Time for gratitude....

I've been so consumed, so overwhelmed, so manic at times. so up and down... that I tend to forget what I do have. I take things for granted. I take for granted that I do have a lot of people in my corner even when I push them away. I still have people that believe in me and tolerate my ups and downs and love me unconditionally. I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to have had 18 years with my beautiful daughter and I'm having a hard time letting go, it seems to permanent. But I'm grateful she is so strong and intelligent and even stubborn. I'm grateful for my boys, for keeping me busy, keeping me on my toes. Challenging me daily to be better, to know more, to think harder... to help me remember what is important. I'm grateful for my mother, for her never giving up on me, even after going through hell and hell again with me. For knowing I'll get up after I fall and not letting me get away with using excuses and crutches to fail because I have a thousand reasons to quit. But she believes in me and knows I won't quit. I can't quit. My boys and my daughter need me, even when they think they don't. Just like I need my mom, even when I think I don't. I've realized a few things lately. I am so busy beating myself up, punishing myself for everything I've done wrong or can't do myself that I'm driving people crazy. I'm driving them away and I'm hurting them. I don't mean too. I really don't. I just don't know how to do 'normal'. I hate the medications I'm on, they make me feel 'blah'... not happy, not sad just somewhere in the middle and people tell me that's normal. It's not my normal and I'm not really liking it a whole lot. But I know I have to do it or I'm going to be alone, alienated from my family and friends even more than I already a I so desperately want friends and family. I want family bbq's and I want to go to movies with my friends and I want to go shopping with my daughter and I want to go to ball games with my boys. I just don't know how to do that. I don't have the money to do everything and I make people crazy trying to figure out how. My boys don't even ask for things anymore because they know I can't afford anything. I hate that so much of everyone's happiness depends on money. It shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to worry about gas money to take the boys to the park or to go visit Hunter. I am grateful for the job I have, that it does provide what it does and that I can provide the basics. It's hard for me to accept help and when people contribute I feel bad. I feel like I should be able to do it all myself. I want to just be ok. I want my mind to shut up. I want to still my mind. I want it to stop spinning. I want to stop thinking about a million things at the same time. It's exhausting. It never stops. Ever. I just want to be normal, I want to be happy... I want a home, and a family. I want to be loved without driving people crazy. I want to know that people won't leave so maybe I push and push just to see if they'll stay, and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. I have to stop doing that. I have to stop building walls and expecting people to climb them to get to me. I don't know why I do that. There are so many things I do that I don't know why I do. I know I've been terribly conditioned for years. Do things a certain way, say certain things, behave certain ways... and when I don't I don't know what to do. When I have the freedom to thing and act for myself I feel completely lost and out of control. I don't know what to do or choose or what to say... I need to let go, I need to put my feet at the edge and my face in the wind... and know that every storm runs out of rain. I need to be grateful for the trials that made me strong and wise. I need to be proud of my scars instead of ashamed. They show I'm strong, I've survived, I've healed... I haven't forgotten but I have healed. I've earned these scars, I've survived my life. Now I want to live it. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know who I am anymore, without the guilt and chaos, I don't know what's left of me. When you take that all away, what's left? What if what's left is nothing? But what if its something? What if it's amazing? How do I get there?

Tough pill to swallow

I'm not always trying to vent, but it seems to be the only place I can just say it like I feel it is... not necessarily how it is, just how I feel things are. I'm struggling with many family issues right now, and while I do not proclaim to be perfect in any way, shape or form. I do try and pride myself on being honest. I'm a pretty straight shooter, unless of course that is going to cause harm of some kind. I'm not out to hurt people. Now with that being said, I love my family, I love my children more than life itself. I adore my daughter and am so proud of the woman she's become and continues to be. But I am so deeply hurt by her right now, no words can express the pain I feel for the way she is behaving right now. I can't even understand it. It's hurtful, selfish, and even mean. There is nothing more in this world that I would want than to have unlimited supplies and funds to take myself and her brothers to San Diego for a week and attend her small intimate beach wedding ceremony. But I don't and I can't. It's physically not feasible for me to make this trip. I can't afford to fly, I don't know that my car will make it and I know I can't afford a hotel there for all of us. His family can, my parents can... I can't. Yes, I feel like a huge loser... yes it breaks my heart into absolute pieces. It's all I can think about. I've let her down, in so many ways, and continue to do so. I couldn't even buy her dress, she went with my mother behind my back and got her dress and went out to lunch and had a nice day and didn't even tell me about it. That felt like a bit like pouring salt into the wound. My mom wouldn't even look for dresses with me for my wedding. I feel like history is repeating itself. Except the fact that my mom did show up at my wedding, I didn't even care who she showed up with, just that she came. My daughter doesn't feel that way. She doesn't want me there, with someone or not... she told me all men leave me anyway so why did it matter if I brought someone. Now she's filled all her slots so I couldn't come if I had a way too. I am so tired of the women in my family having secrets and giving silent treatments. It's bad enough my sister has to act like that, but now my daughter? There is no understanding, no compassion. I don't even know if Hunter will be out of the hospital. Do they not understand that right now my life sucks and I'm still here? I'm still going and trying and kicking forward, even if I'm crawling on broken glass I'm moving forward. At home, my boys have grown so lazy in helping around the house...I guess that's women's work? Granted Shae is doing good things, but I'm always to drop what I'm doing to drive him all over hell and back at the drop of a pin. Of course stay at home mom's can do that, but I'm not one of them. I wasn't allowed the privilege of being a stay at home mom. I've had to work my ass off to take care of these kids, and I know they don't understand it. I know they won't until they have to do it themselves. Hopefully they'll have learned from my mistakes and have better lives and make better decisions. Maybe I've prepared them for the world a little more than I was prepared. The world kicked my ass. I was not ready for it and it ate me alive. Maybe my kids will be tougher... I just hope not too tough. I just don't understand coming from an extremely small family, how one can turn their back on another. How one feels superior to another or feel the need to punish or exclude another. Right now I'm trying to swallow all of this, I'm trying so hard to hold this all together. I'm trying not to get angry and say things that could further damage relationships. But I'm not cut from the cloth that says we give people the silent treatment. How I raised my kids is, we get it out in the open, we deal with it and we move on. Not this bullshit I'm going through right now. If they want to hurt me they are, my daughter for weeks, my sister for years... I'm sorry I'm not perfect, I've never been the perfect sister, I've never been the perfect daughter, I've never been the perfect mother. I make mistakes, I make a lot of mistakes and will probably continue to do so. I'm human. I love though... unconditionally. I will fight for you, I will defend you, and I will protect you with my life. You will not find anyone more loyal than I am. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the crazy one, like everyone else is right and I'm wrong. Like I'm not understanding the world and how it works and they all do, so therefore I shall be shunned. Because that's exactly what I need. My daughter is getting married and I can't go, I live hand to mouth trying to raise 3 growing boys by myself, my baby boy is in the hospital for who knows how long for things I can't fix and yet feel responsible for, and I hurt.... no one asks me if I need a break, if they can make me dinner or help me with the dishes or go to the movies... if I want anything I have to beg for it. I feel like I love unconditionally, maybe I don't and I don't know it, but I feel like I do... but where's the unconditional love and honestly in return? Why the secrets and lies and shunning? I have not lived my life the best way possible, but I have survived it and brought my kids through hell with me, but we're here. Doesn't that count for something? When does someone ask me how I feel about all of this? How do I feel about not having enough money to go to my only daughters wedding and then knowing she's moving to the other end of the state? How do I feel about that? I think it sucks! I don't want her to go, I don't want her to go and not come back. I don't want her to go and have a new family and forget about us and have babies down there and I'll be the grandma they never get to see and that doesn't get to see them or babysit them or spoil them, they'll barely know who I am. How do I feel about not being there for the most special day of my daughters life? It blows! I've damn near given my life to make sure she had one, I've lived where I needed to live to make sure she went to the school she needed to go too, I went in front of hospital boards to fight for her to have surgeries they told me she couldn't have. There isn't anything I haven't or wouldn't do for her. I'm just at a loss at this point. I don't have anyone to help me and I don't have a job that affords me a lavish lifestyle either. My checks pay the bills, barely. I don't get child support, I don't get things that other single mothers get. I've done this myself. How do I feel about Hunter being in the hospital? It kill me every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep and I don't see his big brown eyes and fuzzy head. I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel like I should have been able to fix him or help him and I couldn't. I feel helpless, I feel weak. I feel like I let him down. I feel his problems are my fault. How do I feel about needing another back surgery? I hate the thought of it! it scares me to death I hate surgeries and I've had my fill, but the thought of living with this pain for the rest of my life seems unbearable. But having the surgery seems to be an inconvenience to everyone and everyone is worried about this and that and no one has been worried about me or that the pain is making me crazy and not feel like myself. There are a lot of other things I'd much rather do. I don't want to be laid up for another 6-12 weeks on a measly short-term disability check that will not pay the bills. Using a walker again so I can get to the bathroom or make the boys dinner. Everything is always about everyone else... I thought I was doing a good thing by being me... but I've just figured out being me, is the equivalent of a doormat.

Round and Round and Round we go.......

Where we stop nobody knows... At least that's what it feels like, a lot. Hunter is still in residential,Shyanne is still planning her wedding and I'm not coping with either. I can't seem to multitask as well as I should. Mother's day tends to remind me of my failures of a mother. It makes me feel bad for those who can't have children. I makes me feel bad for those who do and have children with mental or physical issues. Those issues begin to be the center of their (the parents) lives. I was blessed with four beautiful, intelligent children. Of course they all think they're all only children which proves to be a bit difficult for me... I feel so disappointed, so often, for everything my kids have had to go through, it seems to never go away and there are daily constantly reminds me of my mistakes, even though so many of them I had no control over I still carry the guilt and the pain. They don't understand the depth of that guilt. I feel like I've failed them as a parent. I have done the best I can do, everyday, but it's never enough. It'll never be enough and it will never make up for what I've not been able to do for them or give to them. Mothers day and Fathers day are so hard for me. While I feel so bad for our situation, I also don't think my kids understand what I've gone through to get them where they are. I don't think many know what I've had to do to get them where they are. They are amazing kids, I wish they could see themselves through my eyes. I'm so proud of them, and I am able to look at them and know that I have done something right. They are responsible, hard working, focused, at least the older kids, the twins still have some growing and maturing to do. That may be harder than I ever imagined... way harder than the older kids. Im so proud of my kids, they have worked so hard and over come so many obstacles. We've always said 'stepping stones, no stumbling blocks'. My Shyanne, she made me a mother, without her I wouldn't be a mother, no she wasn't planned, but she was certainly wanted and loved from even before she was born. And after she was born, I could see my heart outside of my body. I couldn't have loved her more. When she had to stay in the NICU it killed me that I had to leave the hospital without my baby. The Dr's then determined that she/we had cytomegalovirus while I was pregnant and that is the cause of her deafness. Its a common flu virus that many or almost all people get when they are children, but not me... no I waited to get the virus for the first time while I was pregnant....chances are because I worked at a day care. However, her being deaf opened a whole new community that I wouldn't have even known existed. I love the depth and passion they have for everyone, and my daughter is part of that and had fought for them, loved them, led them. They are a beautiful community that offers whatever a deaf person would need, whenever they need. So while Shyanne was growing up, my life revolved around her learning to sign, getting the right hearing aids and crazy color molds... eventually a cochlear implant. I never wanted her to say I didn't give her every chance she may need or want. Now she's all grown up, working. getting married and moving to Cedar City in July. So for her right now, her wedding is front and center and I need to be doing what a parent does.... and I can't... I financially can't, I emotionally can't, I can't leave Hunter behind if he's still in the hospital. I don't know that she will ever understand that until she's a mother. Its not me choosing one child over another, its just me being there for the one that needs me the most, not that she doesn't need me, it's just a different 'need'. Shae, likes to remind the boys that he was the 'wanted' child. He was, we had tried to get pregnant with him and we did want a boy and that's what we got, it was an easy pregnancy and delivery. He got to come home with me when I left the hospital. That's important point for him. He was sweet and easy, my hip attachment, He was very much a momma's boy. That was ok with me, we'd get Shyanne and get them both in soccer and we would take them fishing and camping... Snyanne was never much of a camper. But Shae loved it. Those are good memories. Then the surprise of the twins... they weren't 'unwanted' as Shae likes to tell them, but hey were very much a surprise. Once I got use to the idea of twins, I started reading the pregnancy books, the twin books. eating healthy...I tried to take care of myself, but they (we) were in a lot of stress even before they were born. It's been explained to me that when mom is stressed the babies know it and it wires them a little differently. They're all on high alert all the time. Hence, the adhd etc. They are so complicated, but so sweet (you have to be patient for that, it does surface on occasion). They have taught me so much, I'm learning more and more about them every day. They are so complex, there are so many layers to them. I just have to be patient. I have to stay calm and know that I'm not going to understand them all the time. But I do know that I love them with all my heart and there isn't anything I wouldn't or haven't do anything for them, even when it feels like it's going to kill me... I know this really isn't a complete and focused post, but right now it's all I've got.

Roller coaster vs Merry Go Round

I had a big long post as p what was going on over this way but now I'm a bit tired... so here is the blunt version. About a month ago we started looking in to getting Hunter into getting some help. In the mean time, he's been diagnosed with bi-polar (yes he's young to be diagnosed with this but it's quite evident) he still has adhd, conduct disorder, odd and reactive attachment disorder. Quite a lot for a little guy to deal with. So in the turmoil of figuring that out I was also diagnosed with Bipolar 1. Not a huge surprise... for those of you that have witnessed my life. So in the mix of figuring out meds for Hunter we had EKG's for him and while I was there he did one on Shyanne and I. So the twins and I have a rare genetic heart condition called Long QT syndrome, which severely limits the types of medications we can take. Hunter was inpatient for the last week and a half and is looking at starting residential (long term) starting Monday. As a mom,this breaks my heart... most of these ailments do pass through the maternal side, so there is a lot of parental guilt. Shyannes hearts was fine but Shae refuses to take the test, not wanting it on his medical records... I guess that's his choice at this point, he has been educated. So the next few months at our home may be calm but will be missing. I love my babies and have never been away from him for this long, and gav's separation anxiety will be huge...poor guy. It's nothing I'm announcing on facebook, obviously.... but that's where we are right now.

Just making a hopefully brief post.... This song has been the 'theme of the month' song.  I keep holding my breath waiting for the rain to stop.  I'm not trying to be cryptic or dramatic, just had a rough few weeks. Overloaded with information, answers, more questions, more answers... Everything is taking on a new light.  I am finding myself having to reevaluate everything from my past, redistributing responsibility and owning what is mine to own instead of pawning it off on others.
I do indeed have a 'full plate'... I do not argue that fact.  I just didn't realize how full it really was, or nor did I realize I was at the buffet when 'life' was being dished out. 
With every trial I have faced as an adult and as a parent, there has been a rainbow.  I've just been so wrapped up in my storms I fail to remember those brief but beautiful rainbows. I've been blessed and with those blessings come the trials that make me see life from a whole new perspective, literally on a daily basis.  My only question each morning is 'What perspective will I see life from today?'

I might be back... we'll see......

I've been sporadic at best lately, mostly due to lack of access.  Sometimes I have so much to say and no way to say it and now that I have better access, I'm afraid of what might come out.  There are so many things I have in my head and I'm not sure how to organize it to get it out of my head and make any sense at all.  So be prepared for a journey perhaps? It won't be for the faint of heart I assure you. It's not necessarily bad, its just, well, real... and honest..... its a lot of things I've dealt with, survived, endured, denied, tried to forget and things I've conquered... but in my head there are no years, everything is blurred, I only remember where I lived or if it was before or after I had a certain child... I think organizing it in my head is what is giving me anxiety so I need to accept that I'm going to just (excused the analogy) emotionally vomit my words and then I will have to sort and organize and try to make sense of it all.  Not so much to torture myself, nor to have people feel sorry for me, but more so to get rid of all of this baggage in my head, sort it out, own what is mine to own, and let go of the rest.  Let go of the guilt, acquired responsibilities, and be free of it all... from childhood to current.  Even just saying that I will do this, makes me feel lighter in spirit.  Its been a very dark and desperate part of my life that I do not want any longer.  As one of my dear friends would say, it's time to clean house... I think its time and I think I'm ready... so I hope you are too.
I may or may not do it on this same blog, for those of you that do read this and have a somewhat delicate constitution, I don't want to offend anyone.
I'm almost done with my 40th year and I'm ready, it's time...

My attitude of gratitude

Seems appropriate for me to share the things that I am thankful for, not just because it's November but because it's been too long since I have publicly expressed my gratitude.  There is something to be said for just throwing things out there and making them tangible. 
I get things swimming around inside my head and sometimes I leave them there instead of getting them out and making things known.  Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's not.  I have so many things that I am truly grateful for, most have been life lessons that turned out to be blessings in disguise.  It's just taken me awhile to appreciate them for what they were worth, what they taught me and where they brought me too in my life.

I am forever grateful for my daughter... she has been such a blessing in my life and I don't believe that she will ever, EVER, understand how much she has taught me about strength, love and dignity.  She has conducted herself in such a way that I feel I am the student and she is the teacher.  I may have given birth to her but she has given me life.  She has transformed her childhood into the stepping stones I had always tried to teach her about... and while I still stumble... She has made turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones real.  I am so proud of her.  And while she may not be perfect in others standards, she couldn't be more perfect to her mother.  I am so grateful she loves her brothers with the unconditional love that she has.  I am in awe of her... she has never let anything slow her down or stop her, and she's had many 'excuses' to fail... but she cannot or will not use them.  She makes me feel like I've done something right in my life.  That is all wasn't for nothing.  She helps me see that the last 20 years, while they were far from perfect, did serve a purpose. She is compassionate, empathetic and tender to a fault.  She's learned to be forgiving and she is far from judgemental.  While the world around us judges everyone for everything, she accepts people for who they are, not what they've done or haven't done.  That is true Christianity in my book... so many people want to judge and point fingers and step on others to make themselves look better and bigger and she is not one of those people.  She makes me proud.

I am grateful for my boys, all of them.. while I thought raising my daughter was challenging... they've made me rethink that and appreciate how easy she really was.  I have learned more coping skills and patience in the last 8-14 years than I have in my entire life. I'm proud of all of them, and while they are not easy.. they're mine and I love them.  They are all wicked smart and they keep me on my toes... Shae's world views are so far advanced for a 14 yr old it blows me away... he's on top of politics and current events throughout the world.  He's got a goal and his eyes set on the prize and there will be no stopping that one... just had to get him headed in the right direction.  He will be a mans man one day... I believe I have had some influence on that.  It took some doing but I don't think he will ever follow in his father's footsteps.  He does have a respect for women/girls and I can see that now.  I don't know that it was always there, and it took me standing on my own two feet and laying down the law for him to see that we are a force to be reckoned with and have earned respect.  I see so much potential in this kid... and determination.... he will do what he says he will do and I have no doubt in that. 

I'm grateful for my twins... I don't know that anyone plans on twins, and I know no one is prepared for twins... and no one can possibly be prepared to be the single mother of twins... but we've managed, we've cried behind closed doors and prayed for guidance... we've prayed for strength and received more trials and tests.  We've prayed for patience and we've again received more trials... but I think we've finally got a handle on this.  I'm grateful they were such stinking cute babies, I look at their pictures at my desk and on my walls at home and remind myself that they didn't ask to be born, they deserve a fair shake and for some reason, I was chosen to be their mother, and Shae was chosen to be their brother, and Shyanne was chosen to be their sister... there is a purpose for all of us. They have taught me to say what I mean and mean what I say... if I say 'just a minute' I'd better mean just a minute... if I say something like 'Gavyn ate the frozen burritos' I'd better be prepared to hear 'no he didn't, he cooked them'... I'm grateful they keep my life interesting.  I worry... I cry... I stress... I know people stay away because they are a handful... they don't get to go stay with their grandparents or friends houses ever... but that's ok.  I'm learning it's ok for them to be them.  We're finding a middle ground with the behavior... and while I would love a break, I'll get one in about 10 years. 

I'm grateful I got chosen to be a mother to these kiddos... someone thought I could handle it.  And for the last 20 years they have been my reason for getting up everyday, improving my life, fighting for every inch... they have been behind alot of tears when I felt I had failed them.  That's alot of responsibility on one persons shoulders.  I want to scream at their father for letting them down the way he did and taking the cowards way out.  He may be in prison, but I'm the one doing the hard time... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am so grateful for Gina and James and Alvaro, they have enriched my life so much... I still get to play grandma to those sweet beautiful babies and I get to still be someone who they can turn too when life gets tough or they just need a friend.  I'm ok with that... there is a reason for everything and I believe that.  I absolutely adore Alvaro... I love the light and energy and happiness he brings to our family. I love his monster bear hugs and his smile and am so grateful my little girl found him and he found her, it puts my heart at ease knowing he's there to take care of her and protect her... after all we've been through, he's exactly what the Dr ordered.  He love her, accepts her past and scars and wants to make a future in our family... I'm ok with that. 
I've been rather gushy lately... I have my honey to thank for that... He's been by my side through thick and thin for over a year now.  He keeps me grounded and makes me think... he's held mirrors up for me and helped me see who I am instead of trying to change me.  He's ok with me being me, he's not fond of my past but he's not expecting me to pretend it never happened.  He's got a past too... we all do, he is truly my kindred spirit.  He's accepted me when I couldn't accept myself and he's helped me understand my boys, and he's understood my boys when I couldn't.  I've needed that kind of calm, patient, loving support.  I don't know what the future holds but if it's more of that, I'd be ok with that...
I'm grateful for my boss, in her understanding and believing in me.  It's helped me excel at work in the last 6 months, where I've simply existed for the last 5 years.  Its funny what can happen when you think people believe in you.  I'm grateful she was able to get me closer to home and to my boys and understood that was a priority for me.  I'm grateful she's a mother too, so she gets that the kids come first and she doesn't judge me when my kids are troublemakers and I have to go save them.
I'm grateful for my mom and my dad... and while they may never see eye to eye again, they have both taught me alot about life.  My mom has always been my soft place to land when things got tough and I didn't think I was tough enough to make it.  My Dad kept pushing me, do more, be more, be better, you can do this... I swore if I heard  "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" one more time I was going to blow a gasket... I'm grateful that even when I fell, they were both always there to help me up, physically and in spirit... it's not been easy having a dad half way across the country but I guess that's what works best for us.  It allows him to remain objective and me to feel more like a grown up and less like a child.
Sometimes, I think... well I think a lot... but I don't think I take enough time to acknowledge those who have helped me along the way.  My friends that I can spill my guts too, the ones that know everything and still love me... I'm grateful that I have quality friends, the kind that no matter how much time has passed, I can call and pick up like it was yesterday.  I've been fortunate to have those kind of friends.  I may not be super popular but I wouldn't trade my friends in for anything... not one of them... they are all valuable to me. 
I've been fortunate to have alot of people in my life who have been there for a reason, a season or a lifetime... I've needed them all... and I've needed them to stay and I've needed them to go when they did.  They all have contributed to my life in a meaningful way.
By the ways of the world, I don't have much... I don't have alot to show for my 40 years... but I have more than most.  I have my family, my kids, my love, my friends, my integrity, my values, my ethics, a way to make a living, things to look forward too, things to look back on and say 'I've come along way' and be proud... I have a very full life.  I have a lot to be grateful for, not just now, but everyday...