Why is it that I am only inspired to write at night? Maybe its the only time it's quiet and I'm alone with only the thoughts in my head. Now that's not inspiring in and of itself, in fact it can be down right frightening. I really am not the most articulate person especially when I'm conversing with myself.
I keep doing two steps forward ten steps back dance... and I'm actually growing quite tired of it. I feel like I make tremendous progress only to wake up and have it all be nothing.. like it never existed or never mattered.
I've grown tired of being alone in my head... granted things are a bit clearer than they were a few months ago. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if I wouldn't have been better off if Steve had never called that ambulance. I know that's wrong to think, but things get so hard for me and the kids I can't help but think that they'd be better off without me, they'd have more opportunities and probably more attention than they get now, being my kids. Not favored by any grandparents, no one has time for any of them, not even me... I've done them such a disservice... this was not the life I had planned for them when I was dreaming about the future..
I'm so tired of the negativity that envelopes me, I'm tired of thinking pills will make everything better... I'm tired of thinking I can do this on my own and not being able too. I'm tired of feeling like an orphan in my own family. I miss my Grandma and Grandpa, I miss my Aunt... they were truly the most genuine and loving people I have even known in my life and no matter how much I would love to emmulate them... it's just not in my capabilities. I carry around too much pain, too much anger and resentment... and not toward anyone in particular, mostly toward myself. I made bad decisions, I screwed up, and now I'm alone, not worth the time or conversation... I can't even stand talking to myself anymore. I keep pretending I'm creating this wonderful future and that everything is great but then here I am... alone, poor, my kids are hungry, I have no one to tell me it's going to be ok... I only have people telling me what I"m not doing right, what I need to stop doing or need to do different... don't be a victim, don't be sad, don't hate yourself, don't be so negative, don't live your life in the past, stop being so gloomy, stop this an stop that.... I don't think one person has pointed out anything I do right, if there is such a thing...
The cosmic joke of life is that none of us make it out alive, so why the struggle for survival? yet that's all I do. I don't get to 'live' my life, I don't get to love the life I live... I get to freaking survive... this isn't how I wanted things to be, this wasn't how I wanted my life to turn out. Yet I can't get past my imperfections and failures, and that ultimately will leave me alone for a very very long time...if I can't accept myself who else will... but who can stand to be with me without judging me? they judge my past, they judge my looks, my kids, my life... if you can call it that...
I'm most definitely the black sheep of the families, both of them.... I'm not as educated and polished and successful as my dad's side of the family and I didn't do anything right by my mom's side of the family.... most of them don't even speak to me anymore. I feel ashamed to be me... I feel like I must be an embarassment to them or why would they just leave me out here to struggle on my own. My own sister wouldn't know if I was dead or alive...
I'm sorry I've let everyone down.... I wish my life was better, I wish I had made someone proud... I tried... I really have tried hard to be a good person and everything I have done I have done with good intentions. But you know what they say about that....
I better get to bed, I have 4 hours before I have to be up again... I'm already behind at work and at school and I haven't even started.... there has to be a better way... there has to be a success story in me somewhere don't you think? I hate thinking this is all for nothing... I hate being alone for nothing... I hate knowing I can't make things work and I can't have successful relationships with healthy human beings...
I"d better go to sleep... I can't stand listenting to myself right now, it's pathetic.
I hope you're feeling better. You are by far no failure. In fact you inspire people without even knowing it. You are wonderful and missed dearly. Life will be worth it, I promise you that. Never give up on yourself, if you can't make it how are the rest of us going to?
ReplyDeleteI've said it many times and will again,
"You are the best person I have ever known!"
Heather, I'm sad I'm just reading this. I need to be better at keeping tabs and communicating with the people who are most important to me. YOU are one of those people! You always have been. I hate that I can totally relate to this. I hate that either one of us--that ANYONE should ever feel this way. It shouldn't be that way. This is why we're blessed with people in our lives. While it's not as obvious as it should be, you and I are in each others' lives. And we ALWAYS will be. That's the beauty of family. And you and I have a bond that few have. I like to think we've got each others' backs. We just need to express it more. You have to know how much you mean to ME and to so many other people. We just SUCK at showing it. It's a weakness of being human. I want to work on that. I wish we lived closer so we could be a greater part of each other's lives. I don't know if this post is representative of how you're feeling NOW, or if it was just a bad day. For me, it's a roller coaster. It's reoccurring, but not necessarily constant. Anyway, I'm sad this expression is a week late, but it's there. I'm there. I'm late, too. But that shouldn't be too surprising. Love you, Heather.
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