Dear Dads...

I know that's a generalized title, but not sure how else to put it.  Sometimes, just sometimes... I want the kids dad to know how amazing the kids are and that they're ok and will continue to be ok.  I want to brag to someone, I want someone to know how amazing these kids are... no matter how much I screwed up and how much their dad screwed up, or dad's , that' kind of a gray area as the twins know about their bio dad but still claim Steve.
I watch all of the kids...
Shyanne has been through so much and has just blossomed, and publically so.  She blows me away every day. She's out to save the world and yet can't wear matching socks... she's beautiful and quirky, smart and so talented.  I'm so proud of her and her amazing spirit and strength.  And while she wasn't raised in ideal circumstances, she was loved, by both of us... things just went wrong and I'm so glad I stood by her side and she stood by mine.  She was always challenging, stubborn, funny and compassionate.  She has a love for her brothers that I'm so proud of... She is something, that despite my faults, turned out amazing...
Shae was always a daddy's boy but just as much a momma's boy, and the toughest momma's boy I've ever known.  He has turned into such an amazing and handsome young man.  He too went through alot of tough times.  He lost his dad when he was 8 and wasn't old enough to understand why... but he came around, he trusted me, we formed a relationship that I didn't know was possible.  He's my best friend.  I still have to be the mean nasty mom that nags him to do chores, but he has been so good to me, despite his current dislike of his brothers, which I hope passes soon... he has been my rock.  He's growing into a young man I'm proud to call my son and without the example of a 'father' figure for so long.  I know he longs to have a father-son relationship, he longs to have a dad but he knows the facts, he understands people make mistakes, he knows he was also loved and wanted.  The first time I ever saw his father cry was when we found out that we were having a boy.  He was spoiled rotten from his father and his uncles and of course me, I'm a sucker for the cute boys... he's struggled with hitting his teens and the chaos I've put him through and brought into his life.  I sometimes want someone to just stand back with their arm around me and watch him do what he does with such grace.  I want someone to share his humor with, someone that would appreciate how hard it was to find that humor again... it's been a rough road but one well worth the trip.... he is my rock star!
The twins don't remember their bio-dad, it was 5 years ago in July, they were 2 1/2 when I left... they have been my.... geez there aren't even words.  I can't even describe what the last 5 years have been like raising them... Challenging comes to mind... but there are days, when I get twice the hugs, twice the kisses and twice the 'I love you's'... you can't put a price on that.  I've probably complained twice as much about them, for those that have had to listen to me I apologize and don't believe it will change any time soon. 
Hunter, he is my Achilles heel,  I don't know if it's because he had such a rough start at birth?, if its his big brown eyes and sweet baby face, or the guilt I have for the challenges he's had to go through.  He's so witty and charming.  He taught himself to read and he's wicked smart... he does battle a.d.h.d. and it's been so hard for him.  His dad doesn't know him, doesn't know how smart and cute this kid is and how incredibly unique he is.  He is his own little spirit... I should say big spirit... he has been my greatest challenge, he's got me in the most trouble with neighbors, apartments, friends, schools, cops, you name it I've had a run in with them due to something Hunter related...
We recently found a new medication, one that I pray I can continue to afford..., but it's been amazing... it didn't put him into the zombie coma that the other meds put him in, it's simply allowed him to be him, without the 'trouble'.  He's a beautiful child, so smart and loving and I am so proud of how much he's overcome.  I wish I had someone that was around him before, and who is around him now and could stand back with me in awe of this little boy... he's absolutely perfect and I love him so much.
and my sweet lil Gavyn, the 'little brother' as he calls himself... he reminds me so much of Shae as a little boy and yet he's so uniquely Gavyn.   He's so helpful, when he's not being sassy... he challenges me intellectually all the time... he needs the answers to everything and he's not satisfied with the 'because I said so' answer or 'because God made it that way'...  He's the first to make friends and to give out all our Popsicles to the groups of kids that follow him around.  He is my worrier, I have to be on my best behavior around him as to not stress him out.  He is our peacemaker and he certainly looks after his brothers and loves his sister beyond words. 
I remember when I found out I was having twins and I was so distressed, and after I had them I was so overwhelmed and my mom asked me, 'which one would you give back?'.... ugh... I can't imagine life without any of them and Gavyn certainly topped off the family with his sweet easy going disposition.  They have grown up so much in the last 5 years...
I know their dad thinks about them, how could he not?  I guess this is just my way of saying, they haven't killed me and they are amazing kids, and with everything you screwed up in your life, your kids are fine and I some how have done a good job...but it's been alot of blood, sweat and tears...
 I know that I'm far from the perfect mother and I continue to make mistakes but my kids are good enough to forgive me and love me anyway... they continue to grow into amazing people and I'm so proud of who they are and can't wait to see what they do in life.
If I accomplish nothing else in life, I'll have raised these kids, imperfectly, but with all the love I have... and hopefully stopped an ugly vicious cycle that had continued for generations... I'm not sure what kind of men my boys will be, but I do know they have a better shot at not carrying on that legacy now... if I stopped that I've affected the world for generations to come...
To my children's father:  My kids are amazing... we're ok... and will continue to be.  Sorry you chose to live a life that took you away from them. I personally am not sorry you're gone, but I'm sad my kids don't have a dad.  As for the twins, I hope Steve chooses to participate in their lives still.  They love him and always will... 'how do you like them apples?' will forever live in our home.  Steve, thank you for your love and contribution to the twins, I couldn't have gotten them from 2 to 5 without your help.  They definitely imprinted on you... good luck with everything you do and know that the twins are ok, better than ok... they are amazing, cute and funny.. you're missing out on alot of hugs and kisses...
I just wanted to share this with someone.... anyone... I want someone to be proud of them with me.  Kinda silly, just something I wanted to share.