I'm sad and lonely, I'm disappointed, I'm free. I feel guilty, I feel pressured and inadequate, I feel needed and neglected at the same time. I can't seem to keep on top of things, I'm always forgetting something or double booking appointments or scheduling 3 and 4 appointments in one day because it's my only day off. My budget hasn't got a penny to spare, no extra driving, we can splurge once and awhile on pizza but other than that, it's rent and bills. No school clothes this year, at least not yet. Just glad that I don't have to get Shy anything for school this year (yet). I'm kind of scared to have her leave because she's been my rock!
So many things ended this year, mostly bittersweet.... my baby graduating was the high point. Kindergarten ended, Middle school for Shae is starting and first grade for the twins, first year all day school (yeah)
I did take a semester off of school, I needed to get things settled down, needed some of the pressure off of myself. I needed to get my thoughts straightened out and figure out which direction I was heading. I'm still not there, but I am better than I was.
I miss what was, or maybe I miss what I thought could be... I'm overwhelmed but know I can do it. I'm struggling on discipline and the issues that the boys have, sometimes their needs are more than I can handle. I've given the older two more freedoms simply because if they were at friends houses, they'd eat there and have a place to sleep. We're still struggling on sleeping arrangements and I seem to be doing most of the sacrificing with the twins sharing my room and Shae and Shy getting a room of their own. I think I need to change that, however that involves Shyanne moving and I'm still not ready even though I want her to spread her wings and fly, I'm terrified that she will.. I suppose that's normal.
I talk to Steve often, and while I will always love him and have a place for him in my heart, the heartache is over, there's a void of indifference that took the place of the pain. I worry, I fret, I still get in trouble for talking to him, I think I've chalked it up to being my own mistress in some odd backwards way, like being your own grandpa, you know.... guess that's about right. We are still married but he has to sneak to talk to me and gets lectured about the phone bill and the calls to me. It's silly really.
But this is the life he wants, i think, but none-the-less it's his life and I chose not to agree with it but to respect his opinion and decision. I did file for divorce and it is in the process, it shouldn't be much longer before it's final. He struggled with the divorce,telling me it makes him sad. I don't know why? I don't know what he thought was going to happen? He left but didn't want a divorce? But then, I'm upset about him getting remarried, so whats that about? Im my opinion it just seems so 'not right'. I don't want to say wrong because it's not my life. But, the family, his kids, the grandbaby.... I don't understand the thinking, I can't wrap my head around it, but it's not for me to understand. I guess in someways I wanted this to work out, and I know it wasn't. That's what makes it sad, there was so much potential. But this is now a door closed, and there are other doors opening for me and the kids.
I know I can do this, I know it's going to take a lot of self-discipline financially, alot of coordination with work, school, kids and schedules and appointments. I'm going to have to find someone or somewhere to reach out for help and actually ask for it when I start to sink. I tend to not want to bother people and feel like if they haven't contacted me, they don't want to be bothered with the chaos that comes with me...
I'm still soooo needing that get away... maybe someday.
Work is going well, after the roller coaster of April and May, in June I buckled down and have been kicking butt ever since. It's been exhausting work, but I've been the top work producer on my team for the last two months. I'm able to just plug in and work and not worry about what the kids are doing or who they are making mad or what they are or are not doing. I suppose that's less pressure and I can focus on what I'm suppose to be doing. That's made my boss pretty happy and helps reassure her that her help and flexibility with me pays off.
I haven't had time to go out, no friends to go out with really, everyone is busy, too far away or have their own lives. Besides there's the money issue.
So with the passing of Summer 2010, so passes my daughters school years, my 2 1/2 yr marriage, kindergarten, Elementary school for Shae, our house in West Jordan, our family with James and Harley, and it's brought in our independence, our own apartment, liberation, tans for all, taking the summer off of cooking since we can't have grill, visits on occasion from James and Gina and Matt and the baby... hanging out at Grandma's and watching Harley eat the tether ball. We've gone from one bed to 3, not bad... working on bunk beds and a kitchen table now... but one thing at a time. Still trying to replace some of the stuff that was stolen.
I know I'm rambling at this point, I should get to sleep since I have to be up in about 5 hours. Tomorrow is Shae's appointment to get his booster shots for school, and I get to take the twins because Shy has young womens. That should be fun, especially for the twins to get to see Shae get a shot or two. Poetic justice of some sorts.
I start back to school on Sept 7th, I'm still not convinced I"m doing the right thing but I"m kind of committed and don't want it to be for nothing plus the stipends will help make ends meet. So I have to do what I can do. God help me!