Party of Three???

Really?  I went from 4 kids to 2 kids much faster than when I went from 2 to 4.  It's been strange, to say the least, just being here with the twins... A bit easier and a lot harder at the same time.... I miss my Shae bug... but have to say that this is going to be good for all of us.  In the long run.  Someday, I'll feel better... someday.  Right now I almost wish I hadn't had the surgery, I'm worn out everyday and haven't accomplished much at all.... I'm stiff and sore.  By the time I feel loosened up, it's time for bed and I start all over in the morning not being able to walk.  It's like Groundhogs Day... I keep waiting for the day that I wake up and it doesn't hurt to walk or roll over...
You'd think I'd be use to this single thing by now, but I'm still not... it is so strange for me to be somewhere with the boys and realize that I can be there or not be there as long as I want.  I don't have to 'report' to anyone what I'm doing or where we are, no one really cares.  Not in a bad way, it's just that I don't HAVE to be anywhere doing anything for anyone. We eat what we want... we cook if we want, we do our dishes how we want and the rules are mine to make or bend... I have to say it's nice being in a less stressful environment again... we keep finding ourselves in bad situations... just glad to recover from this one so easily.
I can't understand how I get myself into such binds and attract such dysfunctional people.  Makes me wonder if it's me that's dysfunctional.  I'm the common denominator in all of these relationships... when I look at it, I was married to a wife beating child-molester, then a narcissistic man-child, then living with my friend (of course it was only on a temporary basis, never more) who is a closet alcoholic... and me... the common denominator... I don't get it.
 I was talking to one of my close friends, who's wife is currently an alcoholic and has had a similarly dysfunctional life, and I asked him, if it was just too much to ask for someone to be decent to me and a good example for my boys.... apparently it is... men can work for a company their whole life, they can commit to 30 year mortgages and car payments but ask them to be an example to a child that is not their own, they crumple like paper.... it's sad.  Especially with Father's Day coming up.  I love my father, but detest fathers day.... I hate that men aren't what they use to be or what they should be.  There are a few... a very few... that are still real men, and say what they do and do what they say.  Men like my Grandpa was... I know they're out there, but most are married as they should be, and I envy their wives and families.  I understand that it's hard to form bonds with children that are not your own... well kind of, I didn't seem to have that problem and love James and Gina as if they were my own, still to this day... but I'm me... and not male... the more I study, the more science and society excuse this behavior of men walking away from their children, from children they have promised to help raise and made commitments too...  I understand that the women are the maternal caregivers and are committed to the offspring of their body and even others offspring.  It's natures way of ensuring the species.  But does that give 'dads' the right to walk away?  I don't understand how they do, and how they sleep at night... but they do, they do it everyday.  And society is ok with it... we excuse them...
I'm not ok with it and my boys know it... I'm not raising my boys to be like that, now whether they chose to do that later in life is out of my control, but they will now that their mother is not ok with that kind of behavior.  I may not be able to teach my boys how to be men from the male perspective but I can teach them how to be the kind of men that make their mom and sister and other women proud.  I don't feel like I'm filling the void these boys have in their lives, I can't, I'm not a dad, I'm not their dad, biological or through love and commitment... I'm only their mom and will always be just their mom. 
Unfortunately I've made poor decisions in men, hoping for the best, waiting for my 'happily ever after' that will never come... at least not how I had imagined as a little girl.... and here I sit... with Fathers day looming... wishing and feeling so responsible for their lack of a father... but better we are how we are now than in a dysfunctional home that stifles their happy spirits... I have good boys... I love them very much and I suppose on Fathers day I will celebrate the father's that they will one day be... and teach them how to do that the best a mom can.